DBing against OW...?????

[imthemom]

Im so tired of feeling this way....I really want to fast forward to a year from now and be happy and over this and moved on...i know we have to do the hard work but Im at the point were I just am sick if it...i feel beat down, and the acting "as if" is getting harder and harder.

Ive kept myself busy all weekend, special olympics christmas party with S21 was fun, always it and got my mind off what is going on. Even S21, on the way to party commented on how last year H and S14 were with us. This year it was just me and S21 but we had a good time.

went out to dinner and had a drink with S28 and talked about xmas..he is trying to get some nice gifts for brothers so xmas wont be so bad, but he is so angry at H....a few weeks ago I had finally confronted H on the fact that he has had no contact with S21 or S28 in 5 months and how does he justify raising those kids as his own and treating them this way and he told me he had called S28 a few times and he "doesnt even have the decentcy to call me back"..I asked S28 about this and he said thats a lie..he hasnt called me once....yet another lie...

I get that people get D every day...what I dont understand is the complete abandonment that he has chosen...it has detereiorated to absolutely no contact and not even the basic human compation of checking to see if the family you had for 19 yrs are ok during the holidays...nothing..not even a text to say hey what is the plan for S14s christmas presents..or for that matter what is the plan for christmas..can I see him for xmas eve or xmas day? Im assuming it will be the same as Thanksgiving and he wont see him at all since it hasnt been brought up..he spends that time with her now and seems perfectly happy about it.

last night a friend of mine (our maid of honor in our wedding) who is friends with him on fb told me he posted a song on his wall by Tim McGraw called better then I use to be...i listened to it and it made me sick...he thinks that totally cutting off the family he had for the last 19 yrs and not giving a sh#$ what happens to them is "better then i use to be"...

I use to think that the man I knew could not live with how he is treating us and eventually he would realize what he has done and feel horrible about it...im realizing that the man i knew is dead and gone...and he will never see what he has done. He thinks what he has done is good and right.
I will always be here for my kids and do what I have to do to protect and take care of them. I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I did my best and handled this whole thing with dignity and did not stoop to his level. But my heart will NEVER be the same. I feel like I am totally broken and will never trust anyone again. I hope i feel this way because its still fresh..and im going to do what I can do to change that. I dont want to be the bitter woman for the rest of my life...but man, they make it hard work.....