Doing the "Friends" Route Pt 2...

[Abbey]

The sad part is, this was after I explicitly told him, she's crazy and that I fear for the safety of this home, including my critters. He said to her: She isn't interested in talking to you, she does not want you at this house, she is not the least bit interested in having this craziness brought here.

Her: Well I want talk to her.

Me: YOU slept with her. I DID NOT. She is NOT to come here, or I will not be responsible for what I do. End of story.

Off he went to go kiss and make up and listen to more of her screwed up stupidity. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

I will speak to my bro/sis in law this weekend and see if we can make arrangements to buy a property together. I need out of here. This is stupidity.

Abbey

[kml]

Abbey - why do you need to buy a property? I would suggest that buying a property when you are in the middle of a divorce and major life upheaval is a dicey thing - you don't know for sure where you will end up. Why not just rent for a while? Better yet, why not force H to move out and pay expenses until a divorce? Please tell me you've at least spoken to an attorney about your options

[Abbey]

KML, I deal with houses and mortgages for a living. Upheaval for me isn't something I have to worry about. Buying a house for me is about as easy as changing my socks, the neighborhoods I like are well established in my price range/area of desire I will not rent unless it's an interim because I decide to have a new townhome built... or have to give a seller a longer closing.

Yep... cuz of my biz too... lawyers are a dime a dozen and are speed dial.

BTW, ... H took a big leap today (I expect a slide) but he's screaming lawyer. Now he's gathering evidence. Took pics of daughter not being properly in car seat etc etc.

more later
Abs

[Abbey]

Oh another thing... stupid cow already pulled the I"m preggo crap, H told me today. H: I've been snipped, so who's is it? OW 3 weeks later: I must have lost the pregnancy. YEAH RIGHT.

Abs

[Abbey]

I will say this about buying a house too, the reason I won't/can't leave this one, is because I want to protect my equity in this place. H is still susceptible to the parasite, and the only way I can protect that asset is to stay here until he buys me out or we sell. Getting the cash out of here gives me a good way to have a small mortgage.

Because of the way our previous sep agreement was structured, it's in my best interest to stay here (and keep him paying as much here as possible.) I even told him with the newest developments, ... that if he has to play nice, and he has to go over to OW's to see his child until the lawyer thing... DO so. Less I have to deal with her drama the better. His hatred of her H is going to make that mess even more volatile... won't be my fault

Abbey

[Starsky309]

Yep... cuz of my biz too... lawyers are a dime a dozen and are speed dial.

Abbey,

You didn't exactly answer the question. HAVE you talked to a family law attorney about your SPECIFIC situation?

You seem to be very dismissive of everyone's advice, with a lot of "I have this under control," but nearly every one of your posts details how much things are OUT of control, IMHO.


Starsky

[Abbey]

Yes Starsky, I have. I have a lawyer who does family law for if things are amicable (he did our first sep agreement) and we've discussed getting H's name off of some bonds that his name was NEVER supposed to be on, which is in the process with H's signature. I also have been in contact with one of the biggest sharks in the city who did my ex-sis in law's divorce, should I need to. Nasty woman she is... the shark, I mean.

Without giving away all the details of what I do for a living, (because frankly as other's have stated here, they have been "found out" or someone recognized their story)... I won't say specifically what I do. But the legal end IS covered. As would buying a house in a stressful sitch, as would getting a mortgage, as is also protecting my assets and equity in the matrimonial home. There is another legal issue that has to do with a land dispute with the township... that being cleared up before we sell... ALSO has to be in place to protect my equity. Another lawyer we're jointly paying for at the moment. I have no desire to simply move out and cut my own nose off to spite my face financially unless I have to. That isn't good advice to tell anyone. I've dealt with divorcing couples in my job. I've seen what happens to people's equity when it's not protected. SHOULD, and I do say SHOULD I have to change course, I will approach a set of family members to help with a higher mortgage until I can get my equity securely out of here.

IS the sitch completely out of control? On any given day,... potentially yes... then no... then sometimes, then sometimes not. Legal advice isn't the issue here. I use this place to rant and to express just how wacked out H is. I don't post all the things that happen throughout the day, hell, I'd never get anything else done.

My money sitch, I'm protecting by staying here. And make no mistake about it... I can launch a battle royale, if pushed past the point I know I will not go. She comes into my house now for example... I will have her arrested, have a R issued against her,... and will get an injunction to have H removed from home and forced to pay maintenance forthwith. (All which I am entitled to, all I have to do is flip that switch.) BTW, in our legal jurisdiction, I do not have to file/ask for alimony immediately, I could actually wait,... I won't get penalized by the courts. (Remember not everyone is in the USA and the laws are different in other places.)

What has became QUITE apparent over the last few days is that I've made inroads with H. Things he told me yesterday are very much in keeping with the progress he had to make regarding her. (as was also the case last time. It's like ground hog day... predicting stuff). He is susceptible to her, and in his own words, recognizes it, but knows the legal battle is the only way he'll get his daughter. He has to make it clear in his own head that you may love someone, but that they are toxic and poison to you and you should have nothing to do with each other, I'm getting there. (His words)

As such: There have been discussions about getting info to go after custody, discussions about us buying his daughter a bed for this house, or the supplementary house we will move into (he said) should this sell quickly. Discussions about me talking pictures of he and daughter together as PROOF so that OW can't say she doesn't trust him alone with daughter, etc etc etc. I'm also quite aware that this will/probably get worse, before it gets better. She has the capacity to sweet talk him. But something here IS different than the last time. His daughter, and already he's begun to criticize just how bad of a parent she actually is. He's going into protection mode. Putting that "out there" for him to chew on - about protecting his daughter is something I've been stressing every time we talk. He's hearing me.

