WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[Ctflor]

How does she respond when you are detaching?

How does she respond when you do not respond immediately to messages that have nothing to do with the children?

One thing I noticed with my h was that, whenever I detached, he would come closer, in some small way.

In the middle of his crisis last summer, he continued to email me from work every day, and I would respond.

I remember the day I stopped responding to every one as I normally did, and I'd either wait or not respond at all and say I was gone or busy. This really bothered him.

I also stopped doing things like having lunch ready :X yeah I know, but.... I was there too much for him as it was. I simply stopped getting his lunch ready for him and let him do it. I figured, if he planned to be free, he'd need to do that anyway.

Part of my detachment was to stop doing just a few of those small things he was used to, to see his response. And he didn't like it for the most part, seeing me change.

[workinghardguy]

CT... I don't really know the answers because they seem murky, or perhaps I'm too close to the forest to see the trees.

When I'm at home and really separate she seems to often come seek me out. If I'm working out in the basement she often has some reason to talk to me. If I'm in the back room same thing. But I can not tell if these contacts are to pull me closer, to comfort herself, or just routine household maintenance stuff (when we do shopping we need x, kids have x tomorrow, etc...) or a littl bit of all of that.

This week has been very different. I haven't talked to her now in three days. There have been a few emails and one text message over that time. Again though, household stuff about the kids and their Christmas presents and one about a medical issue she is having.

Now what I have noticed since I went really dark on Tuesday afternoon is her lack of communication with anybody After the Tuesday drama of her searching about "trying not to fall in love" and "secret crushes" I freaked out a bit and lost perspective. I fell back on old snooping habits I'm ashamed to say. But what that snooping, which I've gotten back in control of again, did show me though is perplexing. Tuesday there was some texting between her guy and her. And then nothing. And from there onward almost no communication from her to anyone except the kids. Same with the computer... Nothing. It's like she's suddenly gone dark herself, which is completely unlike my wife. In a normal context she will send 50 text messages a day and call probably five different people. When I last looked on Thursday she hadnt called anyone in three days except me.

I have no idea what's going on in her head and realize I have no way of knowing. It could all be part of her entering a depressive cycle. Just before I left we had a conversation where she told me that she can feel herself entering one of her "depressive funks" which typically last 2-3 weeks and are followed by a week or two of crazy energy. It could be some decision regarding her guy and depression over that. It could be my complete absence is affecting her. Or it could be something completely different.

[workinghardguy]

Well... made it home after a long day of travel. We were driving out of the airport and W called me. Said that S wanted to call and talk to me. Apparently I had pocket called the house at some point.

Drove the two hours home. S was just going to bed when I got home, W was in singing to him. I came in to the bedroom to give him his gifts. Unfortunately the snow globe broke in my luggage but my reaction was a 180. In the past I would've become angry and swore. But I just told son it was ok and we'd figured something out. W looked at me but no emotion when I came in the room.

Then I gave S his other gift. When he realized it had the ability to glow in the dark his eyes got as huge as saucers. Then W turned to me with a huge smile and laugh.

I unpacked and grabbed a shower. After the shower I was getting dressed and W started talking to me about her week. Stuff about her being sick, her friends and their issues, her getting accepted into the college for her BSN program. I listened and validated. Told her congratulations, but then ended it pretty quick. Maybe talked five minutes. I had to go to my chaperon duties and didn't really have time to sit and chat.

As I was leaving I outlined when I would be back and stuff. W volunteered to take care of S if I wanted to nap when I got home. Told her we would see... I'm afraid if I take a "nap" after being awake for 36 hours I won't get up... or I'll feel worse than if I just power through and go to bed early. Guess we'll see.

During the convo W did manage to work in one divorce/split reference. She's taking some extra vacation in January and worked in that she wants to use the time to get boxes and stuff set up.

I was very positive and upbeat overall. I didn't react to the boxes/divorce comment. I cutoff conversation because I needed to go. When I first got home I wanted to challenge my W so badly about her guy... but I waited and the feeling passed.

