I think what I am trying to do is give you hope. I am looking forward to Christmas and New Year. I have made and am evolving new traditions. I have received invitations to do good stuff [and initiated some] It isn't an effort any more.
We do get there, truly. It eventually stops being survival, and becomes living again, enhanced by what we have learned, and who we have become.
Beatrice, i brought what you said over to my thread to address.
This is our 3rd Christmas without H. It was H's favorite holiday and he went to great lengths to make it special for the kids and I. For him, that meant spending a lot of money.
H still spends a lot of money on everyone, but me, of course, and S24, who won't take a thing from him.
I struggle trying to make Christmas special now. For me, it was never about the money spent. I don't have the extra anyway. The kids get as much spent on them as they ever did, and probably even more, but there is a pall over the holiday. I struggle trying to maintain the Christmas spirit as the kids are resentful that it just 'isn't the same' anymore.
I end up stuck between a rock and a hard place. We've always gone all out with decorating. It used to be a family affair and now I find that I'm doing the majority of it. If I try cutting down on the amount we do the kids get upset, but their hearts aren't in making sure it gets done. It falls mainly to me.
So many of the decorations hold memories for me of H. They are things H and I would pick out together. Maybe leaving them tucked away would be the answer, but at this time I don't have the money to replace them and the house would be extremely bare without them.
Each year I host a Christmas party. It's mainly for our friends and each year it gets bigger as the kids invite co-workers too.
I spend a couple days cooking, which I enjoy, and admit I get an ego boost when I hear the compliments as the food disappears.
I had my Christmas party last night. One of the guests mentioned they happened to see H and ow out shopping a few days ago. This woman is a cop and very observant. She told me that the ow is sporting an engagement ring on her hand. She said it's very tiny, more like a promise ring, but there non the less.
I really didn't know what to say. As detached as I think I am, this cut like a knife. I managed to hold it together but it wasn't easy. Just another thing to deal with.