All that said: Would I leave here with 10 minutes notice if he handed me a wad of cash to buy my share out? Damn right I would. My undies would have to take the next ferry.

NOBODY wants out of here more than I do for a multitude of reasons. It all boils down to the same thing for me... I want out of here, .. .the sooner I"M GONE the sooner this craziness can hit it's breaking point... and I'll be as far away from it as I need to be. THAT is my goal. That is my objective.

If I felt for ONE moment that he just simply went off the deep end again, and NOTHING I was saying was getting through... then I'll pull the pin, get the shark to start the legal proceedings IMMEDIATELY. I am fully aware I still may have to do that. It's not there yet.

Abbey

[Abbey]

Off he went to go kiss and make up and listen to more of her screwed up stupidity. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

I'm going to answer my own post here - because I suspect that is part of what Starsky is commenting on. After H went to talk to OW,... there was no kiss and make up. H came back, more convinced than ever that she's as wacked out as other members of her family. Me, now, I don't criticize, I speak about daughters future and how instead of having a d who's potentially going to be preg at 15 like OW's other daughter... MY H wants his daughter to go to univerity, and be a lawyer, or doctor, or a judge or DO something with her life. Not be a teen aged mother,... LIKE her mother. (His words).

DB says: Do the things that work, don't do the things that don't. Concentrating on speaking about how positively HE can affect his daughters future and he needs to protect that at all costs (and even had the same thing told him by a member or OW's family)... IS working. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Hell, he even talked about us going on family vacations together with him and BOTH his girls...to a special spot he always wanted to take me (but we just never got round do doing.)

His head knows what he has to do. His heart (as many have seen here, and experienced here... can have a mind of it's own.) The heart wants what the heart wants... and he's got to come to terms with "letting go"... just as each and every one of us HERE at DB have had to struggle with letting go etc etc etc.

If I wasn't making at least SOME inroads... why is he asking me to help him make and keep a journal for his lawyer?

Abbey

[Abbey]

Journaling: Good Sat night. He's still in: "get a lawyer" mode. He's still in: "she's a terrible mother" mode. He's still in: "all she wanted from me is money" mode. He's still in: "all that woman does is lie!" mode.

I expected he'd slip a little by now, but he knows she lied to him about where his daughter was last night. (Her 13 yr old stayed with the other 4 kids all night alone.)

What's new: This morning, came out of his office to greet me, called me so sexy, and that I'm "fading away" because of my weight loss, and we went for breakfast. More interesting is the convo about me buying a house in town and he very calmly says: I'd really like a double garage. I smile, said: I think that's wise.

Over breakfast: His comments had a lot of "we" in them. We did this when we had our niece stay with us. I can get such and such to help US get her. We, we, we. No negatives about us at all. Lots about OB. More lawyer talk - and him wondering how long it would take to get the show going. Does he "gather info" or does he just toss the suit at her based on what we already have.

We tet home, do some re-arranging of things to prepare this house for company and help pack up stuff for "staging" the house for sale after the new year,... we start laughing: I said, I did see an interesting semi with a double garage, (semi's here have non communal back yards, which we could put in swings, a small pool or whatever.)... there's room for daughters bedroom and... MAYBE you can sleep in the basement. Maybe I might let you up for nightly visits. Maybe I might even make dinner for you once in a while. He laughs, and says: Well there's a lot of maybe's in your comments. I said: Well, that all depends. Maybe you're SMART and you'll be with me. Or maybe your not. *grin* He laughed and hugged me.

A good morning. And yes, I am REALLY trying not to get ahead of the crazy train. (cuz I know full well that there will be many more roller coaster rides of him slipping, getting fearful, getting withdrawl pangs of the OW etc etc etc.) But it's a good baby step forward. All in all, a good 24 hours.

Abbey

[Abbey]

We had a family get together party. As expected, OW tried to use every tactic she could come up with, to prevent H from taking me to the family party. The B is a fruitcake.

She sent him texts using his daughter as a weapon, accusing him of not caring about his daughter and that she was second class because he was taking his WIFE to a family party.

H is still spinning round. Wants to lash out in texts to p her off. My comments are the same. You do that, you make your case harder to get your daughter. Let her make all the mistakes.... let her do the stupid things and say the stupid things. You will get her full time much quicker by letting her show everyone IN PRINT just how vicious she is. And how easily she'll use daughter as a weapon against you to manipulate and hurt you.

He still is making deals with god. Whilst he told all his brothers yesterday about all the crazy things that OW has threatened him with,... and the sis in laws at diff times chimed in with warnings about their feelings about the OW.... He still gets all brave, talking lawyer, then slides, saying well if she doesn't do such and such... THEN I'll get the lawyer.

He's still gathering his courage and skin in order to take her on. He's not there yet. While he held tight on not letting her ruin his day, and totally manipulate him... he's still in that spin cycle with her. One day at a time.

Abbey