One of the things I've noticed here, and although the veterans will say, or screamm rather, "look at yourself", most people spend their time looking at the MLCer. Or the person they believe to be in MLC. I think that rather than being objective about things, many LBS try to fit their spouse into the MLC box. Still pondering that, and maybe it's something I do, but it sort of relates to what I really wanted to say...
A little over six years ago when my brother died I hit a wall so hard that I was finally compelled to take a close look at myself. I finally had the motivation to explore my lifelong battles with depression, aloneness (different from loneliness) and hopelessness, and examine my role in them. I read a bunch of books ("Intimacy and Solitude", "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing", etc), tossed out what I didn't think fit and threw the rest into the hopper.
I learned to do, and continue to do, two things. First, I keep a close eye on my values. I am crystal clear on what is important to me: honesty, faithfulness and integrity are the most relevant here. Examining H's behavior through the lense of my values truly keeps me from hanging on like a dog with a bone. None of his behaviors with regard to our split is consistent with my values so I am not even remotely interested in engaging with any of it or with him.
Second, when I feel myself being pulled in a less than reasoned direction I ask myself, "Why am I choosing this path? What is it about me is driving my decision? What need does this choice meet?" If I don't like the answers I choose another path. It is critically important, however, to be honest with yourself.
Soon after I'd begun exporing these skills, an xbf ended our relationship, telling me along the way about his drunk driving conviction, etc. Moving on for me involved asking myself why it is that I would grieve the loss of someone who, first, chooses to drive drunk, and second, does not want to pursue a relationship with me. I of course missed the good times we had, but checking in with my values and asking "why?" for my choices rather than his, put me well on the road to moving on.
These two things became second nature to me, and I've been using them since the split with H in September. I will not put energy into chasing down someone whose behavior at present does not mesh with the things that are important to me. My need for companionship has been a challing one out here in the country, but rather than chase down H and batter my self esteem in the process I am revisiting those books and throwing myself into other things.
I don't know if my approach will help people who are having difficulty detaching, but it works for me and might be worth a try. I haven't shed a tear in almost two weeks and called his phone only once, and that was today in response to a message saying he was afraid the fire extinguisher on the boat would explode and blow up the propane tanks, the house, and (I guess?) me.
So rather than just recognizing that THEY are on a crazy train, ask yourself whether their behavior while on that train is consistent with your values and what it is about you that compels you to run after that train. What need of yours is your behavior meeting?
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Hi, I think the reason I started the thread was to encourage people to do what you suggested.
Let them go and do not get sucked in - or as you put it - don't run after that train! Put the energy into working on yourself - either sorting out your issues, or doing stuff you like and becoming the person you want to be.
Thinking of it as the crazy train just helps me to detach, stay detached and NOT get sucked in. Others have different strategies.
What is destablising is that many people here have known their MLC spouse a long time - I would say twenty years isn't unusual, and have usually spent most of their adult life with that person, who up until the MLC had core values that were aligned with ours.
It is hard when someone changes radically and relatively rapidly into someone else, not to get too close, and try and 'fix' what is oging on. We literally cannot believe it for a long time.
Bea, The mlcer has been evolving for quite some time before the bomb is dropped. The changes were gradual and not something that would have sent up red flags for us. Our focus was on our children, home, work, comforts of living, the day-to-day stuff, etc., that we didn't focus on the little changes that were taking place. I bet if we all sat down and thought about it, we could now see some of those little changes and when they began.
It takes a long time for the newbies to hop off the crazy train because it's such a shock to them as to their spouses acting out. Detachment takes a lot of time and once the lbs has learned how to do it, it still requires practice not to over analyze what the mlcer says or does. Each person needs to give themselves a pat on the back because this is not an easy walk in the park. It's not like someone dying and we grieve for them and move on. Mlcers tend to strike when we least expect and the wound remains fresh for many years. Eventually time does heal wounds and w/the help of the board, friends and family, the lbs begins to heal and learn how to deal w/the mlcer. The lbs learns that this is their mlcer's journey and that they didn't break them, therefore, they can't fix them. Once the lbs understands this, they then can begin to focus on their own journey and usually their journey is by far the most enlightening one because they are looking at life as it is and not reliving their past. It is a journey that will take both parties to the intersection...they both will need to determine whether to remain at the stop sign or make a decision as to which road to take for their on destiny. Life is about making choices...we need to make our own choices as to how we will write our life's book...the mlcer will opt to make the horror film.