I did have a realization today that I'm working through... I've been very emotional the past two weeks. I've been confused why... it's almost like I haven't been accepting of the divorce and where my W is at, but I feel like I am. What I've come to realize is that it is tied into the kids. I feel like am a failure and letting them down completely. I want to shield them from having to go through the coming pain so badly that I will do almost anything to make it not happen. But I don't have that power and that is frustrating, painful, and makes me feel powerless all at the same time. They deserve better then they are going to get... and I hate that a) I can't seem to stop the progression towards it and b) played a role in getting them to this.

[workinghardguy]

So it's been an odd little day. Currently on my 37th hour of being awake with only a 2.5 hour nap in amongst that 37 hours. Fairly shocked I can type Journaling now because I don't expect to make it much longer before it's time to go to bed!

So the overnight chaperon event went well. Some quiet times which gave me more time than I wanted to think about my sitch, but also many hours of fun back and forth leadership conversations and discussions with the young leaders on our staff. I forgot how much I love being able to probe and test the self-assuredness of young leaders who think they have the world by the tail.

Got to bed around 4am and up again at 7am. About 7:30 I get a text from my W. She tells me, in the message, that last night when I was unwrapping one of the gifts I brought home for S, glass ended up on his bedroom floor. The gift didn't survive unbroken and I didn't realize glass had fallen out. She also included in the text that she hopes the night went well.

I've been making a point of sitting on her texts, but this one I responded to right away. I apologized for the glass, told her I didn't realize it, and wanted to make sure S wasn't hurt. I felt pretty terrible. She texts me back that he's fine and she just wanted me to know because my S has me on his "naughty list" now and would likely lecture me later on poor safety habits. He's taken to enjoying being able to correct mom or dad when we do something wrong She includes a little inside joke we have about S and his lectures, and tells me she's glad I could get some sleep.

I had told her last night that I'd be home about 11am. Of course I ended up losing track of time, and she calls me at 11:30. I let it go to message, but then called her back since I realized I was already 30 minutes beyond my commitment and hadn't communicated with her about it. She was a little ornery, but mainly because S was being difficult. She did work in there that she thought it might be related to not seeing me for a week and being very anxious and excited about seeing me again. I told her perhaps that's true... and internally thought, well that will be fun for you then. I told her I needed to finish up some short work I had started with a young man and then would head home.

I get home and W is in a good mood and very chatty. I say that I am hungry and going to get some lunch. She asks me to get her some too, I say ok. She leaves to head to the pharmacy and I go to get lunch. A funny moment occurred as I was leaving and realized she didn't tell me what she wanted. However, she almost always wants the same thing from this place so I text her asking is she wants the regular and as I hit send my phone rings. It's her calling to tell me she wants the usual We laugh and she says "well, you sure know me". Some days I do I guess.

We have lunch and then S and I hang out playing video games while W takes a nap. Then she runs to the store while S and I put up a few last lights outside and shovel the driveway. Then we just play outside in the snow.

So it's been a good day. W has been very social, warm, and open towards me. Even on the phone where she typically is so distant and cold. There haven't been anything like hugs or ILY or anything drastic, but she is definitely warmer and more open than any time in recent history.

I'm going to assume this is related to me being so distant and dark the last week. That having me home is some type of relief perhaps.

We talked over lunch a little and she caught me up on her sister's issues and stuff with her mom. She even mentioned being very annoyed that she hadn't received an invite to a Christmas party she was hoping to attend, and that she being ignored by "her guy" (the one she was searching for quote about trying not to fall in love with) who is supposed to have an invite for her and it's making her angry. Boy I do feel bad for her there. She also mentioned that she hasn't had a good night's sleep since I left. Though that's pretty normal... she never sleeps good when I'm gone.

It's been pretty easy to keep an even demeanor today and cut things off short. I'm so tired I have no desire for long conversations and a ready made reason for moving on to the next thing.

