Beatrice, yeah I know I'm not very bright sometimes.
Honestly Snodderly, I have no plans for Christmas. I may visit my mom and that is about it.
I am going to cool it a bit on the dating.
You said:
Quote:
She wants to make sure that you are right where she left you and that you will always be there when she has the need to talk.
Maybe but...she told our sons the other day that she doesn't care if I get married.....
So what if she said that? You seem to expect consistent behavior from her. Think about how unrealistic that expectation is.
In fact, it's irrational of you to think that her behavior should make sense or be consistent. The only things she has been consistent about is changing on a whim and being manipulative.
Thing is, you could change your response, but you have not in over a year.
I would get off the phone as soon as you verify that son is fine. There is nothing else to discuss.
She is not your pal, or an old friend.
She is your ex wife. She's an actively negative force in your life, who filed for divorce, blamed you for it, hurt your sons, and spewed venom off and on for a solid year.
I don't care anymore about who she WAS. Go ahead, Be grateful for those memories. But when will you deal with what IS????...
The last few days have been okay, but today is a downer. It's the first one I've had in a while. Maybe because it is cold and raining outside. Her call the other night still confuses the hell out of me. I can't explain why you are still confused by this. I really can't.
I don't even know why she would care especially if I was so terrible.
I'm certain she likes the power she has over you. You keep giving that power to her. So, it's not really surprising when you think about that.
Her life isn't going so well but at least she can still yank your chain, blame you, AND count on a friendly ear when she feels like checking on you...
and the only person who can change any of that, is YOU.
I'm leaving to pick up S17 from her house in a few minutes. I have to pick him up a little early because XW is going to a Christmas party....probably with the douchebag.
Well Geez Tad, you should spend a lot of energy wondering about that...and obsessing and worrying all night about what she is thinking or feeling or saying or doing or if she is dancing and laughing or not....
so don't bother GAL yourself, do NOT detach!!.... b/c hey isn't it way more fun to place your whole daily existence,
happiness and whether any joy will be "allowed" for you or your sons, in HER "steady" hands?
I'm pretty anxious for January 15th to get here. That is the day that I get the keys to my new place.
Tad
I don't know why getting your new place is the "condition precedent" to you detaching. I think it's just another excuse to postpone GAL/Detaching..but I am glad for you to be out of the house.
but can you explain why will it make any difference?
Won't you still answer the phone when you know it's her, and won't you still listen to her go on and on as long as she holds onto the phone?
Won't SHE always be the one to decide how the conversation goes? And everything else? what do YOU think it'll take for you to detach?
Tad- this is not the first time I've asked you this
and you ignored a lot of my questions from the post on 14 December.
Can you answer THAT ^^^question above?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm going to isolate two things from above: you mentioned that XW said she didn't care if you got married...then you said several times you just don't understand why she calls and keeps you on the phone so much if you were "as terrible" as she kept saying you were.
The obvious answer is what everyone has said already, that's she's yanking your chain. This is what she thrives on, she's done it for a year, and she's still doing it. She'll keep doing it until you put a stop to it.
But you still came back with saying you were confused by the behavior.
What I'm wondering is how big a part of you is telling yourself that her talking to you for that time in a nice way is some sort of evidence that she's thinking of giving you another chance. The reason I say this is that you have had a really consistent pattern of putting a ton of emphasis on any time she hasn't spewed, and you've kind of wondered if this meant that things were turning "in your favor." Sometimes I wonder if the reason you don't accept the obvious answer when it is pointed out by several people here is because you don't LIKE that answer, and you're wanting one of us to say, "gee, Tad, I think this means she's really confused about her feelings for you, maybe this means she's reconsidering..."
Just because she can play nice when it behooves her doesn't mean she's coming back. If you read the posts of people who are potentially reconciling, their exes are generally in depression and more or less in shock at their own past behavior, saying things about how they can't believe what they did, etc. Your XW is only in the beginnings of the whole "MLC journey", so to speak.
IF there is any chance in her future to "wake up", it can't happen if you keep so tied to her. She has to face the music. You're not letting her do it with these long conversations.
It's been a year, right? And not one boundary established from you yet. Until you start making and enforcing boundaries, you're at the whim of a crazy person who does not resemble the woman you were once with.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Did you ever burn your hand on the stove as a kid?
Did you ever do something crazy as a kids that cause you pain?
What did you do when that happened?
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There is a point where you don't give a rat's
A$$ anymore what she is doing or not doing.