Just me two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This thread is such a help and gives me encouragement, not about his journey but about my journey.
I often think back to a, at the time, seemingly inconsequential talk my H and I had about 3 years ago. We were taking a walk in our neighborhood and I brought up some home projects I wanted to do. We had just built this house but some minor things needed finished and some landscaping projects completed.
He looked at me and said: "W, I'm not doing anything else to that house." I was flabbergasted, it was so different, this was the house HE wanted to build. We have always been the home improvement couple.
Hindsight. He had bought his ticket.
But seeing that allows me step away and see the situation for what it is.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Snodderly - I agree with all you say. Looking back, the small changes were there. But we all of us are changing slightly all the, and that is also part of why I think we fail to register what is going on [apart from being busy of course]
I certainly took forever to get off the crazy train - one of the reasons I call it that is that it still helps me to think about it as him over there on the wild ride, and me safely off, and watching from a distance.
Your point about focusing on our own journey and not re-living our past is a really helpful one. As long as we remain alongside and involved either practically or emotionally with our MLcer it takes the focus off us, but we also have to heal before we can move on. Detachment and healing take a lot of time.
And yes, life is about choices, and also about dealing gracefully and gratefully with what life dishes out to us.
There is a wonderful pair of books by two very different authors 'The Life you Always Wanted' and 'A Million miles in a Thousand years' Both of them are about making ourselves responsible for the life that we live, and making it a wonderful life, with meaning and purpose. [Which brings us back to it really being a choice, ultimately] Both point out that life isn't always easy, or meant to be easy, because then character development and growth doesn't take place. i found them two of the most inspirational books I have read, not just in 2011, but in my adult life.
L, I am so pleased that you are finding the thread helpful - so am I - the different view points, and my thinking through my own journey to date are very helpful.
I am less sure that they have bought their ticket - I think they go through a period of conflict, and some go into MLC and others stay and work it out.
My h said lots of things that retrospectively make some sense, but if I am honest, none of them gave any indication that he really wanted out of the marriage. And you know, six years on he is still crazy, not very happy, but sure [to anyone who will listen] that he made the right choices.
Just a thought about the crazy train. Most of our MLcers tell us they were not happily married, and never were [although this varies depending on many things, including it would appear, the phase of the moon!]
Now I don't know about you, but if I hadn't been happily married, to the extent that I needed to leave and fast, would I really expect to find happiness in a new relationship?
Of course not, I would run a mile from an institution that had 'made' me unhappy. And yet our MLCer thinks their salvation lies in a new relationship . . . . am I the only one that finds this a little strange?
Bea, It's not strange at all. Mlcers can't stand to be w/us, but yet, they can't be alone...so they hook up w/the op and then in most instances, marry them. If they lived alone, they would have to focus on what ails them and they can't or won't do that.
Are they truly happy now? I would venture to say that most of them have accepted their fate and will live out their lives in the situation that they got themselves into when they ran away. Will they ever admit their mistakes? I seriously doubt it.
Bea, we invested our entire lives in our marriages, these mlcers did not. That's why it was so easy to walk away. When people don't invest a lot into something, it's far easy to toss it aside and not look back.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You know, I still believe that my xh did invest a lot in the marriage. I have wonderful thoughtful gifts, and wonderful memories and my children also cherish memories of a father who was loving and kind. So perhaps not as much investment, but a lot.
What I was thinking is - if you were really unhappy with your marriage you would not expect to find happiness in re-marriage would you? The people I know who have been unhappy in their marriage have been very very cautious about any new relationship . . . Perhaps the truth, as Frank Pittman suggests, is that people do not leave unhappy marriages for someone else. that act requires some optimism that marriage/relatonships delivers happiness.
