as Yoda would say....the force is strong in you...

[ericmsant2]

BTW, a friend of mine just pointed out something that was not really expanded on in my update.

The struggles that I have had with Miss N.

What I have learned is that "reconnecting" is really hard after you go through this MLC process. I have had a lot of fears to deal with. A lot center around her age. She is 29 and I 42. So BOTH her and I have struggled at times. Her friends are younger, mine older. Both side have questioned us and challenged us. Typical stuff....what if she has her own crisis later on, what if she wants more kids, do you realize when she is 40 you will be 52, will you be able to keep up with her, etc.

Miss N and I have talked about this stuff in detail. At one point she really flipped out. We were in the car and she started saying "I'm not sure of what I want", "You seem to have your chit together and I need to get mine together", "this is all so new to me", "I want to make sure this is right for me", etc.

It's funny the old me would have applied pressure, would have tried to convince her that she was making a mistake. Would have tried to talk my way out of it. Well that is the old me. What I did instead was...go dark immediately. I told her that I understand how she felt. She said she was going to call me later that evening. She never did. So the very next day, at 7am she text me..."I would like to talk to you. I am sorry I did not call last night". I never responded. She emailed me at work. I never responded. She sent another text "I need to talk to you". I never responded. She sent an instant message to my job "can I please see you today". I never responded.

I eventually responded with a text that said, I am free to talk to you from 4 - 4:30 pm. Meet me in front of the garage. When I arrived she was already in the garage. We got in my car and I said...okay you wanted to talk...I am hear to listen.

So she started....."Eric, I realized last night, that it is more painful to not have you in my life then to face my fears". "I wanted to tell you that although I am scared - I'm all in". "I am committed to you, to us". "i have never dated anyone with kids, or who has been divorced so this is all new to me. and I flipped out. I am sorry". "I love you and I want to be with you".

I did not respond for a while, she started to cry. "I'm scared Eric, this seems to good to be true. You seem to good to be true. Sometimes I wonder if you are real.". "So are you willing to give this a shot. Do you want this to work" "Why arent you saying anything".

My response was..."Miss N, I know what I want in my life and what I will allow in it. I am willing to give this a shot. I too am scared. I am willing to face the fears. I understand what you may be feeling. That said, I have said to you that communication is key. It is the most important thing to me. Communication...brutal honesty is what I ask for. Even if that hurts". "So we can give this a shot, if you feel this way again, tell me. I do not want to deal with this again".

She apologized several times. Said she knew that when I did not return her text or emails that I had already detached. She said if I did not respond to her that day that she was going to drive to my house. That she wanted ME. She applogized again".

Since this, things have been great. We both talk about this being the first bump in the road for us. I met her parents and the response I got today was....."my parents RAVED about you".

Although I Miss N and I dealt with this, fear is something that I have to learn to deal with. It is a daily process. I must continue to remind myself of Cat's message...enjoy what I do have with Miss N while also NEVER loosing Eric.

Fear....damn I hate it but face it we must all.

In closing, what I learned from this experience is just how much we must VALUE ourselves. I value myself enough to let her go. I know what kind of man I am...so I am willing to let go of anyone that does not put into the R as much as I do. I am still a work in progress.

Peace
Eric