A Bklyn tale

[BklynMom]

Thanks again Coyote and SIAS for your input. Coyote the only reason I signed "With Love" is because I had signed a previous email "love" (as per my DB coach) and my H responded positively to that email. If I had wrote that in Sept, he would have flipped out but I think because I act as if a D is inevitable he is okay with me using the word love as friends.

Okay so today was a crazy day. Wow! So my H has been working out of town for a few months now and I knew the job was ending this weekend and he would back (but staying at his apt) at some point either tomorrow or Monday.

But he texted me today at 3 saying could he come over this evening. OMG!! I was so not ready for that. The house was a wreck, dishes piled up, me wearing ratty old clothes, the kids half naked at this point in a lazy Saturday.

I took a deep breathe. Cause my first reaction was being so excited for him to come "home" I wanted to text him back come over right now!! but I took another deep breathe and waited a half hour or so (while I franticly started cleaning up). I finally texted him "come over this evening - text when you are on your way".

He wrote back "still in a cab on the way from airport but will text before I head over" I took this as a great sign that he was figuring out how to come over while he was still at the airport. Also he wanted to come over and hang out versus just pick up the girls as he has done on occasion. I was so excited.

He came over at 5. The house was tidy, the girls looked adorable and I was casual but pretty. Just after he got here I went to the grocery store for 15/20 minutes to establish that I knew he wasnt coming to see me. We then made dinner, hung out, played with the kids, laughed, he told me all about his job and talk about movies he has seen, he talked & talked & seemed comfortable not zombie like. It was awesome.

What was crazy was (and I dont know how to say this tastefully) that I was so turned on by him. I did not make any moves but I wanted to!! I cant help but wonder if he felt any chemistry with me or if I was imagining it.

I asked at an appropriate time if he would like to come over Christmas morning and he said "oh is it okay if I do that??", I said you can think about it if you want. He then said "yes". I think his initial reservation was that he is afraid I might get the wrong idea.

I cant even tell you how much fun we had with the girls and just talking and catching up. He asked me about my sobriety and I said that I was still not drinking. He said he went out last night and barely drank but had 5 drinks (and he does not drink beer) in about 3 hours which he said is nothing for him. So his drinking a still a big problem.

He will be around the next few days and then is going to Miami from Wed to Christmas Eve. He said he needs a vacation he has been working so much and just needs a few days with his phone off. I told him that was a great idea, he has been working so hard to support our family. (Listening, Affirming)

We touched several times just causally or by accident and he did not recoil! as he did over the summer. Big positive

Okay the bad stuff. He told me he needed to get to get a kid bed for our D3 for his place. I just smiled and nodded. I guess he just wants me to know that this bond I feel and these fun times dont change anything. Later he asked to grab a coat from his closet, when he opened the closet he realized how much of his stuff is still here and commented that it was unfair for me to have to live with all his stuff still here. I just smiled and nodded.

I reacted so well to those reminders of our inevitable D, I acted so chill and I just enjoyed the rest of the good times this evening. But I so bummed inside that he still wants to move forward in this direction. Its just so hard to believe looking at our beautiful girls and knowing my changes that this is what he wants. I love him, and I miss him so.

I was so true to DB today, I did awesome. Thanks to everyone on this board and my coaches I couldnt have been so cool, calm and collected with you:)