Do I stay or do I go?

[Abbey]

He IS missing you. Mine used to call at 1 am. Why? Cuz he was lonely. It's a tightrope you walk on this one.

As VC said, the OW isn't gone yet. What I think with men, is very often they can't just be single. Women do that more successfully, in many cases.

Keep him at arm's length, but just keep making it clear:, yes, I'm potentially interested... but the ball is in your court because it is YOU who has work to do... it is YOU who has to tie up your loose ends.

Abbey

[anyhope]

H keeps calling still and came over the other day, again attempted to ask about us getting back together.. He also got me a luggage set I really liked for Christmas. I ended up pretty much kicking him out he got me so upset with acting needy.. (lol, it is true that it doesn't work) He left and called me about an hour later asking if I wanted to go away with him and try the new luggage.. Away where? I know for a fact he has no money so have I said yes he'd be using credit cards which is crazy I think..

Anyways.. I got even more upset told him again I have no intentions of getting back together right now and him constantly calling and asking is not helping.. I even sent him a clear message on facebook saying that i will consider but right now the answer is no and tomorrow will most likely be the same...I need time to think things over and by time I mean time not a day..

I also told him that IF I decide to give him another chance ow will have to be history, but as of now he's still very much living with her.

So long story short I dont know how to be any more clear than this, he already called today 3 times and I didnt pick up and will not pick up. A friend has invited me over on Wednesday he said only so and so will come and you should come to. Now he also invited H. I know he means well, but I decided not to go because I feel pressured by all the contact we have and we see each other way too much. Some meetings have to happen, some don't, so I'm skipping the Wednesday get together but I'll still see him at another friend's birthday party over the weekend, but if I could get a week without him even that would be great right now..

[anyhope]

Btw he also repiled on fb saying that he is very sorry about what he did and how the whole thing starts to feel like a nightmare..
I told him that I was living a nightmare for months while he was happily running around day after day with ow, making it very clear he had no intentions of being with me. I told him he will most likely never understand the pain I went through..

[kml]

Stay strong. If he really means what he says he will BOOT OW OUT! Anything less is completely unacceptable.

[Abbey]

Stay strong. If he really means what he says he will BOOT OW OUT! Anything less is completely unacceptable.

YUP.

You are in the place where most of us need to get to. Which is to have the control to have your marriage worked on... or he can get stuffed. Stay strong.

Abs

[anyhope]

H came over tonight, he bought the christmas ornaments. He said ow might not be there for Christmas. He said he told her to go and shes not taking it well. I also ended up going to my friends house where I said I wouldn't go, he came to and bought me a flower.. Not like him at all.
Again, called today all day after I avoided him for 2 days and still asking to get back together promises to do whatever it takes.
I still need more time and told him yet again, but he seems to have issues understanding that I'm not running back to him just because he realised he made a mistake.. It was a very long mistake still in effect, so it is what it is for now.. No major changes..

[kml]

Again, called today all day after I avoided him for 2 days and still asking to get back together promises to do whatever it takes.

Ummm...fine, but "whatever it takes" means getting OW out of the apartment ASAP, taking responsibility for his actions, accepting that he has to START OVER AT SQUARE ONE with dating you, and that that probably means living in separate apartments for at least six months while he proves the sincerity of his intentions.

[verycrazy]

What kml said sounds good, all of it. Getting ow out hopefully won't be too big a hassle, but, I can imagine a lot of drama there since she isn't taking him telling her to leave well. But, hey, the new year is coming, and maybe a new start with it.
vc

[Abbey]

Very often, the OW will do all the NON DB things like cry, plead, threaten, etc etc etc. Other's will do the passive aggressive thing like just waiting your H out. They won't move until either the lease expires or the H moves out. They figure if they wait it out, or make it hard, that that will FORCE them to stay with them. Pretty desperate stuff. And don't put it past them to do all kinds of wacky, manipulative and desperate stuff to KEEP what they feel is theirs.

Abs

[anyhope]

Yes that crossed my mind also and would not surprise me so with that being said as you can imagine still no progress was made.
I got the his needs her needs book in the mail and just finished reading it. It has some great points to it, or I should say points are right on so I decided to wrap it and gift it to h tomorrow as ive invited him and my dad over for dinner.
The book also mentions how men who have affairs have issues letting ow go and often get depressed over not being able to keep both her and the wife... So... Thats not really good, but as it stands now he doesnt have me and I made it very clear to him that I will not be an option.
Even if she left which Im not sure when if ever will happen who knows how long it will take them to break contact fully.. The worse thing I can imagine happening is that I take my time to convince myself to work on it only to find out down the road that he's still talking to her.. That would just kill me.. I don't know... I'm really not sure I'll ever be able to forgive him, I mean it's not that he cheated and got caought.. He just told me about her and as if all was good started having a relationship with her, running off with her each day after work like I didn't exist.. I remember crying each night and being up until he'd get home at 1-2 in the morning, and the mental images of what he might be doing while he s gone and he didn't care.. I mean it was too much.. He told me a while ago that I should forgive him because everyone makes mistakes.. How do you define a mistake? This was one hell of a mistake..