Being thankful and praying

[angel61]

Just came back from another Retrouvaille post. I actually was the one who wanted to miss this one because I am so far behind our Christmas preparations. But H insisted we go!

The topic was intimacy and sex. We both agreed that we have a long way to go with developing real intimacy in our relationship. He also let me know that he is happy that we have restarted our sexual relationship, but that he was also anxious and worried that I might expect too much from him.

I have to remind myself to be patient.

H still cycles. The other evening, he again was acting withdrawn. I got irritated because he was not even answering my questions and acting like it was only him, D and the dog in the house. I finally told him Friday AM that I felt ignored. He got all defensive. I reminded him that I was just using our dialogue style to let him know how I feel. I also told him that we should start using the "stranger rule" (see MWD's piecing rules) in our household. He was not too convinced, saying things like "but do we really have to greet each other Good Morning, etc...? Sounds so artifical...... I let it go for now.

He did come round, as I knew he would, and called me several times at work. He also invited friends to come over in the evening (I think its his usual tactic when he feels a strain in our R) and of course, the preparation of food, fixing the house up, and the conversation between us and friends, along with some wine, restored the atmosphere at home.

After our friends left, I brought up the post session for the next day and told him it was OK for me if we didn't go, but he was quiet about it. In the morning he told me we were going. Good thing we found friends for D to stay in.

OK, talking about feelings:

I am very grateful and happy about where we are now. But my feelings ...... I almost feel like a third person, observing my own situation in a detached manner. The small hurts do feel magnified, the disappointments are acute, and I have to struggle to contain them. The happiness and love are blunted. Even my sexual drive is not as high as when we were not ML...and so I sometimes get a feeling of panic that he might think I am no longer interested in him, that he might see through me at those moments. I keep on working a getting those feelings back, but I know it will take time. As I know it will take time too for H.

I do want to emerge from this crisis a stronger person, more loving, more trusting,as Cyrena describes, and I know I will.

One day I will reread this and will see how hard we worked for something that is precious .....