A Bklyn tale

[keep_going]

BM -

I am sorry you are struggling with your thoughts and the idea of not meeting a deadline. I am in general an impatient person and being in limbo and debating if I should keep hoping and simply giving up was hard.

I have been reading a lot of diff. sitchs here - specially the ones that have succeeded (as a source of inspiration and knowledge). One of the things I have noticed is just how long things can take. Most of the cases I have read, it takes YEARS... some even went thru divorces before reconciling. So I learned that as long as I was patient, anything is possible.

To answer the question of how long to wait, I would agree with 2thepoint. Is it worth for you to hang on? Only you can decide that, and your answer will determine how long you hang on. For me, my H and my family (my kids are also so young like yours) are totally worth me being patient and standing for my M. That is how I feel NOW. Will I feel different as time goes on and as I DB more and work on myself more?
It's hard, but some days I am starting to feel like things will be ok, no matter what. So maybe some day I won't even feel like waiting any more... I don't know that and I see no point on worrying about that now. All I can answer now is that TODAY, it's worth waiting for and therefore, I am hopeful today. Tomorrow, who knows...I guess I will find out tomorrow.
Hang in there and I also agree with everyone - concentrate on your GAL. The advantage you and I have is that we have little ones that need a lot of our time and attention and that should help keep us busy. But think about things to do that you like. And take advantage of friends and family offers to help babysit, if you have relatives nearby.
I don't have many where I live, so any chance I have, I take it!
Don't dispair! You deserve a better life and a great Xmas holiday, so make it happen.
(((hugs)))

[BklynMom]

Thanks guys for all the support. I am feeling much better this week. I think I was just overwhelmed with the change of my H coming back to town. In some ways it it easier to just be a single mom & not share my girls.

Coyote thks for breaking down your earlier post I am ready to get to work on myself. I bought Co-Dependent no more and going to use that book as my guide. I will work on writing in a journal although I hate it but you are right I cant afford not to. Thanks for the reminder to eat well, I do try to eat nutriously but its easy to slip up.

My H and I have spoken a couple of times recently when he calls to talk to the girls. I am always happy and positive. He is still distant and weird. He has a hard time engaging with the girls via the phone but also doesnt ask to video chat which is always easier for the kids.

I am thinking of asking him if he wants to come over Christmas morning. D3 said that she wanted Mommy, Daddy & the girls together for Christmas. I think my H would be happy to come over and he may think that it was nice of me to invite him since I know we are divorcing. Any thoughts on that would be appreciated. I will definitely talk to a DB coach before I decide.

[purgatory]

I'm new to the DB site... but I've been reading everyone's posts and your's struck a note with me. you posted this back in october:

"I was a fool. My H constantly wanted to hug me or kiss me & I would often push him away "Cant you see I am busy making dinner!! I dont have time for fun!" I did not accept his love. I am a fool! I thought we made love enough 3-4/mth but it was not enough for him, he wanted more and I rejected him on that level as well. Such a fool!"

That's exactly how I was. I have also struggled with anger and control issues. It was a relief to find that there was another woman out there that was dealing with these to- I've often thought that something was wrong with me. I've been in IC for the majority of the year, and I've made huge leaps and bounds to discovering where and why.... and how not to do it anymore. But my H doesn't want to see it, I feel like the damage is already done.

I feel silly making a comment on your thread so late in the game, but I was so happy to know that I could relate to another woman with similar issues I have done my first post (but it's really long) if you want to see my story and see if you have any suggestions/advice.

[Coyote]

Not a problem BklynMom,

good to see you're feeling better. Just a heads up, when the downer moments come back, expect them. That's normal.

Yes, somethings will come up that reminds you of this and that, ie, songs on the radio/driving by a favourite spot for you and H/momentos are big culprits on this...whatever. Watch for this. When it happens, roll with it as best as you can at the moment. Vent here. Write it down. Talk about it with a trusted friend, a C, or a DB coach. Don't vent it at H though, be vigilant on this. Diplomacy is the word here. (Notice how I said, somethings 'will' come up instead of 'may' come up? Expect it. Again, it's normal. Over time you may even become bored with it.)

I'll take a look your questions further but for now I have to pack it in. (Actually, it's one of my changes from a while back when I zeroed in on that I need to space things out sometimes. Go figure.)