Hello WS.... That up there is priceless ^^^^^. That said, everyone reaches that point when they FINALLY are tired of feeling like doggie doodoo.
Tad, Control, Buttons, Pain, Acceptance, Happiness and distance. What do these words mean to you. Oh...and please answer 25's question.
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She has to face the music. You're not letting her do it with these long conversations.
Priceless Antonia....priceless!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
If you had learned anything, when she called you, you would have been polite, asked if there is any problem with S17, if none, and she tried to engage you, you would have answered a question then made your excuse to get off the phone.
YOu would have come to the conclusion that:
She is reeling you in (based on her efforts to be nice).
You would have shown her that you did not need her nice convo to feel good about yourself. That you do not give a dmn about her life. That she has her own separate from yours life now and you have your own. If you were detached, you would not even let her lead the conversation.
You cannot see the forest for the trees, Tad. How will you ever get to your destination if you are forever lost in the nitty gritty of your sitch?
What does it matter what she thinks right now? A batchit crazy persons logic doesn't mean a thing. If she hates you today, likes you tomorrow, what is the assurance she won't hate you again the day after?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
i see myself in you! You might not contact your XW but will always be there for her. After all, isn't it how a good husband should be? NOT IN MLC's land!!!!! In my sitch, I'm set-up and rejected and s*ckered in, and trashed , i'm perfect and damaged good.....
What do you think i suffer from, after all this? I see myself as passive-agressive. Makes sense if you've read the above...
I try to validate what he is telling me but he spins so fast that i lose my chain of tought. I end-up spinnig, myself. I'm going crazy. Today, i cried like a baby because i became overwhelm with the fact that someone (still don't know who) cleaned my driveway while i was at work. The smallest act of kindness from anybody is like a miracle to me. That is how emotionally unstable i am, 30 months pass BD.
Don't make the same mistake i did Tad. DETACH AND RUN. If she EVER wakes-up, she'll know where to find you. If it is to late for her, it will mean that you have gotten a better life then what she could offer you!
You have made amazing progress since your journey began. Do the battle of 1 day. ( poem that you can read in my thread )
When I think about your posts, and things that happen....
I am reminded of being a kid on a Saturday morning. You and your parents had this fun day planned, and then the Washing Machine broke. So your Dad called the repair place to have someone come and take a look at it. The repairman says that he has a few house-calls that day, but might be able to squeeze you in. And he will call if he can come around.
So the "fun" day gets put on hold. I mean, it is the time before cell phones, and portable electronic communication. And the family waits.......
You don't want to venture too far out of range, in fear that you will miss the call from the repairman. You remember doing nothing except waiting. Sometimes the repairman called, sometimes he didn't until MUCH later......
Yet you waited.....
I see you there Tad.....waiting.
So afraid that you will "miss" her call , if you step outside for too long. If you take a step forward.....
And every time you hear her voice on the other end....all the progress YOU have made, gets washed down the drain...You still expect that one thing , or event, to cause her to "wake up"
Sitting and waiting for her to "get over this" or "get through this"....allows you to sit comfortably waiting, for her to realize her mistake, and come back to you, begging and pleading to take her back.....
It allows you to sit back, and tell people that you "did all you could" because you "stood" for her, for however long it happens to be at the time the question arises.
What you won't mention is how you avoided the hard questions...
How you ignored the good stuff that you could have been working through, so that you don't have to be the victim in this.
How you just survived, and have just been waiting for her to realize her mistakes......
You have the world in front of you Tad....yet you have let your marital status "define" who you are.
You have four boys...right ?
You have spent your whole life around the music industry.....right ?
I challenge you to look back through ANY of your threads, where you actually talked about any of that, in a way that DOESN'T reflect a memory of your marriage.....
Dam.....I challenged you to post for a week without talking about your X......and you met the challenge, by not posting AT ALL.....
So once again.....I challenge these questions to you......
I find that 2x4's can be harsh and depressing sometimes. We need to hear them but we also need guidance, help in figuring this out. I gathered a list of core values. I want you to look at TAD the man, not Tad the father, not Tad the XH but TAD THE MAN. Who is he and how does he wants to be perceived by the people he meets.
There you have it! If your personal core values list is still too long and bulky, chip away at it some more until you only have about 10 values on your list. Make that part of who you are and know that this is your code (or map) to your best life.
Once you know who you are and what you stand for, you'll be in a good place to make good, healthy decision for you/yourself. You will be able to set goals that fits into your life. If you are happy with the man you are, others will be drawn to your "joie de vivre".
