Newbie: Is this MLC and how do I GAL?

[Some Day]

Fellow DBers,

I need your help. H sent me text message today saying he was ready to work things out with me. I called him and to be honest, wasn't sure what to say. I did say that I continue to care for him and have always done so. I said that if he wanted to work things out, I wanted to make sure this was something he was sure of and not because he felt pressure from me or family members. I said that I wanted him to be happy (with or without me) and the last thing I would want is for him to be with me wishing he was with somebody else.

He said he had given it a lot of thought and felt like this is what he wanted to do. He told me he was seeing a psychologist who diagnosed him with reactive attachment disorder (never heard of this), but he was looking to get a second opinion. He apologized for hurting me.

As tempted as I was to start discussing logistics of how this would happen, when he would move in, status of the OW, etc. I did not. I told him about my day, asked about his and kept the conversation lighthearted. I asked him if he had any plans for tomorrow and invited him to go with me to a local park which has beautiful gardens. He agreed.

I'm inclined to take this slow and let him take the lead in initiating conversation of how we move forward. I don't want to put any pressure that will make him run again. What are your thoughts? How should I handle this latest development? How should I act tomorrow when we are together?

PS- I told him about the cruise I'm going on next week. He seemed happy for me but worried (since I am going by myself). He said I should have asked him to go with me. I told him a couple of weeks ago I felt like the last thing he would want was to be trapped for three days on a boat with me

[JustStunned]

SD, IMO slow is the way to go. I understand it is a process, with many more trips on the rollercoaster. I understand success requires perseverance and commitment from both. IDK b/c I haven’t been there.

He came to you and expressed his commitment. Good for you. I am genuinely happy for you. Being skeptical is natural after what most of us have been through. There is nothing wrong with taking it slow and ensuring commitment to the process.

If it were me I’d still do the cruise.

[Some Day]

Thanks JS. Of course I'm doing the cruise! He said he would babysit our two dogs while I'm away

[Cadet]

Sounds like a touch and go.
He does not like that you are making changes
that do not include him.

Stay on you path, of course you should go on the cruise.

Right now he has given you that GIFT of Time.
Do not stop using it for you just because he has said something to you.
Believe his actions not his words.

What action is he taking or has he taken?

[Some Day]

Ugh! Cadet you were right. I'm so disappointed in myself for letting my heart get filled with hope. Today we went to the park gardens. I did my best to keep the conversation fun and light. Not once did he mention the conversation we had yesterday. It was as if it had never taken place. At one point he did take a picture of us together and posted it on his FB wall. So I thought, maybe he is interested in us after all. However, most of the time he was distant/guarded with me and I saw no signs of affection or real interest. It felt like I was hanging out with an acquaintance, not my husband.

Afterwards, we went out for dinner and then he took me home. I asked if he wanted to come in and he said he would to use the restroom. Then he gave me a hug and kiss on the lips as he was leaving. He initiated more heavy kissing. I didn't feel his heart in it, though. It was as if he was doing it because maybe he thought I was expecting it. There was no feeling or emotion to it. Then he left and that was it. It honestly felt like yesterday had never happened and I dreamed it. It feels like overnight he changed his mind about wanting to reconcile.

And once again I'm left in limboland not knowing which way is up. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. I am so sad and dejected right now that I can't help but cry. Every time I allow myself to hope, I get hurt yet again.

How do I move forward? I guess continue doing what I had been doing. Limit the number of contacts I initiate and have him be the one to reach out to me most of the time. Don't always be readily available for him and GAL. And don't believe anything he says.

This [censored]!

[sandi2]

In my first post to your thread I made the statement below:

If he heard tonight that you were going to move in with another man, he'd be all over you trying to make you believe how much he loves you! Why? B/c that's where he is mentally/emotionally. The minute he knew he still had your heart, he'd lose interest again.

He has not had to work to get you back. In fact, if he's even "asked", I must have missed it. No wonder he can just ask for his wedding ring back and put it on his finger, without as much as one word of explanation! But then, why would he, if you keep jumping every time he rings the bell?

