Journaling....

Things seem to be going good with me and my W. She seems to be committed to working on the marriage and I can see some positive baby steps happening.

There is one thing that concerns me though...she doesn't have any desire for romance or anything of the sort. No touching...nothing. I'm not putting any pressure on her at all about it. Last night she brought up the fact that things are going good, but she's not willing to jump in the sack right now. I calmly told her that I wasn't asking her to. I asked her if it was me...she said whe didn't know, but she doesn't feel attracted to me and hasnt for a long time.

Then i told her that anyone that would be expecting to jump back in where we left off would be an idiot. I proceeded to tell her that it has only been 2.5 weeks since we got back together. There is still a lot of broken trust and pain that we have to sift through. I explained that it would be easier for me to jump back into things because I didn't leave...yet, she was hurt so badly that she did leave so it would be harder for her to jump into things. I tried to reassure her that this stuff takes time.

Okay, it bothers me that she's not attracted to me. My logic is telling me that she is still unable to let her guard down fully. As it has been said a million times...one month for every year married is the general guideline. We have 12 years under our belt...2.5 weeks is nothing.

She also told me a week ago that the OW "ruined" her as far as romance, italy and physical touch is concerned...I imagine that experience did a number on her head, especially since the OW completely cut her off afterward. Then there's the whole thing with the OW's husband sticking his head in the shower while she was showering...then later on grabbing her in places she will not tell me trying to have sex with her. To me that is assault. Who wouldn't have issues.

Then there is the issue of me looking at porn. She said she was fine with it because she had such a low libido, but she recently told me that it really hurt her.

If she was attracted to me once, then she could be again. In fact, she told me that she wasn't even attracted to the OW, but She got caught up in the OW telling her how wonderful she was.

The non-logic side of me is saying that's want a wife who is attracted to me. Someone that will accept a the wonderful things that I say about her. I'm concerned she may never find me attractive and getting hurt a second time will be harder than the first.

I did try something a little different this time around. Instead of getting angry about the situation; I got her a thank you card and wrote how had I see her working on our marriage and I just wanted her to know that it means a lot to me. The card was neutral...nothing romantic and I made certain that it nor I said anything about love.

After she read the card she came in to the room I was in, thanked me and gave me a hug. A HUG!!! I was so excited. I got a hug from the woman who, a little more than a month ago, told me she had no desire to be with me. I know she's working on our marriage for the kids' sake...but that is improvement. I'm also sleeping in the same bed as her.



So, I think I should stick with logic and ignore my worries and concerns. If I continue to do want I'm doing she will see a confident man. If I get upset and throw a fit she'll see an insecure boy. I just needed to type it out I guess. Of course any comments or advice is welcome.