Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

Finally found a good IC! Book author, had a segment on TV, marriage specialist, very smart (but pricey, yikes!)

In my first session I felt he nailed what's going on with W -- he said that W does not feel safe in the relationship. "Safe" is a loaded word, but in this context he meant that she feels scrutinized and judged. He said I shouldn't think that's because I've been judgemental, that's what she's bringing to the table.

He said to think of it like being at work and your boss tells you you need to learn something new to continue to do your job. You start working on learning whatever it is, and before you get there, you realize you have to learn something else to understand the first thing, then you start learning that and discover there's something else. Before long you panic and just shut down. You feel you can just never quite get there. He said that W will go there very quickly.

He said that she doesn't step up and give me words of affirmation, etc., because she has convinced herself that whatever she gives me will never be good enough, and that if she does satisfy some need, there will always be another to take it's place and it will never end.

He said that she needs to get to a place where she feels safe -- that nothing is going to come up that's going to make her feel badly about herself.

He said that right now, any request I make fires an inadequacy trigger. Just asking for anything causes her to fear that it will be something she can't do, won't want to do, or won't be able to do it well enough to satisfy me, and consequently she'll be rejected.

He said I probably feel like I'm in a restaurant but can't order anything off the menu because the waiter will have a breakdown over the fact that he hasn't already brought it.

He said that I need to work toward a scenario where my wife is in the grocery store and asks me if I want anything. I say I want cake. She says she doesn't feel like making a cake, so I suggest she buy one. The point is, she can't go wrong -- she's in a grocery store looking for dessert so there's no way to lose.

He also said that she doesn't feel I accept her as she is. He told me I need to do that, to look at her as a package, celebrate the good and reconcile myself to the bad. Seeking to continue to improve the elements I don't like will only be destructive.

He said the only time it's appropriate to ask the other person to change in this scenario is if some shortcoming is "mission critical" to me, meaning that I can't stay in the marriage if things continue as they are.

========================

Lots of food for thought. A refreshing break from my prior IC's who tended to tell me everything that was wrong with W but didn't really challenge ME with what to do to make things better.

None of them nailed the "lack of safety" dynamic.

I discussed some of this with W and she agreed with it. She says that she feels like I walk around rating everything -- that bike ride was an 8, that trip to the beach was a 4, so she feels that anything she does is going to be rated.

Here's the thing -- I don't see how I do that! I DO however frequently talk about my reactions to things, what made me happy, what upset me, etc. I mean, what else is there to talk about?

I would imagine that if I was 100% positive about everything, it would give her the comfort she's looking for, but that's not me. I'm generally upbeat, but things DO bother me. Even if I don't mention it, she can tell when I'm not happy. How can I shift my personality to be happy all the time and never let anything get to me?

I need help here -- what do I do with this feedback?

I *really* want to be the best husband I can be for my W, but I don't see "the plan" in terms of how to approach this.

The really good news is that W agreed to go see him with me next time. That is *huge* because up to now W has completely refused to do MC.

Accuray