I love picking up my son after work and had to ask my wife to do it for me tomorrow because of a work obligation. HATED to ask simply because I enjoy picking him up and selfishly I wanted to keep that for myself. I swallowed VERY hard and texted her "Cool - I am sure he will be so stoked to see you there!". COMPLETE opposite of how I was feeling about it.
I get discouraged because I feel like I am working on these 180s and changes - which I KNOW are good for me in general, but I feel like they just bounce right off of my W without really making an impact. I feel as if I have really changed my attitude towards her over the last month and a half and it has landed me nowhere yet. It's like I am still getting the same generally frosty responses if any response at all.
I think I am just having a weak moment wherein I don't feel like anything I have done has had any influence in my W viewing me any differently. And I KNOW I should be making the changes for me but I would be a liar if I said I didn't want my family back.
I know it's a long road - but I would love to see just one positive that would indicate a softening of her position. I sit here this week just wondering what crappy communication I will receive from her attorney that will ruin my day. Seems like there are so many negatives and so few postives to identify. This process is really rough. I feel like it isn't working for me at all - again, I am moving forward on blind faith alone.
I want to ask her how her trip was this weekend, I want to ask how her new job is going - but I am detaching and can't/won't. I guess when it comes right down to it, I just miss her terribly and forcing myself to put distance between us in the name of potentially saving our M is tough on me. I know it's the right thing to do, but I can't help but feel as if she is just drifting farther and farther away from me. She seemed downright giddy when she dropped our S off on her way to LA this Saturday. All smiles.
BAH - just having a bad day I guess. Need to get out of my own head....AND hers.