Tomorrow I am taking my son bowling as W has a sex toy party with her girlfriends at the house. Then S is singing in our evening service so we'll have a full, fun day. And that will be good because I have missed him so much.

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... boy does 10 hours of sleep make a guy feel better! A good day overall. S slept in late and so did I, even after going to bed at 8:30 last night. W got home last night about 10:30, which was shocking since she was out with her friend.

Got up and did some housework. Being gone all week meant I hadn't done any of things I've agreed to do, and W was having her girl party today, so I took a little time and got caught up. W woke up and was pretty friendly. I kept myself busy with my housework so we couldn't interact much (can't talk over a vacuum cleaner). Mid-morning I packed up S and we went for our day together. I told him last week that we would spend all day Sunday together since I was gone all week, plus it got us out of the house during W's "passion" party.

S and I had a great day. I took him shopping to get a new outfit for church tonight. Then we had lunch at his favorite place (which is NOT McD's thank goodness). Then we played three games of bowling, and after that headed to his favorite park (the weather was great today!). After playing there for a while S and I were cold so we went for some hot chocolate and coffee and a grilled cheese sandwich. The night ended with our evening service where S sang in the all-ages choir. He did so good and took it so seriously He was very proud of himself and so were grandma and me. He was so tired he fell asleep as soon as we hit the highway We had such a great time together... the sitch has definitely made me a better and more patient parent, if nothing else I have to be thankful for that.

A few interesting moments from today... this morning W asked me what time the church service was. W has never asked to go and the one time she thought I was asking her to go (about two months ago) she reacted very, very negatively (and I wasn't asking her to go... she just misunderstood what I said). I told her and she seemed genuinely disappointed that she couldn't go, since she had to be 60 miles the other direction to pick up SS and SD from XH. I realize that this is really about S, but I was shocked that she'd even be willing to show up at church with us.

Another moment came during our brief convo this morning. She told me about her friend she was out with. I know and like her friend, even if her friend has made some poor decisions. One on-going terrible decision is this woman's boyfriend. He's a high school dropout, 15 years her junior, a drug dealer/user, abusive, and just a puke. My W makes the observation that her friend "just can't stand to be alone" and that she keeps telling her she needs to learn to do that before she can ever grow as a woman. I so wanted to challenge my W on her "trying not to fall in love" comment but again kept my mouth shut. She followed that up by observing that she knows it will be hard for her to be alone too, but that it's something she has to do to fix herself. Then she started on a little riff about how she is just so lost, broken, and messed up and that this mess is about that. It's about her needing to figure her own stuff out before she can ever be with anyone again.

Ummm... ok... I validate and then head upstairs to find something to do. Thankfully it was time to leave shortly thereafter.

Anyway, we got home tonight and SS and SD were back. They really liked their gifts and we caught up. W was feeling sick still tonight and went to bed early.

I would characterize today as being a lot like yesterday, with her still trying to draw me in. It's hard to resist and easy to find one's self in the middle of a draw without even noticing. It will be good to get back to work and into the swing of things.

[workinghardguy]

Up at 3:00am... four and a half hours of sleep. Woke up and couldn't shut my mind down. Before I went to bed I was straightening up the living room. Came across the local paper folded up with the rental/want ads section showing. A bunch of houses for rent circled or starred and some names/phone numbers in my wife's handwriting on the page.

Of course none of this... I mean none is new news. Just last week I told her I realized she planned to file next month so the D is final around April/May (this was to cut off a line of discussion she was heading down). She's been looking at places on-line for weeks now.

Maybe it's Christmas coming.. maybe it was last night's church service with it's themes of what darkness are you fearful of? what light do your wish for in your life? Maybe it's realizing this may be the last family Christmas for all of us... maybe it's just being back home and around her again.

I don't know... I just don't know. All I know is I haven't cried this much or felt this hopeless and "bottomed out" in a very long time. I just want the pain to stop. I don't want to cry any more. I want my heart to stop breaking.

[NLW]

Working,

So sorry you are down. You've been doing so well at a really hard time of the year.

