H says ready to work on relationship, now what?

[Some Day]

Wow, angel61. Thank you so much for taking the time. This is such a lonely journey sometimes and I don't know what I would do if I did not have this board to vent and learn from others.

Unlike many of us here, you seem to be so well controlled. I think it helps that you have no children, as there are less factors to complicate or cause strong emotions.

Thank you for noticing. Yes, I have had to exercise more discipline and self-control through this than any other time in my life. That's not to say I haven't said a few things I regret, but I usually catch myself, and correct course as fast as I can. I honestly don't know how I do it. So many times I have wanted to get angry at him, or cry, or confront him, or whatever. But I always think about what I read in DR, which is 'is what I am about to do going to get me closer to my goal? If not, don't do/say it.'

If it is MLC then the timeline seems rather short, he may just be peeking. He did have some hard lessons though which could have helped him along, like the time he got demoted.

Yeah, I don't know if this is an MLC. He presents many of the classic symptoms. However, now I have leared that he may have reactive attachment disorder (RAD) which is actually a condition that develops in children under 5 years old. In adults, it is usually manifested as Borderline or Histrionic peresonality disorder. One thing I have noticed lately is that H demonstrates some narcissistic traits and seems to seek out attention. I never noticed it before, but perhaps it has always been there.

Things will not get better overnight. Feelings will not come back easily. Part of piecing is making the decision to re-commit, and to love again. Sometimes the decision is made in the head but it takes time to mean it. On your part, you will be battling with trying to trust again, forgiving, putting any images of OW in your mind.

This is so insightful. My mistake was thinking that once he said he wanted to recommit, the feelings would be there as well. However, based on what happened yesterday, I think you are right. Maybe in his mind he thinks he wants to reconcile, but his heart is not in it. IMO one of the biggest obstacles right now is OW. Although they are no longer together, they text each other pretty much on a daily basis (I know i shouldn't snoop, but again it's me wanting to know if I can actually trust him). As long as this contact continues, I dont' think there will be a chance for us. I never mention OW or the fact that I know they are still in contact.

Keep on doing what you are doing, and let your H lead the situation. No expectations as for now. Don't pressure him. He should be the one who wants to come back fully,not because you made him do so or held him to his word, to make the decision and the realizations and learn the lessons fully. Just be the kind of person he loved before, that he would want to come home to. You have been doing great so far.

Thank you for validating my efforts so far. I will continue doing what I am doing and basically pretend he never said what he said about reconciling. Just keep acting as I have been with no pressure or demands. He knows what he said to me and if he is in fact sincere, over time it will be reflected not just in his words, but in his actions.