The Crazy Train

[AntoniaB]

Trusting you said this..."At the beginning of my ex's mid life crisis he said something to me I will never forget. He said "you really don't know who I am".

I can't remember where I read it, but I read somewhere reputable that the reason that MLCers say this is that only they know who they "really" are deep inside, and they have never allowed this person to authentically come out 100%. You can't even say the MLC personality is that authentic person, because often the MLC persona is an extreme reaction that is FIGHTING the inner person. So for this reason, when they claim we don't know them entirely, there is truth to this on some level. There is the truth that they let us see, and there is the truth they know.

When I met my XH he said he had a rough childhood. He also would say things like "oh I'm not like other people...but you can handle me." Then he was darn near perfect for 2 decades...but there were TIMES I saw that troubled side come out, and I downplayed it. In retrospect, he had a temper that he would turn on himself, not on me. He was depressed from time to time, but I could bring him out of it by suggesting a trip or something. He had serious insecurity issues, which he masked by saying things like "well he just wanted to be with me all the time." I turned all evidence of his problems or issues into benefits. I rationalized HIS behavior all the time. But the thing is, what I say here as negative behavior was something I might see only 4 times a YEAR. It was never enough to see a pattern. 95% of the time, we had a highly functioning marriage that made me very happy and secure, and even knowing what I know now, I still wouldn't have thought he was harboring this person he eventually became. NO way.

When he had his MLC trigger, he said "I've been pretending to be ok with things when I haven't been. I am tired of pretending." He sometimes said that the pretending went on a year or two and other times he said the entire relationship. This of course threatened me, and so I became very angry and very controlling. THEN he went total opposite, and he sort of went into this whole "well if I wasnt' happy doing XYZ for you, I'll do the opposite. I'll do everything in the moment. I will live by the seat of my pants. And if that includes jumping ship for OW, so be it. This is who I am."

I don't think it's really "who he is." I don't know who he is, and I don't know if he knows who he is because he's not in my life. I think at the core, the MLCer has serious issues of identity that he/she feels are so tough to face that either a section of their life or the ENTIRETY of their life is a series of roles they play to cope.

I'm not saying we don't all play roles. We do. But I think the difference between the MLCer and the non-MLCer is that the non-MLCer acknowledges the roles out loud, where the MLCer adopts the role, becomes it, insists to everyone around them that this is who they are and says they have NO confusion about it, when the truth is that confusion about who we are is a part of life.

When I had issues of identity during the time we were married, I talked about them. A lot. Maybe too much. He did not. Issues of identity are normal, but they become larger than life, I think, if you keep them in hiding.

Beatrice I don't know if this gives you any insight or not...my divorce lawyer told me outright that after 36 years in the practice, she had never seen a cheating husband treat me with the dignity in the divorce process that my XH did. In fact, she said that she thought he would never go through with the divorce because of the way he acted with the separation agreement. I got more than 50% in a state where a 50/50 split is dictated by law. My XH has also never said anything negative about me to others. With the number of mutual friends and acquaintances and the fact that we both are teachers in a VERY small state, I'd know if he had. And then, well, you all know the story of him helping me bury our cat. I think my XH loves me on a very deep level, but I think he's also decided that what he did was so unforgivable (and the OW is good enough for him and flatters his ego) that he is taking the past of least resistance and staying put with his choice, and I think many of these MLCers do the same.