WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Well... made it home after a long day of travel. We were driving out of the airport and W called me. Said that S wanted to call and talk to me. Apparently I had pocket called the house at some point.

Drove the two hours home. S was just going to bed when I got home, W was in singing to him. I came in to the bedroom to give him his gifts. Unfortunately the snow globe broke in my luggage but my reaction was a 180. In the past I would've become angry and swore. But I just told son it was ok and we'd figured something out. W looked at me but no emotion when I came in the room.

Then I gave S his other gift. When he realized it had the ability to glow in the dark his eyes got as huge as saucers. Then W turned to me with a huge smile and laugh.

I unpacked and grabbed a shower. After the shower I was getting dressed and W started talking to me about her week. Stuff about her being sick, her friends and their issues, her getting accepted into the college for her BSN program. I listened and validated. Told her congratulations, but then ended it pretty quick. Maybe talked five minutes. I had to go to my chaperon duties and didn't really have time to sit and chat.

As I was leaving I outlined when I would be back and stuff. W volunteered to take care of S if I wanted to nap when I got home. Told her we would see... I'm afraid if I take a "nap" after being awake for 36 hours I won't get up... or I'll feel worse than if I just power through and go to bed early. Guess we'll see.

During the convo W did manage to work in one divorce/split reference. She's taking some extra vacation in January and worked in that she wants to use the time to get boxes and stuff set up.

I was very positive and upbeat overall. I didn't react to the boxes/divorce comment. I cutoff conversation because I needed to go. When I first got home I wanted to challenge my W so badly about her guy... but I waited and the feeling passed.

I did have a realization today that I'm working through... I've been very emotional the past two weeks. I've been confused why... it's almost like I haven't been accepting of the divorce and where my W is at, but I feel like I am. What I've come to realize is that it is tied into the kids. I feel like am a failure and letting them down completely. I want to shield them from having to go through the coming pain so badly that I will do almost anything to make it not happen. But I don't have that power and that is frustrating, painful, and makes me feel powerless all at the same time. They deserve better then they are going to get... and I hate that a) I can't seem to stop the progression towards it and b) played a role in getting them to this.