Wife Left (Part 2)

[25yearsmlc]

This morning I was waiting for W to get to house so I could go to work. As it got close to time I had to leave I gave her a call to see where she was. I must have just woken her up as she fumbled the phone and hung up. She called me back, said she was on her way, her alarm didn't go off, and would be here in 15-20 minutes. I said (a little anger in my voice) I am going to be late! Hurry! End of conversation.


I understand your anger. I do. But she does too. And she made a mistake and in all likelihood felt embarrassed.

Like you are the LAST person she wants to err in front of...

so that means this is a chance for YOU to show her the new you...


As she was pulling up to house I hopped in my SUV and sped off for work. So no talk at all today. I was a bit upset as I waited, but once the day got going I pretty much forgot about it. The old me would probably give her the silent treatment for a day or 2, but the new me doesn't let something like this bother me. When I see her tomorrow, I won't bring it up,


how is this different than before? I'm asking...b/c if you were rude to her when she came, then that's not new.

Also, the fact that you pretty much forgot about it means nothing to her since she is not aware of that, right? So my question remains, how is this different?


and if she does, I will tell her straight up, no worries, it happens.


Let's hope she brings it up then b/c it sounds like you won't...so I don't know how she'll see the change. Can you explain?

OR is it that it's a change you are making just for you and she doesn't have to know? I get that, but am slightly confused as to who will see or know this...


I am really feeling good about myself these days, and even with the ob and my situation I am defiantly not feeling like someone who might have depression. My new way of thinking and exercise is really helping me.


excellent...keep it up!


Tonight I am going out to eat and a minor league hockey game with a friend. Going to be first "real" time out since I quit drinking. Should be a fun night, I will prove to myself I don't need booze to have fun. Tomorrow I have church, going to try out a Methodist Church here in town this time.

Good--- but just so you know = it may not happen all at once. Most of my friends in recovery said it took them awhile to make their own endorphins again, and that they didn't laugh hard or as often as before, for a few weeks.

But now nothing in numbed for them and they are fully living and feeling alive.

[adinva]

Hi CO - it struck me as odd that you went from giving two days of silent treatment (old you) to completely nothing but an angry tone of voice for one moment (new you) and forgetting about it.

The old you with the silent treatment - well, hopefully you understand that's a really immature and destructive way to communicate your feelings.

Don't let the new you try to act like you don't have negative feelings. Did you really come around to believing it was OK for her to be late that day? Because that doesn't mesh with your storming away as she pulled up, so maybe you should apologize for that and tell her you were stressed about being late for work. Or do you think your anger was appropriate when she was late (for example, if it's a pattern or if it's completely unacceptable at work for you to be late), then instead of sweeping it under the rug you should go back to it, not in an angry or punitive tone, but let her know that you felt really stressed when she was late, and ask her if she can make absolutely sure to be on time.

BTW, what happens if she's really-really late, or has an accident on the way? Do you have a backup plan, a sitter, or a neighbor who can help you out? You might brainstorm with your W so that you have a solution you can go to if she is late again.

Those are healthy responses to the anger you felt that day.

[CO1978]

ok to clear the air, I am totally fine with her being late today. I admit I got a bit upset, but really I was over it once I was at work. I only sped off like a bat out of hell because my job requires me to be there or someone else to be there in my place. I didn't want someone to be mandated to stay because of me being late. I know the old me was very childish with stonewalling W when I was angry, and even more immature how I held a grudge. It is one of the reasons she left me. W called twice while I was out tonight. First time I resisted urge to answer phone and let it go to message. 2nd time I was at hockey game and didn't even know she had called because of no reception. I listened to first message and had every intent on calling her back after the game. She apologized many times during call, and asked if 8 am was a good time to drop son off. 2nd call she seemed a bit frustrated that she didn't get a hold of me and explained I should call her back no matter what time it was to make arrangements for her to drop S off in morning. I called her and told her I was on way home from game, and she now understood why I hadn't gotten back sooner. She asked if 8 am was good to drop S off and I said yes it was fine. I told her I would see her in the morning. She then apologized again for being late. I told her it was no big deal, and I knew she didn't do it on purpose. I told her stuff like that happens and its no reason for me to get upset. She then said she thought I might have been angry the way I sped off, I told her no, I was just in a hurry. She apologized a few more times, I said don't worry about it. I told her I'd see her in the morning we both said good night. BTW hockey game was a good time tonight. My friend admitted that I wasn't as rowdy as I would have been if I were drinking, but he said I was still my talkative (with out the swear words) outgoing self. Oh and 25 thanks for the advice on the money thing too. I think I'll stick with helping support her financially right now (she is my wife). Now hopefully tomorrow she apologizes one last time in person, so I can look her in the eye thank her for the apology and tell her that its ok, and that accidents happen, so SHE can see my changes. I think this could be a huge plus for me

[sunshine76]

Hey CO1978, I think that you should definetely give yourself a pat on the back. Your initial reaction may not have been a total 180 (maybe more like a 160), but it sounds like you regained your composure, let go of the anger and did not repeat the mistakes that you had made in the past i.e. ignoring her.

Congratulations on not drinking at the hockey game as well!

Keep up the good work.

[kolja]

It sure sounds like what could have been a contentious and potentially ugly situation may turn out to be a positive encounter for the two of you!!

