Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Nblost]

H just left again for work/OW's city. He's gone until Friday morning.

We had a typical weekend. H was nice, but kind of distant. We didn't have any sexual contact. H gave me a couple breaks to get some shopping done but otherwise, we basically did things with the kids.

Tonight, we got into talking about H's job and a promotion he was offered. The pay isn't much of an increase, and he will need to continue to travel. The company also wants him to start paying for his own travel in 6 months. I was asking him how he felt about the promotion outside of "everything else". He really likes the company and he thinks it's a great chance to manage a big piece of business. He seems to want the job although he's trying to negotiate for more pay.

We then got into if he'd continue to travel or is this a sign that maybe he should relocate (to OW's city). I reminded him that we can't keep living like this and tried to ask him what he wants to do. He doesn't know and feels like he can't talk to me about it. I told him I'm having a hard time because we have such a one-sided relationship. He agreed. He said he feels like he's been honest with me but I said I'm struggling more with the "lies of omission"....he agreed. We had a talk that was very similar to past talks and it just feels like he is torn. The kids then interrupted us and H came over and rubbed my shoulder. Before we stopped talking, he agreed to go to our MC after the holidays.

We were then downstairs with the kids for awhile but eventually ended up back upstairs and H offered to give me a back rub (I've had a sore shoulder). That led to us talking more. I told H that I still want to work on our marriage, but I don't know for sure how things will work out. He said that wasn't very comforting. I told him I just meant that if we try... if he still doesn't feel good about things...we don't have to stay married. I said I was trying to be positive that trying doesn't necessarily mean he's stuck with me.

He said he thinks that if he lights a match to he and OW's relationship--the whole thing will go up in flames and he'd never get it back. (Really?? and this is the relationship you are risking our family over??) He said though that he still isn't sure he wants to stay married. He didn't like the way we interacted both before and after the affair. I told him I didn't like our marriage before either and we talked about some of our issues and how we didn't work on them. Since the affair, I told him that I couldn't compete and I've felt like I've had to detach from him. (But, makes me realize that the LRT may be too distancing from him and my 180 may need to be being more open with him)

He also admitted that he hasn't talked to anyone about his affair. I think he lied when he told me he had told one of his friends who is divorced. I encouraged him to talk to his friends and he said he doesn't want to in case we work things out. (I think it's a combination of that and of not wanting to tell people what he has done)

We capped off our discussion with our most sexual encounter yet...but no ML still (which is fine). I had also woven into our discussion that I am nearing my breaking point and this is the longest I've gone without sex since I was 18. (I think it's been about 7 months). I don't want to get into a new relationship and I want to work on our marriage...but I am getting tired of this. I won't get graphic, but something funny happened near the end of our "interlude" and H was still laughing about it when he walked out the door to to go the airport. (We both thought it was funny)

Anyway...the positives are:

H agreed to go to counseling in January.
Our discussion was relatively positive without H getting too defensive about the A or too critical of our marriage.
He seemed to be worried about satisfying me sexually.
He left on a funny/affectionate note

The biggest to me is getting him into some counseling. I still honestly feel like I just need him to come to a decision...and hopefully with counseling, it'll be a good one.

M: 43
H: 45
Married: 12 years
PA/EA since August 2011
A continues...