wife had affair and now a divorce as well

[25yearsmlc]

deciding IF you can forgive the affair is one step.

You do not have to know right away, but some know they can't do it. May as well face that and move along...

but I also know many couples think they'd never get past it but they do.

Nor can you PRESENTLY, decide all the conditions you would need for reconciliation and forgiveness

b/c the spouse is not in a place to really "hear" you yet either.

But know this---here is what NOT TO Do...

take them back and hold it over their heads the rest of their lives AND OR

throw it in their face every time you feel insecure.

That is the worst possible course of action. And if the WAS believes that is what you would do

they won't even make an effort to come back, b/c they don't want that type of life...

so regardless of your feelings at this point IF you are open to working on it

you cannot make it seem impossible.

Keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth...for now at least.


Hang in there, things do get better and couples DO recover after an affair.

But the anger you feel cannot be shown right now...it will make it seem like she's going to have to climb Mt Everest

and being angry at her, may push her back into the arms of the OM...

it sure won't help your cause any. Don't let pride/ego and anger end the marriage.

If you really cannot ever get past this, let TIME reveal that to you. Don't let your anger or pride push her so far away that you later regret not figuring it out well.

Hope that makes sense

Sorry for your pain...it does get better, I promise.


PS--have you bravely looked inward to see what your own role in this was?

I mean you said the OM paid a lot of attention to her and you didn't...for how long were her needs unmet?

Are you different now? I mean would you be the same way to her if you two did reconcile?

It's crucial to realize the only way the marriage CAN survive is if YOU CHANGE


yep, YOU have to change...sure, we know that down the road she will have her own work to do

but you are the one wanting the marriage to work at the moment. You are posting here, not her.

She is undecided - so as unfair as it all seems to you now, it's reality. You love her and want it to work

so the work is on YOU for now...and all you control is YOU...so

what are you going to do differently now? Have you ordered and read the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy books yet?

I highly recommend you start with that...asap....read them so you know our approach here b/c we take a radically different approach to solving marriage problems here.


Unlike some, we don't focus on the past (scorecard) and we want you to focus on doing

what helps the marriage and NOT doing what hurts the marriage.

Simple, but radically different than most who ask and ask WHY? WHY? WHY?

All that matters (for now) is you own YOUR part, work on YOU and become the best man you can become...

be a man only a fool would leave...

things will be revealed in time.


((( )))