GAL tonight with my son - went to see fake snow blow all over the place at an outdoor mall. Simple thing, but he loved it.
CO - It's great that we both at least have learned how to be better fathers and "dads" in this whole ordeal. Who knows? Maybe that was a reason for all of this happening.
Seems like we are in the same place - I am still emotionally attached to my W as well - just learning to maintain space and distance. Which, I must say, it pretty stinkin' hard to do. I for sure control my emotions around her - I didn't at first and I regret that. I was a mess and it really served no purpose at all.
My granddaughters are 4 and 2. I love the time with them. I am glad to hear about you guys getting closer bonds with your children. Keep up the good work!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
So W is in LA today visiting her friend as noted in previous post. Since it generally nets good results, I sent her a few pictures of S playing in the fake snow from last night with other kids. I know she likes to get pictures of him and I don't send them too often, so I figured it wouldn't hurt. Well, I hope not anyway. She responded and asked what he was saying about the snow and said it looked like a lot of fun. Somehow, after the exchange I felt funny. Probably because I was wondering too much about what she was up to in LA at the time for no good reason.
Earlier today she texted me asking about his cold and stomach problems. When I answered she didn't respond. I shouldn't care, but that irks me a bit not even to get a "thanks". Still, perhaps I should just be glad that she asked.
Regarding her trip, I have not said a word to her about it at all. I've treated it as if she never even told me about it as far as she is concerned. That's been tough. The old me probably would have asked a million questions right now trying to figure out what was going on. Detach, Crimson, detach.
Gonna go help a friend decorate tonight. Have to keep that activity calendar full!
her not thanking you for your response to HER questions is a big fat expectation of yours being dashed, and it's not necessary. Not even really appropriate b/c like you said, she asked...that's what matters.
Take your own advice. Detach...and have no expectations...seriously, don't. It really does help.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25. As per norm, you are quite right. I think I am just hungry for signs of progress so I get impatient.
Been thinking a lot a out some of the conclusions I arrived at through introspection. Really trying to make changes with W and others. Some of the things I heard feedback-wise from good friends (including someone that used to hate me) echos things i've heard from W in the past. The woman that hated me said she thought I was condescending. Got that from W on more than one occasion. I've had a lot of lights shine in on me and my faults lately. I'm actually grateful.
Thanks 25. As per norm, you are quite right. I think I am just hungry for signs of progress so I get impatient.
Been thinking a lot a out some of the conclusions I arrived at through introspection. Really trying to make changes with W and others. Some of the things I heard feedback-wise from good friends (including someone that used to hate me) echos things i've heard from W in the past. The woman that hated me said she thought I was condescending. Got that from W on more than one occasion. I've had a lot of lights shine in on me and my faults lately. I'm actually grateful. I contend that
the BEST news you can get from a mc, or WAS or friends, is that YOU have some things to work on....Flaws...character defects...
The BEST news you can get is that you are "wrong" in the situation...WHY?? B/C then You are Not Powerless.... so
if you arrive at a mc's office and both tell your story-
And the mc turns to you and says,
"Crimson, you are doing everything right...you are perfect. Even so,
Your w wants out."
Then you are truly powerless.
Crimson, when you really "get this"^^^, you will be empowered to change and your life will indeed improve.
YOU will improve. That is a gift.
make sense?
CM
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'd like to submit you do not have to see yourself or your character traits as "flaws", just because someone has a negative experience of you.
Also, only you know if it is your intention to be condescending. If so, then consider THAT could be a flaw. Otherwise, it could simply be your delivery or sometimes (in my case), your resistance to being silent.
A teacher appears when the student is ready. I've personally learned that I can't teach if someone isn't ready to be a student. I'm practicing silence... lol
So let's not call them "flaws", rather things that I could stand to improve upon. And, to your point - I never had any intention whatsoever of coming across as condescending - or anything else for that matter. I am just now realizing that that is how it is read - by my wife and apparently others. I've also gotten "arrogant" but at least that wasn't from my W.
Not to make excuses, but I think a lot of it has to do with my physical stature. I am about 6'5" and have a rather loud voice - though I do not try to be loud. My W would often say in arguments "do you know how you are coming off right now?!" - and I would basically say no or apologize. It is very difficult for me to be aware of my stature - since I know in my heart that I am not trying to project any negative feelings. Again, I guess it is something that I am going to have to work on.