As long as you make it too easy for him to reunite with you, I don't think he'll stay interested long enough to even move back home. You need to get a life that does not have time for this nonsense from him. Let him see how uninterested you are at any suggestions he might make. How dare him to text you he's ready to work things out! Talk about taking you for granted!

What if he discovered it's not that easy to waltz back into your life after he destroys the M, lives with a couple other women, and has his fun acting like a stupid teenager?

[Some Day]

Thanks sandi. I know I need that 2X4! I feel like a doormat many times. It's hard for me to act uninterested, but I see your point. He has no doubt in his mind that I would take him back if he truly wanted to come back.

I have been doing a lot of GALing and a lot less initiating contact or invitations than I used to, but most of the time if he contacts me, I am there for him. It's hard for me not to be. I don't know, I guess I should try acting more disinterested and unavailable.

By the way, he didn't wear his wedding ring yesterday. I suspect he just wanted it for the interview.

Had a great time tonight going ice skating with a friend. It was my first time on the ice and I actually did ok. I didn't fall once! It was also a welcome distraction from the heartache yesterday and this morning. H actually invited me to go to a friend's BBQ today, but I turned him down telling him I had errands to run.

He continues texting and calling the OW (I know, I need to stop looking at phone records...I'll get there some day). In fact, she called and texted him this AM. And he called her in the afteroon. He has also continues texting his girlfriend (or whatever she is). So, to Cadet's point, if he were really serious about reconciling he wouldn't be texting/calling these two women everyday. He has more contact with them right now than he does with me. <Sigh>

[sandi2]

By the way, he didn't wear his wedding ring yesterday. I suspect he just wanted it for the interview.

I suspect you're right!

It's hard for me to act uninterested, but I see your point. He has no doubt in his mind that I would take him back if he truly wanted to come back.

Okay, so what could you do to change his thinking and put a little doubt in his mind? I'd like to suggest that you make it your goal to stop giving him details about your activity.

If you feel like a doormat, you have one person to blame. You! The only way you can be a doormat, is if you lay down and allow others to step on you.

You must see that you are of great value! How can you expect him to treat you like a priceless diamond if you don't believe you are worth that much?

And, this isn't a 2x4. I talk like this all the time. (JK)

I can't help but wonder if somewhere in the back of your mind, you think you don't deserve better than what he's dishing out to you. Why does he have no doubt that you'd take him back? Come on,girlfriend! Stop that kind of thinking! Find your dignity and stop waiting on him, snooping to see who he's doing next. You've got a better future than that awaiting.....if you want it.

[labug]

I can't help but wonder if somewhere in the back of your mind, you think you don't deserve better than what he's dishing out to you. Why does he have no doubt that you'd take him back? Come on,girlfriend! Stop that kind of thinking! Find your dignity and stop waiting on him, snooping to see who he's doing next. You've got a better future than that awaiting.....if you want it

Great advice for all of us. I know I certainly taught my family how to treat me by rushing in to help them with their problems, whether asked to help or not, by always being available, by adjusting my life to suit theirs. By "reading" their minds and not asking for clarification or more information when I was confused about something.

We doormats have to stand up and reclaim our SELVES!

[Starsky309]

As long as you make it too easy for him to reunite with you, I don't think he'll stay interested long enough to even move back home. You need to get a life that does not have time for this nonsense from him. Let him see how uninterested you are at any suggestions he might make. How dare him to text you he's ready to work things out! Talk about taking you for granted!

What if he discovered it's not that easy to waltz back into your life after he destroys the M, lives with a couple other women, and has his fun acting like a stupid teenager?

"Amen" to that, and to Sandi's extire, excellent post!!

One of my favorite responses to a wayward spouse that suddenly wants to come back home (usually with no strings attached, of course), is "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore."

Another good one is "I'm not sure what I think about that. I'll have to let you know."


Starsky