Coyote

[sayitaintso]

Hey BK- Glad you are having a better week. I'm curious to see what others think about you inviting H for xmas morning as I'm in a similar boat w/ my waw. I think it is fine for you to invite him as long as you won't be affected to much if he says no. If he comes, great, if not, his loss. I believe that was in 1 of the 37 rules but I could be mistaken.

And what do you mean when you say "I think my H would be happy to come over and he may think that it was nice of me to invite him since I know we are divorcing".

Are you projecting that you think he thinks you have accepted D? Invite him because you want to invite him for you and your girls, not to please him or prove anything to him, that is pursuing I believe.

Best!!

[BklynMom]

Still having a good week, its great to be super busy. I was able to help a friend of mine reconcile with her brother, she was so grateful for my help that it made me feel good inside. Funny, I used techniques from DB to help her with her sitch. The first thing I told her was slow down, dont answer his barbed email right away. Then I told her even if you dont agree with his whole position start your email with something you guys do agree on. They finally hugged last night. I guess this sitch showed me that my new way of conducting my life does work.

On to my story, I emailed my H today a calender of the next 2 weeks so he would know what events we have going on. I started the email with this "Just thought I would write out a little calender for the next week or two, so you knew what our general schedule looked like. Since your schedule is free, the girls should spend as much time with you as possible. so we can certainly cancel any activity including school (except dr appt). I also indicated when I usually have a babysitter either my mom or Lilly come, let me know if you are around to cover on those days. I know you are super busy at work so just get back to me whenever you can" I signed it "With Love"

Havent heard back but not really expecting anything today. I thought my email was pleasant, thou we dont email much I felt we needed to have a conversation about the logistics of the holidays. He has told me several times he wants us to have good communication (as he rips apart our family).

SIAS - And what do you mean when you say "I think my H would be happy to come over and he may think that it was nice of me to invite him since I know we are divorcing".

My H has announced to me on two occasions (Once in Sept & once in early Oct) that we are getting a D. I responded that I understand that he is moving forward with a D.

I believe he needs me to believe he is serious that we are getting D. That I need to hear him. Now that I accept the D I think it has opened the door every so slightly for him to say things to me like "I'm sorry" or "Nice pants".

I would invite him Christmas morning for the girls, I tend to think not inviting him would be better for me & DBing but I want my girls to get their Christmas wish.

Thanks everyone

[BklynMom]

I dont know how to write this email without being a total jerk. My H called me tonight at 9p when the girls were in bed. He thanked me for my email (as I discussed above) then told me he called because our SIL (his brothers wife) last CT scan was not good. She has been fighting lymphoma since Jan. of this year. The latest round of chemo did not shrink her tumors. The tumors did not grow but they are not shrinking. She has 3 kids under 8. Retelling her story here makes me realize I am blessed. Kind of happy my H reached out but crying because I am so sad about my SIL sitch.
Let me not take my good health & my kids good health for granted.

[Coyote]

'I signed it "With Love"'

I would hold off on the ILY's for quite a while. Not until you are hearing them from H. H has to set the pace on this. Almost like clockwork, these will remind a WAS of their inability to return the ILY's. It can spook them and drive them back into their tunnel.

Skate around that, instead, 'wishing you well.' or 'hope you have a good day.' or 'talk to you soon.' or 'Merry Christmas.'

(At that, if H does finally pop the ILY don't get 'too' excited or clingy in front of H. Do that here mostly. Instead, show your appreciation. Even return the ILY calmly. Indicate that you'd be happy to work on rebuilding the friendship and spend time with H. With this type of thing, you'd need to give it some extra time to be certain it's not just something off the cuff. That it's the real thing.)

"I would invite him Christmas morning for the girls, I tend to think not inviting him would be better for me & DBing but I want my girls to get their Christmas wish."

If you think you can do it and stay reasonably on the level, certainly. Give you a chance to show more of your new side. Just remember to keep the conversation light. No R or D talk unless H brings it up. At that, don't go any deeper than H. Especially don't try to reason with H, his actions, or anything to do with 'ripping the family apart.' Again, keep the conversation light and friendly.

"I believe he needs me to believe he is serious that we are getting D."

As for the D thing if H brings it up, reminding you of his decision, try something like, "'If this is what you really want then I won't hold you back. You can be a great person. I enjoy spending my time with you, especially when we are appreciative of each other. But if this is what you feel then that's ok. Again, I don't mean to hold you back.' Leave it at that.

