Yes, I am. I think it's helpful. But sometimes it's like church in the sense that, you feel better while you're there, and then when you leave and go back out into the world, then you start hurting again. I do believe in it though, and I'm putting forth much effort to 'let go' of the hold that a painful past has on me.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I feel very sorry for your pain. I understand it very well as I was hurt deeply by my ex who lied, and ran around and left me for another woman. He was also emotionally and verbally abusive. And it took me a long, long time to let go. Probably longer than most.
But my point is - that is not the conversation for you and her mother. It is pointless and it is hurtful to her.
To help yourself you need to focus on 2 things.
Counselor - to help you with your feelings of anger, hurt and abandonment.
Lawyer - to help you establish an fair custody/visitation plan with your children.
Now leave the conversation with your ex MIL. She cannot control what her adult daughter does. And blood is thicker than water.
Barb, my wife left nearly 3 years ago. There was a very nasty 8 month separation before she filed for divorce, then an even nastier divorce that lasted 13 months. We have been divorced for just over 1 year now. All of the legal stuff is over and done with. Initially she sought joint custody of the kids, then 3 months later she re-filed and sought sole custody. Horrible divorce. I got custody of my son and she got custody of my daughter. I hadn't talked to exMIL in over 2.5 years, then a couple of months ago, I asked for her forgiveness for my wrongdoings and she forgave me. So did exFIL. I was struggling to save my marriage and family, while she was screwing my sons basketball coach! One of many infidelities during our marriage. And her lies and deceit placed ALL of the blame on me. She convinced my kids, and even me, that ALL of the blame was mine. And I took ALL of the blame for a very long time. Her wrongdoings did not diminish mine. I shouldered mine and did something about it. It took me 3 years before I could truly forgive myself. So yes, forgiving her would be a very difficult thing. She "hates" me to this day...and has not shouldered one ounce of fault. As long as it's 'all me' that did wrong, it was none of her. And she refuses to forgive me at all. And I continued to 'hold on' until this past Halloween when I realized that I needed to be more focused, and put forth much more effort, at 'letting go'. So honestly, I've only been actively working at it for about 6 or 7 weeks. I know I need to 'let go' and that's what I'm working on. But there were so many issues and hurts and feelings that were left unresolved...I suppose I'm trying to get some closure that I can live with. I appreciate your input.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Gineen, these exchanges yesterday with exMIL were a surprise. Certainly not something that occurs regularly. Other than asking for her forgiveness early last month, I haven't communicated with her in about 2 and a half years. I believe that I'm attempting to accomplish some closure...she did contact me first BTW. She sent me some Bible verses out of the clear blue. I don't need to hear "I'm right" from her. I was wrong many times in my marriage. I owned that. I am the only one who has been truthful and honest with everyone (kids, my parents, and her parents) regarding my wrongdoings...and I've done that from day 1. She hasn't been honest and truthful with anyone regarding her actions to this day! The truth hurts, even though blood is thicker than water...I'm glad that they now know the whole truth instead of just part of it. I don't much care if exW gets angry about the whole truth finally being told. If it provides me with some closure, and helps me with some unresolved issues and feelings, then it's OK. More than anything else at this point, I want to be more highly focused and moving forward in a positive way. I so want to let go of a painful past, and the betrayal and disappointment. I appreciate your input too.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
My "closure" only came when I let it go, and didn't let these things get to me anymore. I take comfort in knowing the truth.
I think that is THE key.
It was important to me for them to know the truth, because it sure wasn't told to them by exW. What they do with it is beyond my control.
Now...I do believe that my closure will only come, like yours, when I 'let it go' completely.
That is what I'm struggling to do now...'let it go'. God has forgiven me, and I've forgiven me. I think it takes more than just the passage of time from what I've experienced so far...it seems that it takes positive actions and much effort 'during' this passage of time! I'm suire looking forward to getting there. I appreciate your input and experience.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I know we don't have any control over what others think, but for her to convince hetself that there were NO good times at all is just dishonest. She chose me to be the father of her children. There must have been some good for her to choose me for this most important role. She's even told me before, many times, "thank you" for some of the good times we had. I know I have to let go...I want to...it's painful and hard.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Dishonest and hurtful to you, I'm sure. Let that be her burden to bare. You know the truth... that is what really matters.
Just keep plugging along. Time - it's what will make the pain go away. It's a lengthy and difficult process, but remember progress is progress. Look at yourself today and measure the pain from last week or last month or last year... do you see a difference?
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Antlers: You keep justifying bad behaviour. Your own behaviour towards ex MIL. Not OK>
What your ex did is one thing but how you handle yourself NOW is different. And that is what Gineen and I are saying to you.
YOU might feel better if you tell your ex inlaws "the truth". But what purpose can it possibly serve except to further distance you from it all.
Do you really think you are the only one here who had a horrible divorce? Obviously you don't know much about mine although I have tried to tell you. And FLTC. And many many of the others here.
We're trying to help you. So try listening and stop "explaining" it to us. We know. And trust us - we're advising you correctly.