[CO1978]

W dropped S off this morning, she brought me a TV to replace one she took. It wasn't a 48 inch flat screen like she took, and it was probably 20 years old, but I thanked her and told her she didn't have to bring it. She set it up and said she felt bad not leaving me a TV in the bedroom, and said she would look at other one her parents have to see if its better that this one. I asked her how she was feeling (she's been sick), she said much better, I told her she looked much better. I asked her if the pants I was wearing looked like they fit alright (first time being able to fit in them in YEARS). She said yes, and complimented my butt (haha I knew she wouldn't be able to resist!). I thanked her. She told me I really lost a lot of weight, I told her I've been exercising. I then told her I was going to the Methodist church today, she asked why I wasn't going to my catholic church. I told her I was still upset at them for not baptizing our S because we hadn't paid our dues and I was done with them and was going to try out all the churches in town. We chatted a little more about our S, then she said she was running late for work and I walked her to the door, she said have fun, I told her have I nice day and that was that. Our conversations are really good, I just hope she is reconnecting with me. Its still so hard to not want to reach out and pull her in for a kiss. I don't know what's harder voluntary sobriety or involuntary abstinence. I know its way too soon, I've only been DBing for a month and a half, but everyday I look at her I feel like a teenager in love and just can't wait to talk to her and see her smile again. Thanks again everyone for all your support, comments and suggestions. I'll check in later on everyone have a great day all!

[Crimson]

CO-

Your positive updates give me hope, man. Like I said before you have been at this a bit longer than I have but it would appear to a casual observer that maybe your wife is beginning the thawing process to some degree.

You seem somewhat skeptical and hell, I would be too. Who wants to get their hopes up just to get your head caved in again? Notwithstanding, seems like you are going by the book and taking things nice and easy. Keep that up and fight the urge to over share or over "affection". The vets say that the time for that will make itself obvious.

I wish you luck! And, selfishly, I wish the same luck for myself!

Crimson

PS....the involuntary abstinence is harder. Waaaaay the eff harder.

[Rick1963]

Butt compliments are always good. My W isn't verbal sometimes I think a M a mute. Keep up the good work but try not to give too many details keep it mysterious and let her wonder. It is a game.

[25yearsmlc]

W dropped S off this morning, she brought me a TV to replace one she took. It wasn't a 48 inch flat screen like she took, and it was probably 20 years old, but I thanked her and told her she didn't have to bring it. She set it up and said she felt bad not leaving me a TV in the bedroom, and said she would look at other one her parents have to see if its better that this one. I asked her how she was feeling (she's been sick), she said much better, I told her she looked much better. I asked her if the pants I was wearing looked like they fit alright (first time being able to fit in them in YEARS). She said yes, and complimented my butt (haha I knew she wouldn't be able to resist!). I thanked her. She told me I really lost a lot of weight, I told her I've been exercising. I then told her I was going to the Methodist church today, she asked why I wasn't going to my catholic church. I told her I was still upset at them for not baptizing our S because we hadn't paid our dues and I was done with them and was going to try out all the churches in town.


HAD TO REACT HERE...WTH?!! I'M Catholic and would be shocked to find that situation. Did a priest tell you that?

I've never paid a thing to baptize our kids and didnt' attend either church often enough to be considered a "member," but still, we wanted the kids baptized anyhow...I'm just flabbergasted.

That's the worst Public Relations and stupidest thing I've heard in a long time. It's NOT a "policy" of the Church, I hope you know...but that parish priest, IF that is who denied you the baptism, is a spiteful fool.

Don't throw out the baby with the bath water please. Find another parish. I have NEVER heard of this before...anywhere...just stunned at that idiocy...

I can see why you got frustrated. SIGH...



We chatted a little more about our S, then she said she was running late for work and I walked her to the door, she said have fun, I told her have I nice day and that was that. Our conversations are really good, I just hope she is reconnecting with me.

it's okay to be grateful but don't attach expectations so much!!! There is a difference.

Its still so hard to not want to reach out and pull her in for a kiss. I don't know what's harder voluntary sobriety or involuntary abstinence.

interesting analogy. Stay the course b/c you are getting small positives. Don't blow it with expectations...

I know its way too soon, I've only been DBing for a month and a half,

LET HER COME TO YOU b/c it is way too soon for you to make a move. You will know when she's ready b/c she will make a move. Stay the course.


but everyday I look at her I feel like a teenager in love and just can't wait to talk to her and see her smile again. Thanks again everyone for all your support, comments and suggestions. I'll check in later on everyone have a great day all!

Keep on keeping on-there is progress. IT's not linear so there will be detours and setbacks. But stay the course as long as the general direction is good, and it is.

[CO1978]

25 thanks for stopping by. You are so helpful. I'm not sure exactly if it was just the priest or what. That is what he (the priest) told us. I know its not the Church's policy, I've never seen anything like this before. I live in a small town and the diocese made a lot of cut backs in the small towns compared to the big towns, so really that is the only catholic church in the area, the next closest is 25-30 minutes away. I was just so angry at that, being raised catholic, married in that church and then turned away because they didn't get enough of my money and I didn't get to church as much as they wanted. It was different today going to the Methodist church service, but it felt good. The important thing right now is to be back worshiping regardless of what denomination service it is. It was sad that losing faith in the Church almost made me lose faith in God, and that is another reason for not wanting anything to do with the Catholics anymore.
I will not (at least try my best not to) get my hopes up or my expectations high from the small positives. I understand it is very fragile right now and any stupid move on my part could shatter everything I did so far. I finally get the feeling of walking on eggshells (albeit not to the extreme that she felt but nonetheless). 25, Sunshine, Rick1963, Crimson and everyone else, Thanks for the motivation!