WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Well this day has gone from crappy to crapstorm in a hurry...

And before you proceed... let me warn you there are some personal/sexual discussions coming below, so if that sort of thing makes you queasy then don't carry on... with that said...

I woke up a little after 3am this morning. Couldn't fall back asleep and finally decided to come downstairs at 4:30am. Went for my run, put breakfast in the oven, and showered.

My W comes downstairs about 6:30, walks in the kitchen, and in a very aggressive tone tells me "We have to decide on a time to tell the kids. I can't keep sleeping next to you in the same bed. I don't feel comfortable after you woke up me with your masturbating at 3 this morning."

So much in one set of sentences to process... what? I was what? I honest to god do not remember doing that and certainly not in bed next to her. I would not consciously do that. I apologized for doing it. I apologized again. Frankly I probably should've stopped after the second one, but I felt so terrible.

So she's very angry and feels unwelcome/uncomfortable/awkward in our bed. She wants to move to the basement and sleep on the air mattress. Ok. Obviously that is her choice.

I'm just very upset right now because a) this likely moves the date up for telling the kids which is the one thing I am dreading and fearing most of all and b) I feel like I've undone anything I've accomplished in the past few weeks.

Shortly after that I went upstairs and was picking up some stuff in our room. I suddenly came across a picture/plaque my W gave me for Father's Day when our S was 2. It was a saying about how son's need their daddies with a little hand inside of a father's hand. And at that point I completely fell apart and lost in. My knees went out from under me, I fell to the ground, and just wept and wept and wept. I crying now typing this.

I'm trying to find the good in any of this... the only thing I can find is that the thing I most dread right now, telling the kids, is likely going to be sooner than later. Since I can't stop it from happening and have no power to really stop it, we might as well get it over with. W did agree to not tell the kids until after the holidays and after SS's birthday in mid-Jan. Which I quite frankly isn't that far away from when we were originally going to tell them.

I just feel like I failed.

Though I will also say a small part of me feels like my W has been waiting for something to use as a trigger/leverage to move the process. I did ask her as we discussed it why she didn't say something, hit me, or otherwise make it clear she was uncomfortable. Granted I don't remember the event but I imagine if she had said my name I would've woke up enough to realize what the heck was going on.

Lastly, I still don't intend to bring up telling the kids. What she said this morning was said in a fit of anger. If she wants to follow through and do this she will. Otherwise I'm not going to be the driver.

Oh yeah... and some time in the past few weeks she updated her status on Facebook from "married" to "separated"... that was just icing on top of the crapcake I was able to have for breakfast.