Never thought I'd be here......part 2

[25yearsmlc]

WHG - I think we are on basically the same page. In moments of peaceful honest, my W would tell me she is intimidated to argue with me because she thinks I am good at it. I find that ironic considering how much I absolutely hate arguing. I think the lesson here for we taller gents with loud voices and passionate opinions is to closely monitor the physical positioning of our bodies and the volume and dynamics of our voices.


Just to add to this...I'm a L and have to watch my tone a lot. After all, when a woman raises her voice, and isn't sad/crying, it reads as being "shrew" like. So I have to make an extra effort to be heard in a courtroom without being "loud". I have gotten theater training for this and it really helped.

But you guys (all those who are loud) need to know something.

My dad was a brilliant public speaker w/ a projecting voice. He also had a temper (and drank too much at night).

Anyhow, when he raised his voice, I can honestly say that the content of his words no longer mattered. I did not hear WHAT he said. I simply tuned it out, seethed with resentment and fled as soon as I could...

when I got older I argued back but not "point by point". I just expressed fury and anger. And I moved out of the house and did not reconcile with my father until he changed, stopped drinking, and then we got close. Then he died.

For those who yell, or who call it "raising my voice"--- understand that you will NOT be heard. Your actual words matter very little.

You will be resented, ignored, mocked, hated, and or, Left...sorry but it's an important point.



I remember reading somewhere on this board or in DR to talk softly to your S. For me, that means I damn near have to whisper - but I see the importance. Non-verbal communication is also something I guess you can control if you are aware of it.

Men are bigger than women, and statistically a lot more likely to be violent.

Don't get defensive about this....just consider...

For instance, Even though my h has never hit me, or expressed the desire to, there are times when his tone is very intimidating.

It's Not a "conscious" thing or a belief that he'd hit me. But the fact that he IS bigger and stronger...all I am saying is, it matters....

Might not be fair, but it's reality. Same as if a gang of young men were disputing something with you. Even if they are acting "calm, but passionate", just raising their voice and standing a bit taller, are you saying you would not be at all intimidated? I think you might be....

Just food for thought.


I have done my best to not even approach the EDGE of an argument with my W these days. Given that Ls are involved right now I find it hard.



that is the most important time to be calm and unthreatening. Let your L do your arguing for you. That's what we are there for. And it keeps it separate from you...

Crimson