What do I do next? Part 3

[Accuray]

If W came to dinner with me wearing something that OM had given her, I would lose my s***. You have every right to be angry about that, and good for you for not saying anything! You're making progress Luvhurts. I bet 3 weeks ago you wouldn't have imagined that she would be inviting you to dinner. Look at it that way.

Your "mission" right now is to turn the other cheek and be the better man, which it seems you've been doing. Make it safe to be nice to you. Be stoic, be the rock. Continue to be a great dad. You're doing a GREAT job not badmouthing your W with the kids. They need you to be that positive force for them right now.

When W said "this doesn't mean we're getting back together" she probably said it as much for herself as for S. I'm sure she's having doubts as difficult as it is to see.

Look at it from her perspective, she's left a wake of scorched earth and burning buildings. From where she's sitting, the easy path forward is to pretend what she did was righteous so she doesn't have to look at that wake and wade back through it. Easier to close the door than clean up after yourself.

BUT she can't quite close the door -- you've got kids together, you've got years of shared memories. Although she might have been very mad at you and frustrated with you, deep down she knows you know her better than anyone. It's hard for her to believe that she can be forgiven, that she's worthy of being forgiven. She fears that coming back comes with a boatload of guilt and reprisals.

That's what we're talking about when we say "pave the road back". Act as if the mess is already cleaned up. Act as if you've moved on, found some peace, and bear her no ill-will. Act as if that scorched earth has been replanted and the buildings have been rebuilt. This will allow her to see a road back that doesn't look horribly painful.

The brutal thing is that you have to build that path for her by yourself, with no guarantee of success, and no gratitude whatsoever. The best you can hope for is to have that effort taken for granted and at least get to a new starting line with her.

When you do get to that starting line, the more self respect, self assurance, and personal happiness you've been able to build, the easier the path forward for both of you.

Luvhurts, how are you doing on forgiveness? For most people it's a 2 steps forward 1 step back process. If you can find forgiveness in your heart, it will take a load off and make everything easier.

I'm rooting for you, I think you're starting to see some positive signs -- keep it going! Be the man she would WANT to be with.

Accuray