living in limbo

[Grace_O]

l2l,

I get knocked down, the sorrow overwelms me at times, but I will get through this... this is my promise to myself.

Nice. There really isn't another option afterall.

Looking back to the good days is a nice way to remind us that there are more coming.

I am still amazed at the wisdom my daughters have. On the one hand I would have preferred to avoid some of the lessons that gave them this insight (nothing to do with H), but I'm grateful they are able to see beyond the surface of things.

[learning2listen]

well im feeling a little down today, didnt sleep well last night.. I have alot of anxiety as to the big move my h will be making in the next couple weeks..

My d (8yr old) seems to think her dad will just forget about her and she is afraid she is going to miss him alot! Of course she is, and as her mother I want to make her feel better... I need to know what to do here, the angry side of me says let him make the effort with her, but that only hurts her if he doesnt... the mom side is telling me, make her know that she will see her dad even if I have to drive her there once a week.

What is the right thing to do here? I want to do right by her.. my h can hang himself in every catagory except my girls... does that make sense?

[antlers]

I wouldn't be driving 130 miles away for him to see her. He's doing this...let him own it.

[learning2listen]

Antlers... thank you so much I needed to hear that... it is exactly how I feel but I want to do right by my d...

[mishka422]

Only your D can teach your H how to love her. You can't facilitate that. All you can do is reiterate that her dad loves her and that you will always be there for her. The rest is up to him.

[learning2listen]

When will I stop letting it affect me???

My H text messaged my d yesterday, only thing is is I had her phone, so she didnt respond until later that night... he of coarse made a second attempt to contact her when she didnt respond... so now he is super dad??? with a week of no contact?

when I saw her after school I told her he had texted and she responded with a simple "ok, love you too.." and to the text from him that asked if she were ok and how she was doing she responded "yeah"/.. she is 8 yrs old and barely understands normal communication, why would he think it appropriate to text?

anyhow, he calls me this morning and says does D know he is picking her up after school? I said I didnt think so and he referred to his text to her... I have asked him to communicate visits with me, not her... again she is the child... this time i just didnt waist my breath, the text he sent to d didnt have any plans just a statement of "maybe"

when we spoke this morning I just didnt have it in me to fight anymore.. so I simply said it was fine...but I am wanting to spit nails.. he said he has just been so busy with work and all... whatever!!! we are all busy... take the frickin 2 minutes and call me... its your d after all! but instead I just went quiet said it would be fine and now I am on here writing a small book about how mad I am... I am so tired of tip toeing around to save his feeling or being afraid I will push him to just file for the d..

[learning2listen]

Well here we are, my H phoned me yesterday and I am in a tail spin..

He is moving in about a week, he has shared nothing with me as far as his plans etc for visits once he is gone.. he speaks to me only in regards to visits and usually the day before he wants to take d..

finally today i sent a text saying "are we going to discuss the plans once you move? his response.."i will call you later today"

I am postponing the inevitable when it comes to him. in his mind we are over and now he needs to figure out how he can live a couple hours away and still see his d..

he has not mentioned the divorce and it is only brought up when i bring it up.. I dont think he thinks it needs to be discussed.. he is moving and thats that...

I can honestly say I am hanging on to the hope that this is a temporary feeling and that he will come to realize no job, or bill, or any other stress out ways our family..but all it is doing is making me crazy.

I think he is avoiding the d conversation to avoid the conflict, not because he doesnt want one.. I think he thinks i will just file on my own due to not wanting to live this way... I dont see him making any effort to want us back. we have been apart for over 4 months and we barely talk...

[purgatory]

L2L,

I just read-up on your posts... sorry you had to come here... but you came to the right place

"I think he is avoiding the d conversation to avoid the conflict, not because he doesn't want one.. I think he thinks i will just file on my own due to not wanting to live this way"

This ^^^ seems like he's trying to make things as uncomfortable for you so that you will file for D, maybe to ease his guilt? It will be hard, but I think you should keep DBing and if he wants to leave his family, than he has to be man-enough to take the legal steps to file.
It's been my experience, that the spouse who wants out- becomes very concerned as to what the mutual friends and family will say/think about them. So, they want to keep themselves in 'the best light'... by making you uncomfortable enough to file- he protects his reputation and can even play the victim ("my W filed for D...poor me")

You have every right to request/suggest how he interacts with D, but ultimately- he's responsible for the type of relationship he has with D, and you don't have to make excuses for him- but you will be the one who has to pick up the pieces when he disappoints her Kids are smarter than we give them credit for- and she will come to learn how her dad feels about her based on his efforts to be in her life.

I've found that 'venting' on this forum helps me get through the 1000 thoughts and emotions on a daily basis. We're all in the same boat, I'll save you a seat

[labug]

Sounds a lot like my H. I try to have no expectations, and live in today. Of course that's made easier because my kids are adults but it's up to your H to come up with a plan to see his daughter.

[labug]

...in conjunction with you, of course.