I've been lurking for the past three weeks. Excellent material and dialogue here so I decided to share.
Three weeks ago my wife of 10 years informed me that she needed a change and she was finished with the marriage. Of course I got the classic "I still hope we can be friends." Needless to say I cried like a baby and begged for the first two days. I found this site and purchased the book and have implemnted my 180. I stopped begging ar asking about our M. I have been keeping very busy at work and working out.
We still share the same home - living in different rooms and sharing the common areas. No fighting or whining, we are both cordial and polite with one another.This week I put down a deposit on my aprtment, but I do not move in until the first of the year.
My question - do I stay in the house so that she can see my 180, or do I increase the space by leaving? Oh yeah - no kids.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Awesome 180, mnky! That's one of the most important things to do, because the clingy and needy of the LBS is the complete opposite of attractive.
You will find there is a lot of "script" the WAS will say, over time. "hope we can be friends" is certainly one of them, as is "I love you, but..." or "we married for the wrong reasons", etc...
It could be, for lack of any better words, our WASs use this language because they are trying to explain their feelings when even they may not know what their feelings are. And they are trying to keep the drama down and "play nice".
You indicate you are moving to an apartment. Why?
Moving out can be a bad move, legally. Get advice on that.
Also, understand that no matter what you do, your W will do what she wants. Space will not prevent her from doing things she will want to do. She will lash out if she's feeling pressure and that pressure may be feelings of uncomfortable if she thinks you are judging what she is doing or who she is hanging out with.
Again, more information would be great. Things like:
+ what are any complaints your W might have about you + are there any compliments about you + what other GAL or 180 could you do
Do not panic. These things generally take time. You have time to become a fantastic upgrade of yourself.
Set goals for yourself, stay focused on one or two changes at a time, be consistent with them for enough time so that if they are good changes, they stick and your W trusts them. Your W getting mad about a change does not make it a bad change, it could simply mean she's noticed and now she's mad because you made a positive change.
Keep us up to date. Given enough posts, you will be taken off moderation and your posts will show up immediately.
How long have you been doing the 180? Do you think she's noticed? Why are you getting the apartment when she's the one who asked for the "change"? Why did you put down the apartment deposit if you're still debating on staying in the house?
Need more info!!! Why, after 10 years is she randomly done and needing a change? Did she give you any other explanation? If she complained about you never being around... being busy and leaving are not the best ways to DB.
What do YOU want?
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Background: This happened once three years ago. She became very distant and detached. Concerned, I asked what the problem was. She told me she was unhappy and could no longer live with me because I was general unhappy about “everything”. I talked her into a couple of joint sessions with a MC. There she again related her dissatisfaction with my depression and anger. Following the second session she declined a third and told me it was over. Fortunately, she was able to get a detail down to the U.S. Virgin Islands (we both work for the National Park Service) which helped. She had space and time to reflect. We spoke very little while she was gone. After three weeks she returned. I picked her up at the airport and she gave me hug and a kiss and told me she missed me more than she thought she would. We reconciled but never really faced our issues. Three years later I noticed the same signs. Again, anger and depression drove here away for the second time. My 180 thus far: Lose weight get into better shape – I know my weight gain bothers her and makes me feel worse about myself. I began IC, this has been a big help. Finally visited a Psychiatrist and changed my meds. Don’t get the wrong idea, I was never angry to the point of breaking things or anything physical. We fought infrequently maybe three times a year. However, during our fights I almost always would end it with a very “poisonous tongue”. The IC, books, and meds have helped this, but it has only been a month. We shall see if the changes are permanent. Now I feel like they are because this has been a wakeup call. She offered to leave first. I asked her to stay in the house with our two dogs. I offered to get another place. Right now I am just a reminder of the bad times when she sees me. I figure if I move and go dark it may help things. She also told me here folks are coming for Christmas and I need to find somewhere to be the week they are here. Here is a little more about our dynamic prior to the separation. We work together. That means we share our 30 minute commute, work in the same building, go to lunch together, ride home together, live together, and share the same bed. We were always together. She has very few friends and no friends here in MS. She also has an untreated neurosis. I do not know if it is depression or not. She just started IC. She is very stoic and normally keeps thing to herself. Needless to say I feel very confused, betrayed, and scared as hell.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Experienced a little back sliding with a silver lining. Last night I engaged in a conversation with my wife during a lapse in my 180. I realize now how hurt she is. For the past several years she felt as though she was walking on eggshells and she never knew how I would take things if she attempted to bring them up. She actually got to the stage that she was afraid to talk to me about anything. This hit me like a ton of bricks – I had no idea! I feel very ashamed and profoundly sorry for the pain I caused her. I explained that this situation has been a catalyst for change. I explained that I am for the first time in my life swallowing my pride and getting professional help. I explained that I do not want to go back to the unhealthy relationship of my depression and anger and what she views as her enabling behavior. I am going to move into my apartment in a couple of weeks. I put down the deposit because I did not want to lose the place. Not my first choice, but she does not need to see the person that treated her so badly. She said she is already noticed a difference and that she is very happy for me. She is, however, steadfast in her conviction that we are not good for one another and it is over. I very softly told her how sorry I was for all that happened. I am totally lost. Is there a chance? I try to be positive and GAL – 180, but it is a tremendous challenge because right now my only goal is to get another chance (I know this is wrong). Do I move out and give up – just concentrate on me instead? Very embarrassed and ashamed right now….
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Hang in there! You have lots of friends here who know what you're going through.
The quickest way to ease the helpless feeling is to DO something just for you. What do you like? Watch a movie, or take a walk.
Also, you have some feedback from W on what went wrong - use the opportunity to improve yourself and you take back some control over your situation. The worst thing would be for her to say you did nothing wrong.
No need to be ashamed of the past - work toward a better future.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You definitely have hope. Sometimes it takes longer than you hope it will take, but you have a REAL breakthrough in the fact she can tell you about her fear of talking to you.
GAL, and moving out and concentrating on YOU is important in some situations. It may or may not be helpful for your situation.
Anger and depression can take a real toll on your partner and your marriage, as you know they have taken a toll on you.
I think your best bet is to focus on getting healthy while maintaining real communication between the two of you. One of the really really oldtimers here, and no longer on the board, but quoted in DB, and I'm paraphrasing: is that REAL happiness is living in accordance with your beliefs.
What is at the core of YOU? What do you really believe in, what are your values? Are you living in accordance with them.
If not, do it. If you are, recognize it. Recognize that you are good. I imagine you have some yes's and some no's to the items in your life. It is so worth doing.
You may or may not be able to share this with your wife, depending on your closeness. Share it with your therapist, and if you can't, use a DB Coach. They have the right expertise here.
Hang in there! You have lots of friends here who know what you're going through.
The quickest way to ease the helpless feeling is to DO something just for you. What do you like? Watch a movie, or take a walk.
Also, you have some feedback from W on what went wrong - use the opportunity to improve yourself and you take back some control over your situation. The worst thing would be for her to say you did nothing wrong.
No need to be ashamed of the past - work toward a better future.
Also, it is great you are recognizing your part in the breakdown of the M. Do understand that while it is good to own your part and make the necessary changes you believe will help you be a better person, do your best to not beat yourself up over it.
Both you and your W played a part. You do not have to shoulder all the responsibility. And... you can only control you, so that's why DB indicates working on yourself as the focus...
