too much time and distance

[Valeska19]

AC,
I tend to agree with your friends that you need to let wife go. She is making her decision and IMHO you need to stop supporting her.

It would be easy to drop her like a bad habit out of the hurt and anger. It would be easy to do all of those things because she has decided to cut you out of her life.

.... It would be so easy and we could all understand why...

.... But know that those reasons above are not loving ones.....

You can chose to stop supporting her because you love her enough to stop being her crutch.

You can chose to give her space because she needs to find herself.

You can choose to start taking care of you vs. her because you need to shine the love you have always shown her on yourself.

You can let go out of love... Or you can let go out of anger

Which one would you like to do??

[labug]

Wow Val, that's really detaching with love. Very nice.

[Crimson]

Great advice, Val.

AC - I hear you. I still struggle with the notion of having to protect and provide even though my wife moved out over a month ago. I think part of me feels that doing so still keeps me connected to her in one sense or another and takes the edge off of the pain I feel. Regardless, I have stopped and have pretty much gone dim. I am trying to give her space for our mutual benefit. I figured if I am always around 1.) she will never have time to think and 2.) she will never have time to miss me. Maybe she won't do either - but at least I can say I am trying to create an environment where she could if she wanted to.


Crimson

[antlers]

Or...you can decide let go because you realize that your wife is involved with another man, and even though she knows you want to save the marriage, and she knows that you love her...it doesn't matter to her right now. You can decide to detach because you value and respect yourself...and right now you're not being valued and respected by her. We spend so much time and effort in these situations trying to be understanding, giving space, taking all the blame, etc., and all the while we are totally neglecting ourselves emotionally and physically. We basically mistreat ourselves at the very times when we really need big doses of self-love. Not in a narcissistic way either, but in a truly healthy way. Look at it this way...would you do to her what she's doing to you? We've all made mistakes and messed up, granted, but cheating and lying in these situations is pretty bad. Just something to think about...

[25yearsmlc]

AC,
The feelings you are describing are the exact same ones I am feeling, exactly, popping up at all hours, trying to stay involved but being sad, etc

The symptoms you are describing are clasic ones for depression, as my IC told me this week. Are you seeing an IC? Depression brought about by traumatic events, of which D is #2 on the list of life stressors, is completely normal. It can last for a good long time, and in our case, can definately be exacerbated by other factors, like the fact that this is holiday time. She told me to give it one more month, if after that time the symptoms have not significantly lessened, it might be time to take the next step which could involve short term meds/therapy.

wow...I can't believe you are not already on them! What's up with your IC? I've never heard of someone dealing with your stuff and NOT being on something for sleep, at least.

Sheesh...maybe I know too many wimps but count me among them! I said "yes" to modern medicine so I could BE WITH my kids, avail myself of them, and work and be able to concentrate, and function. Plus, I was more upbeat for h and able to work on MY own stuff too...

Why wait so long? I just don't get it. If THIS SITUATION does not cry out for medical help, what psychological condition or event would? Just death of a spouse? Seems too harsh to me.

Sorry if I sound like I'm pushing drugs. I guess I'm saying "hey, do what you have to do and have no shame about it." SO IF you felt the need for approval, here's mine!


All is not lost!!

[any chance?]

Going through some interesting changes in perspective and I guess life. Increasing obvious to me that W has moved on and wants little to do with me beyond getting the papers and settlement she needs. She has been pretty disrespectful of me and several of her friends, as she is in that WAW zone where all she can see is what is important to her and her happiness.

It is amazing to me that her two closest friends now, one woman and one guy, both of whom live >3 hours from her, have both left their respective partners since my W left here 4 months ago. The grapevine suggests she is moving rapidly toward a serious relationship with this old guy friend of hers.

I guess this is starting to give some sort of closure. It crushes me that she can be so dismissive of me after so long, but I guess that is where her head is at. I see little hope in any sort of contact with her in the future, and it seems increasingly clear she is out of my life forever. I don't even think she will look back.

So I have to look forward. Booked a ticket to Las Vegas for Xmas, as I think the desert will do me some good. I need to save myself, as I can no longer hope to save or help her. Very sad, but I guess it had to happen. Time to focus on me and my future.

Thanks for listening.

[gunny]

Good morning AC,
Sounds like a plan to me buddy. Hope you enjoy Las Vegas!

[any chance?]

Gunny:
Biggest question is: how do you know the difference between a stage on a long, difficult journey and the true end of the line? I am told by others that 'you will just know'. Not sure I understand just yet.

[gunny]

Hello 25,
Thank you for your perspective. My IC actually suggested meds a couple of months ago, but I have resisted using them until just very recently. As she explained things, short term depression brought about by a traumatic event, i.e. situational depression, will often resolve itself over a couple of months, but if the classic signs of major depression start to settle in, you can easily slide into a case of major depression. There seems to be a very fine line.

In retrospect, I should have probably started on a program 4 months ago, I would have been in much better shape to DB with my w while she was here. As it was, I found it almost impossible to stay constantly upbeat, had some backslides, which I beleive hastened her departure.

Iam now on second week of meds, some slow improvement, I know that it normally takes 2-4 weeks.

Thank you for the 2x4, it was foolish on my part to resist the common sense approach.

[workinghardguy]

Glad you're on the mess Gunny... There's no shame in a little help. If you had pneumonia I'm sure you'd take whatever antibiotic he doc gave you. Same thing here... Just a med to fix the chemical imbalances created by a change in your life. I know for me, looking at it from a biological angle makes it easier to accept.