I think what I am trying to do is give you hope. I am looking forward to Christmas and New Year. I have made and am evolving new traditions. I have received invitations to do good stuff [and initiated some] It isn't an effort any more.
We do get there, truly. It eventually stops being survival, and becomes living again, enhanced by what we have learned, and who we have become.
Beatrice, i brought what you said over to my thread to address.
This is our 3rd Christmas without H. It was H's favorite holiday and he went to great lengths to make it special for the kids and I. For him, that meant spending a lot of money.
H still spends a lot of money on everyone, but me, of course, and S24, who won't take a thing from him.
I struggle trying to make Christmas special now. For me, it was never about the money spent. I don't have the extra anyway. The kids get as much spent on them as they ever did, and probably even more, but there is a pall over the holiday. I struggle trying to maintain the Christmas spirit as the kids are resentful that it just 'isn't the same' anymore.
I end up stuck between a rock and a hard place. We've always gone all out with decorating. It used to be a family affair and now I find that I'm doing the majority of it. If I try cutting down on the amount we do the kids get upset, but their hearts aren't in making sure it gets done. It falls mainly to me.
So many of the decorations hold memories for me of H. They are things H and I would pick out together. Maybe leaving them tucked away would be the answer, but at this time I don't have the money to replace them and the house would be extremely bare without them.
Each year I host a Christmas party. It's mainly for our friends and each year it gets bigger as the kids invite co-workers too.
I spend a couple days cooking, which I enjoy, and admit I get an ego boost when I hear the compliments as the food disappears.
I had my Christmas party last night. One of the guests mentioned they happened to see H and ow out shopping a few days ago. This woman is a cop and very observant. She told me that the ow is sporting an engagement ring on her hand. She said it's very tiny, more like a promise ring, but there non the less.
I really didn't know what to say. As detached as I think I am, this cut like a knife. I managed to hold it together but it wasn't easy. Just another thing to deal with.
Ok, we decided as a family, to create new traditions, and one new tradition is that Christmas will evolve . . . .
We have had a minimalist Christmas in which we decided to focus on the needs of others, small Christmases, big ones with others. Each one takes further along our new path, unhampered by traditions which only serve to bring us pain at what we no longer have, instead focusing on what is new, and where we want to be.
My Christmas has been much more God centred, and spiritual since my husband left.
Each year I mind less, and now I do not really mind at all. The wonder of it all grows in my heart.
We cannot re-create what we had, and it is probably wiser not to try, imo.
Also it is 180 which we do for us.
Next year think about taking a road trip or doing something totally different. Skip Christmas lunch and go for a long hike . . . . We all need to get out of stuckville, where our focus is on the crazy person!
Seeking, First I want to apologize to you for your guest's insensitivity. She should not have brought up your h and ow at your party. The comment about the ring has now set you back a bit. Keep in mind, the ow may have purchased the ring herself. If your h had purchased it, I'm sure he would have gone all out with a larger diamond or jewel. So, please take what your guest said with a grain of salt.
As for the holidays, along about October, I would call a family meeting and discuss how the holidays should be handled for 2012. It's time to change up and make new and different traditions within your home. You should not be left with everything to do. I'm with Bea, time to think about doing something different to make your life easier and create new memories.
Again, I am very sorry that your party ended on the note it did. I would do everything in my power to not think about that conversation since you do not have all of the facts.
Hugs to you today....
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with snodderly and Bea. Live your life not your kid's life. If they are disappointed in the decorations, they will get over it, or not. That's up to them. Do what makes you happy and it sounds like doing all those things doesn't make you happy.
Your "friend" hurt you. You don't have to accept that. You get to set your boundaries. It's difficult, I know, I struggle with it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree that it's time to do something different. I have a year to figure out what I want that to look like. I will take what you both have said into careful consideration and combine that with my family's needs and wants. I think together we can come up with some new traditions that while different, will be fulfilling to everyone.
Snodderly, thank you for understanding my heart. When my guest told me about the ring she did say that it was tiny and looked like a desperate attempt at showing her claim on H.
You're also right that that type of ring isn't H's style. He's got excellent taste in jewelry and I would think that an engagement ring would be a bit more flashy than that.
I do wish my guest would not have brought the subject up at the party. I know she meant well. She has been hurt by H's rejection too. Not only cousins, but she and H were good friends, also. She doesn't understand the change in him...or how he could abandon the family that he once was so proud of and seem to mean the world to him.
H has left our life together behind. That includes friends and family. ow helps him do that by not giving H messages and even cards sent by anyone associated with his previous life. Many have just written H off.
You're right again in it has set me back a bit. I'm trying to bring myself out of a pity party while giving myself a little break remembering that H has only been gone a little over two years. Can't expect myself to be over it after a 28 year M that in many more ways than not, a very good M. At least from my perspective...
Oh, and it did enter my mind that H, while not wanting to give me what the state says is my allotment, but it's possible that he using the excuse that he can't afford to D me because "I" put him in so much debt so that he doesn't have to deal with the ow's pressure to marry her.
Please understand that I don't spend a lot of time on this stuff. This is a little different than most of the stuff I hear. I'm the type that tries and put the puzzle pieces in place so that I can understand and deal with it before putting it away.
I truly don't think my friend was out to hurt me intentionally. She and I think a lot of each other and I think she was just trying to prepare me so that I didn't hear it the first time from someone who has less than my best interest at heart.
I do understand the need to complete the puzzle before putting it away. It took me a while to figure the pieces out, but once I did, the puzzle was put away up on a top shelf of my heart's closet.
As for the ring, I would venture to say that she may have purchased it herself. There's not guarantee that it's even a diamond...could be her birthstone, etc. I wouldn't give it another thought.
Many of them drag their heels when it comes divorce. My xh took exactly 3 and 1/2 years to get it done. When he saw that I wasn't pushing for it any longer, he then he filed. In some isntances, it is about the pressure of remarrying, but in others, it is the last string that binds them to us. Some really do not know what they want, but hold on for dear life until they are forced to do so because of money, etc.
They all tend to severe ties with family and friends. Why? They want a new life and do not want to be judged by those who know him/her. Also, they are afraid that old friends/family will spill the beans on their past life and don't want to be reminded of what once was. I suspect your h doesn't stay in touch because of this.
So, Seeking, box up the information you received and place it on the top shelf of your heart's closet. You are a very good person who does not deserve this heartache now. Take time to day to smile, relax and know that your party was a success and it's behind you.
Try to enjoy your day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Seeking, I can relate to how you feel...you are not alone in this.
Your h is not the only one that is still crazy after all of these years...mine is still trying to live the life of a youngster and be all that he can be at the age of 59. I just sit back and laugh when something falls into my lap about him. No one knows him like I did and some day, it's gonna catch up w/him and he will crash and burn....will I be there w/a bucket of water? Nope....no longer my problem. He's still running from what ails him, just like your h and all of the mlcers that we are dealing w.
Seeking, the only advice I can offer up is to live your life to the fullest and know that you are a good person and a wonderful mother. You have so much to offer to the world and you will continue to grow by leaps and bounds.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