I don't have much to offer by way of solace - I think we just have to endure the pain that overwhelms us from time to time. There's no way out of it that I can see, beyond the realisation that the extreme sadness comes and goes...

But you can take something from what your wife is saying - and it sounds like she is opening up to you. She seems to be doing some serious thinking about her situation. That has to be a step in the right direction, doesn't it?

[workinghardguy]

Well this day has gone from crappy to crapstorm in a hurry...

And before you proceed... let me warn you there are some personal/sexual discussions coming below, so if that sort of thing makes you queasy then don't carry on... with that said...

I woke up a little after 3am this morning. Couldn't fall back asleep and finally decided to come downstairs at 4:30am. Went for my run, put breakfast in the oven, and showered.

My W comes downstairs about 6:30, walks in the kitchen, and in a very aggressive tone tells me "We have to decide on a time to tell the kids. I can't keep sleeping next to you in the same bed. I don't feel comfortable after you woke up me with your masturbating at 3 this morning."

So much in one set of sentences to process... what? I was what? I honest to god do not remember doing that and certainly not in bed next to her. I would not consciously do that. I apologized for doing it. I apologized again. Frankly I probably should've stopped after the second one, but I felt so terrible.

So she's very angry and feels unwelcome/uncomfortable/awkward in our bed. She wants to move to the basement and sleep on the air mattress. Ok. Obviously that is her choice.

I'm just very upset right now because a) this likely moves the date up for telling the kids which is the one thing I am dreading and fearing most of all and b) I feel like I've undone anything I've accomplished in the past few weeks.

Shortly after that I went upstairs and was picking up some stuff in our room. I suddenly came across a picture/plaque my W gave me for Father's Day when our S was 2. It was a saying about how son's need their daddies with a little hand inside of a father's hand. And at that point I completely fell apart and lost in. My knees went out from under me, I fell to the ground, and just wept and wept and wept. I crying now typing this.

I'm trying to find the good in any of this... the only thing I can find is that the thing I most dread right now, telling the kids, is likely going to be sooner than later. Since I can't stop it from happening and have no power to really stop it, we might as well get it over with. W did agree to not tell the kids until after the holidays and after SS's birthday in mid-Jan. Which I quite frankly isn't that far away from when we were originally going to tell them.

I just feel like I failed.

Though I will also say a small part of me feels like my W has been waiting for something to use as a trigger/leverage to move the process. I did ask her as we discussed it why she didn't say something, hit me, or otherwise make it clear she was uncomfortable. Granted I don't remember the event but I imagine if she had said my name I would've woke up enough to realize what the heck was going on.

Lastly, I still don't intend to bring up telling the kids. What she said this morning was said in a fit of anger. If she wants to follow through and do this she will. Otherwise I'm not going to be the driver.

Oh yeah... and some time in the past few weeks she updated her status on Facebook from "married" to "separated"... that was just icing on top of the crapcake I was able to have for breakfast.

[workinghardguy]

So I was still home when w got home from dropping off kids at school. Just her and I in the house, here's the chance to set that date for telling the kids......... And nothing. and I did not bring it up.

I will say she seemed much less angry after I told her I had no recollection of it and certainly didn't do it intentionally.

I'd also like to give a shout out to the Kansas City Chiefs... While I love my Packers, the idea of having a undefeated season being the same year as my marriage falling apart was not exciting. To be reminded for the next 20 years about the undefeated season and having it linked with this would have been the proverbial poison pill.

[CO1978]

Oh yeah... and some time in the past few weeks she updated her status on Facebook from "married" to "separated"... that was just icing on top of the crapcake I was able to have for breakfast.

I can tell you how that feels, my W did the same about a month ago and my heart dropped out of my chest.
As for everything else it is probably better that you aren't in same bed/bedroom. Some alone time for her might help her see what she is missing? The incident may or may not have happened, it could be her trying to justify to herself a way out. I don't know, it stinks we have to sit back and let them decide what the next coarse of action is. You have about a month to DB your butt off, try to keep positive, there is still hope.