New Here; Husband left

[Coyote]

"Coyote you said that it might be 2 + years before I'm in the clear w/ H. What did you mean by that?"

I should give more explanation here. Understand this is just to help give you a better understanding so that hopefully you don't waste so much energy going over, 'what if I had done this or that, and what if I had...etc etc.' It's an easy rut to get into.

Almost always, when a person/S goes through a radical, persistent change in their behaviour like this it doesn't get 'worked out' overnight. Especially when it's an up/down roller coaster ride like what you've seen from your H.

While it seemed like it to you, this is not something that happened over night with H. He's probably been feeling increasingly out of sorts for around 6 months, maybe up to a year. Like something's not quite right. Finally, like a wound up rubber band it snapped. I've seen this pattern with my WAS and many others. (Read alot on it too.)

As a side note, again, try not to waste energy going over, 'if I would have done such and such this wouldn't have happened.' Often, when a person has finally come out of this they have reported that, 'even if my spouse had been perfect this would have happened anyway.' (I have personally heard this myself a few times from 3 different individuals, my WAW being one of them.)

Yes, there are other WAS's that are basically cheesed off at a few things/a group of things from their S. Behaviour from their S's that's been grating on them for a long time and they've finally had enough. However, these WAS's don't usually do the up/down roller coaster thing. This is not the case with your H.

Your H has to work through this on his own. There's nothing you can do for H. You have to leave H alone while he's off on his roller coaster ride. When H is ready to come out of his 'tunnel' it will be gradual. In small stages. It won't be all at once. Sure, sometimes it may actually seem like H is back but then H will probably scurry back into his tunnel for a bit more. Gradually, this will get less and less. Knock on wood, H will come out of the tunnel for good. Expect a little change though if he does. Usually, when people go through something like this they come out of it changed a little. (There are a select few that, unfortunately, don't come out of their tunnel. Chances are your H is not one but just a small heads up here.)

This is why, as I said before, you can expect at least about a year or 2 before you can 'start' to feel you're in the clear with H.

Keep chipping away at the positive changes you need to make for yourself. One by one. Changes that help you become a fuller, better, more balanced individual. You need to do this for you and your child. If and when your H comes back around in a genuine fashion to see what's up you won't be someone mired in bitterness, accusations and finger pointing.