I know you'll be cringing inside but a good part of him will be expecting an argument. Crying and pleading to come back. That you're 'ripping apart the family.' That will just feed the negative energy of this and actually make it worse. I've seen this happen...lots. Vent elsewhere.

"I guess this sitch showed me that my new way of conducting my life does work...Now that I accept the D I think it has opened the door every so slightly for him to say things to me like "I'm sorry" or "Nice pants". "

Good work! Sounds like you're on the right track, wouldn't you agree? Again, remember, this is going to take quite a while. Don't let up.

[BklynMom]

Thanks again Coyote and SIAS for your input. Coyote the only reason I signed "With Love" is because I had signed a previous email "love" (as per my DB coach) and my H responded positively to that email. If I had wrote that in Sept, he would have flipped out but I think because I act as if a D is inevitable he is okay with me using the word love as friends.

Okay so today was a crazy day. Wow! So my H has been working out of town for a few months now and I knew the job was ending this weekend and he would back (but staying at his apt) at some point either tomorrow or Monday.

But he texted me today at 3 saying could he come over this evening. OMG!! I was so not ready for that. The house was a wreck, dishes piled up, me wearing ratty old clothes, the kids half naked at this point in a lazy Saturday.

I took a deep breathe. Cause my first reaction was being so excited for him to come "home" I wanted to text him back come over right now!! but I took another deep breathe and waited a half hour or so (while I franticly started cleaning up). I finally texted him "come over this evening - text when you are on your way".

He wrote back "still in a cab on the way from airport but will text before I head over" I took this as a great sign that he was figuring out how to come over while he was still at the airport. Also he wanted to come over and hang out versus just pick up the girls as he has done on occasion. I was so excited.

He came over at 5. The house was tidy, the girls looked adorable and I was casual but pretty. Just after he got here I went to the grocery store for 15/20 minutes to establish that I knew he wasnt coming to see me. We then made dinner, hung out, played with the kids, laughed, he told me all about his job and talk about movies he has seen, he talked & talked & seemed comfortable not zombie like. It was awesome.

What was crazy was (and I dont know how to say this tastefully) that I was so turned on by him. I did not make any moves but I wanted to!! I cant help but wonder if he felt any chemistry with me or if I was imagining it.

I asked at an appropriate time if he would like to come over Christmas morning and he said "oh is it okay if I do that??", I said you can think about it if you want. He then said "yes". I think his initial reservation was that he is afraid I might get the wrong idea.

I cant even tell you how much fun we had with the girls and just talking and catching up. He asked me about my sobriety and I said that I was still not drinking. He said he went out last night and barely drank but had 5 drinks (and he does not drink beer) in about 3 hours which he said is nothing for him. So his drinking a still a big problem.

He will be around the next few days and then is going to Miami from Wed to Christmas Eve. He said he needs a vacation he has been working so much and just needs a few days with his phone off. I told him that was a great idea, he has been working so hard to support our family. (Listening, Affirming)

We touched several times just causally or by accident and he did not recoil! as he did over the summer. Big positive

Okay the bad stuff. He told me he needed to get to get a kid bed for our D3 for his place. I just smiled and nodded. I guess he just wants me to know that this bond I feel and these fun times dont change anything. Later he asked to grab a coat from his closet, when he opened the closet he realized how much of his stuff is still here and commented that it was unfair for me to have to live with all his stuff still here. I just smiled and nodded.

I reacted so well to those reminders of our inevitable D, I acted so chill and I just enjoyed the rest of the good times this evening. But I so bummed inside that he still wants to move forward in this direction. Its just so hard to believe looking at our beautiful girls and knowing my changes that this is what he wants. I love him, and I miss him so.

I was so true to DB today, I did awesome. Thanks to everyone on this board and my coaches I couldnt have been so cool, calm and collected with you:)

[NLW]

Hi BM,

You really did awesomely! I'm inspired by your post.

I need to hear this sort of thing.
I still struggle with emotionally hurtful matters like making plans for the kids to stay with H in his new digs, and him moving more and more of his belongings out.

But your superhuman efforts have shown me the way to DB properly.

Cool, calm and collected (at least on the outside) or, as my coffee mug says: Keep calm and carry on.

Well done you,
NLW