What do I do next? Part 3

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Danger Will Robinson (hope you're old enough to remember "Lost in Space")

The problem you get with that type of research is the following:

1) They're talking about broad averages -- on average men are taller than women, but there are many instances when women are taller than men. If you take these "averages" and use them to set expectations for your situation you risk creating self-fulfilling prophesies. Nothing is over until you say it is.

2) "Most" people in this situation don't know about DB and don't find their way here. Therefore, they will react in all the ways that don't work and make the situation worse.

That said, I have also read that *on average* women tend to fear being alone more than men, and will therefore wait a long time before pulling the trigger to leave and will pretend everything is OK in the meantime. That robs us of the chance to respond before it's too late. Often then feel that letting us know they're unhappy may lead to us leaving proactively, and they don't want that. Therefore, when they do leave and it seems spur of the moment, it's really not, they probably have months of planning behind them that we were oblivious to. That's why it's not so quickly reversed, they have debated it for months and we are playing catchup.

The same research suggests that men are more opportunistic with regard to pursuing affair partners and will act more "in the moment" without thinking things through, so they may be more likely to "cake eat" or may be easier to return to the relationship.

All this stuff is just broad generalization though, and some of it may go back to the 50's when things were much different in our society.

I know you're desperate to have your expectations set in terms of how long this will last and what your odds are to reconcile. I read another study that said that people are the most unhappy at work when they don't know what's coming next. That's the situation you find yourself in, there is no timeline, no set of next steps that you can rely on, and for men who like to have a plan that will play into a cause and effect relationship, it's terribly frustrating. You want someone to tell you to just do x, y, and z, and the result will be 1, 2, and 3. Unfortunately that roadmap doesn't exist.

As I've said before, DB is the worst thing you can do in this situation except for all the alternatives. The only thing to take comfort in is knowing that you're doing the best thing you can do, that you'll come out of this a better and stronger person, and that you're being the best parent you can be.

I would be very careful with the averages.

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