25 - I am very glad to be getting this feedback. I would say it's too late, but in all honesty maybe I have been getting it all along and never had my head in a humbled enough place to say it is a problem. I am surely working to improve - for me - but also to set a better example for my son and hope that someday it will help bring my family back.
Crimson - know that what you are describing about yourself is not uncommon. Please don't beat yourself up, but do recognize that you can improve in self awareness and how you relate to others.
No where else but in a M and as a parent do you entertwine your emotions, feelings, loves, fears, habits, actions & reactions. It's too easy to say your areas that need improvement were areas where you were flawed in some way. It's not that simple. You, like everyone else are working your way through your life, believing you are doing what is right for you and yours. It's often hard to know the exact starting point of a tough issue between H & W. You may have been responding in a way you felt justified because of the sum of who you are learned over your entire life, and also responding to your wife and something she has been dealing with her entire life. All in all its so hard to find the specific root of an issue, and then to try to assign fault to one or the other is often a waste of time and not what is needed.
I think you just need to see where your typical responses caused stress in your M, and think about how you could have handled it better. That's not assigning blame or fault. It's just learning through M how to find solutions. I keep hearing someone in this blog say that its better to be happy, than right. That sounded like a cliche to me at first, but upon reflection I came around to this wisdom, and that's not an easy concept for guys to accept.
You sound like me a lot. You want to repair things, you want to have control of things so you can make them work in a way you think makes sense, you think you know what to do because you want things to work for your M and family. So, it's not your intention that's off, it's learning to understand how to interact with others by listening and trying to understand their path, their needs.
Please take this from me because I am living your life right now too. My W is in a massive life crisis right now and is in full psychiatric treatment. The point here is that I used to do the same thing. I thought I had all the common senses answers to overcome adversity, to provide for W and family because I overcame so much myself. I felt like I knew always what to do, and if my W went down some other road and couldn't get it I felt like she was copping out, taking the easy road because hey, I would do the work if she didn't. I saw her inability to overcome these issues as selfishness, narcisistic, weak and taking advantage of my love for her.
Guess what? I was doing everything I thought was right for her and us. I loved her like no other and yet because of the areas I needed to be better, I couldn't do what she needed. And guess what? Until I was ready to learn to listen, not judge, look for solutions that would make her happy even if it may not be what I think is right, did I ever stand a chance of evolving. And by the way, it was of all of you on this blog that woke me up.
It all gets so complicated in a M though - desires, fears, life-long issues, habits, tendencies, etc. Hopefully your wife will slow down, maybe stop running from you, because you have changed how you are relating to her.
If you are fortunate she will see this. I don't know if you have ever gotten this chance with your W but I told my W what I have learned from our crisis as far as it relates to my personal evolution. I know many on this blog would say that words won't mean anything to the WAS, only action. That is true in a sense that only action matters but I do think if you have never told her what you have learned I don't think it would hurt so long as you have no expectations of what she will do with this info, that you are giving this to her with no strings attached and then you move on with your own life having gratefully learned something so valuable. This is not to say you won't have the massive ups and downs that us DB soldiers have.
So as not to hijack your thread I am posting recent events on my thread "DB'ins is sooooo hard" that may help you see that you never know when something will change on a dime, much like it was for you when you both brought your son to the ER for his tummy issue. Don't give up because you don't know what might be just around the corner!
Hey and BTW, your comment about your size and volume is an important insight. I'm tall like you too and have a large voice. My W always rrespponded to me like a father figure. Couple that with her being 5'2" 110 lbs and I'm literally twice her size. If a woman is feeling judged, lacking self-confidence and lonely, it's easy for them to perceive you as some bad-a$$ tyrant, and you might not even know that's how you come across.
Stay strong and keep self evaluating but pls stop judging yourself so harshly.
Yes Crimson, as rick mentions, great notice about how your size may be influencing how you come across.
Personally, I've always had a voracious appetite for knowledge. So when I am personally confident about a topic, I forget that others may not really want my input... if I say something that is contrary to what they believe (or perhaps I'm actually incorrect, but THINK I am share factual information), people sometimes think I'm trying to "make them wrong"... ie. I'm coming across as condescending...
And that is RARELY my intention...
So yes, my desire to share knowledge... or your size... is not a flaw... but when we are aware of these things, we can look at ways of changing...
This change needs to be done for us... not to get our spouses back, or so that more people "like" us... I'd guess not everyone likes the dahli llama, either...
Try some things out that you feel might provide positive, personal growth for yourself. If they feel "right", then keep them up. If they don't... then stop doing them...
