Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

Thanks LFW,

I see where you're coming from. Here's the thing though, I don't expect W to clean the kitchen and I never make any commentary on it positive or negative. We do a 50/50 on dishes/cleaning and I *never* complain that what she's done isn't good enough. In fact, I never *complain* about her at all. The issue is in my asks, not my complaints, and what I've asked her for is to (1) do some work on her unhappiness, (2) understand my love language and work with me like I work with hers and (3) help me understand how to make sex more enjoyable for her, so that she enjoys engaging in it with me versus viewing it as a gift she's given me.

That's it -- I don't complain about cooking, cleaning, parenting, finances, friends, family, politics, religion, etc. On those dimensions we're aligned or I'm supportive.

The other challenge is that compliments or positive reinforcements make her feel worse, so it's hard for me to let her know what I'm happy about. The IC said that she will be quick to interpret these as covert criticisms, or expectation setting. (i.e. "you look good tonight" is interpreted as "I wish you put more time into your appearance", or "if you don't look good I won't love you" etc., even though that's not what I mean or what I'm saying, that's where she goes.) I definitely have felt that she turns what I say inside out and then scolds me for the reverse. Now I know WHY she does it, and that feels good.

So in terms of DB and what I can control, this really falls on my shoulders to (1) make every effort not to appear critical or judgemental of people other than my wife, (2) drop the discussion about improving the sex life, (3) stop sharing scenarios in which my expectations weren't met that don't have to do with my W, (4) forget about getting my words of affirmation, and just accept that they're not going to come.

That list honestly scares me. Call it MLC, but I'm looking forward as someone in their mid-40's and saying "can I live like that forever after?" Can I really be happy with someone who doesn't seem to enjoy sex? Can I go through my life not feeling attractive and wanted by my W? Can I accept these things without fostering resentment that will sabotage our marriage down the line?

The cop out is to say that I can live with this for now, and that in the future when things improve, W may change and these things may get better. That might happen, but IC said that is not the path of accepting who she is. His point is that I need to accept all of it now, reconcile the bad, and be ok with the whole package.

What I told IC was that I was reconciled before -- before my W had the affair and dropped the bomb, I had accepted what I was getting and had made myself happy with it. I had filled in the missing pieces for myself. Now that I've gone through all this pain and done all this work on me, I don't *want* to compromise with 80% good. That wouldn't be worth the pain, you know? If a little more pain gets me 90%, let's go for it, I'm ready to do the work, W, I'd like you to come with me for this last bit.

Ugh, at least now it's on the table, but it's a tough thing to look at.

Accuray