Don't misunderstand, I see this for what it is and not having expectations. He is still emotionally distant from me, even when he puts his arm around me while walking me through the parking lot. It is tentative and awkward. It never used to be.
I will continue my work, focusing on me and my changes. I just didn't want my above post to be misinterpreted. It's tough when things are in type sometimes.
I haven't been feeling the Christmas spirit and need to find it for the boys. Tonight I will go buy a few gifts, crank up the music and bake. One of the three, if not all, will get me into the mood.
I have a happy life now, peace amongst us, and a great boyfriend. I have a superb, huge tree up, decorations, most presents bought and wrapped, yet... I still can't get in the Christmas spirit.
We need some snow!!!
Nothing like 49 degrees and raining in the Midwest to make you feel NOT in the Christmas spirit!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Mindfull, thanks, but not feeling too wise today. My lizard brain has kicked in.
Autumn, good news that they didn't find it on the US. I had to go through that routine a couple of years ago. It can be stressful but you are right to focus on the positive.
Sounds as if H might be peeking around the corner to see if it's safe to actually make the turn. Keep the focus on you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I too am having trouble finding the Christmas spirit. I went to a big mall yesterday. Ended up sick feeling from trying to pick out gifts when I JUST DON'T CARE! And I know it isn't my mother's problem or my sister's. I got a few things, then ran away only to get stuck in a huge traffic jam. Gotta love Hawaii.
So my plan for this afternoon/evening is to go grocery shopping then come home and bake and blast some Christmas music! I will get in a better mood, or else! (Evil giggle)
Hope your day finishes out great!
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
How are you all doing with finding that holiday spirit today? I have been listening to Christmas music and its helping a bit. I got a bit of shopping done last night and intend to get out to do some more tonight. I think the sights and sounds of the mall should help a bit. My kids definitely help, they are just the best! S17 keeps telling me that I seem happy these days. So I guess even on the tougher days I am good at faking it Like I tell my mom on her tough days, fake it till you make it.
Yesterday H told me that he was going to stop at a few stores on the way home from work and he wouldn't be late. I didn't ask any questions and said "have a good time" (180 for me to not ask anything). On some level I feel like I was being tested. He was home by 9 so it wasn't a huge deal. I think my health scare put some things into perspective for me as well. I feel different.
When he got home he seemed happy to see me, gave me a kiss. I again didn't ask anything, and was actually on the phone when he got in. When I finished my call, he told me that when he was finally alone and shopping last night, the reality of my testing hit him. It had happened so quickly that he didn't register anything, but seeing the words Cancer Center was sticking with him. He told me that he was so happy that I don't have to see the surgeon now and can come back for a re-check in 6 months. Said it was something to celebrate.
He initiated some light conversation and it felt less forced than before. I'm remaining detached, or as detached as I have been so far. I think I have more detaching to do for sure.
This morning I was going for some bloodwork, so I was getting in the shower as he was dressing. I said "have a good day" and he called me over to give me a hug and said ILY.
Went to the kitchen to get my phone and there was a sticky note on it that said "I love you"
I went for the bloodwork, treated myself to Starbucks after fasting with no coffee this morning and made my way to the office. I hadn't responded at all. I got an email from him that said "did you get my note". A little bit later I responded to say "I did, that was a nice surprise. I was out and just got back to my desk" He said "oh i was thinking 'how rude' when you didn't respond"
Hello roller coaster...ugh
I have been busy working since and no more emails, which is good. Need to keep detaching, for me and this sitch.
Have a nail appt tomorrow and plan to take a yoga class tomorrow. Hoping to take in a movie with a friend at some point too.
Starting my weekend early and taking the boys to my niece's basketball game. I am really looking forward to it, she is really good. I will then take the kids out to dinner and do a little Christmas shopping. I am really excited!!
My baking yesterday was a dismal failure. My candy thermometer must have been dropped. I caught my stuff on fire that I was making. It must be done.... the smoke alarm went off! Then my cookies got soggy when I left them out for only 2 hours. Hawaii is just so humid!
Glad to hear you don't have to see a surgeon.
I am glad you are getting through the shopping and such! I went to my better known but smaller mall today. It is a place where I have plenty of happy memories. So it was nice. Even if the Macy's is smaller ;-)
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
My oldest sons bball team came in 2nd in nation last year. We are playing in a somewhat local tournament this weekend. Had two games last night. Our boys got SMOKED by 30 points last night!! Guess they're not so cool now!!! LoL. I knew my online bball friend would love that. . We're off to more games today. I'll have to heal my voice first. I think it's stuck in the growl yell of "REBOUND!!!"
So. How was last night???
I have had a bunch of gifts delivered, so I'll probably spend another chunk of time wrapping again this weekend.
I have great news. We got snow last night!!!! A white Christmas!!! Thought I'd share the holiday cheer!
How is H???
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Some ups and downs over the weekend, more ups than downs. Still working hard daily to not have expectations. It is something my DB coach really emphasized, and is tough for me.
H called Friday night on his way home from work and was heading to the gym on his way home. I said "ok, have fun. I am going to head out for a bite and will see you later". He asked me to wait for him and he wanted to join me. I agreed
We had a nice dinner but hit a bump later in the evening. Had a minor disagreement and I chose to leave the room. The kids were there and I thought it was the best way to handle it. I went to bed. I guess the kids left the room not long after me, and that made him upset (with me)
I woke in the middle of the night, and so did he. He said "are you kidding me, that was horrible. How could you" I responded in a way that I regret, some tears and not enough detachment. We both went to sleep to avoid more.
The next morning he put his arm around me and said "I don't want to fight anymore this weekend please" I agreed and asked "in a perfect situation, what would you have preferred. I thought leaving the room was the best for all" In the calm of the morning, he agreed and said he does the same at times. I said "we both need to have the permission to leave the room if need be and not fight in the heat of the moment"
So Saturday we both went our own ways, ran errands, to the kids games, etc. Saturday night he went out with some of his guy friends and a few of them ended up back here. I was out with friends as well, and we got home around the same time.
Sunday was uneventful, did some Christmas shopping and went to watch a little football at a friends house. Nothing too exciting but nice
One odd thing that I am trying not to read too much into. I have been losing weight and when you see someone daily it is sometimes hard to notice right away. So yesterday morning I was in yoga pants a fitted long sleeve tee, just doing things around the house. When he saw me he did a double take and said "wow hon, you look GREAT. I can really see your weight loss in that. Way to go" I thanked him and smiled
So later in the evening, we were both in the game room and I went into the house to get a drink. When I came out he was shoving his phone in his pocket and came over and gave me a somewhat passionate kiss and said "i really meant it earlier, you look great"
My insecure side is thinking 'are you trying to distract me from whatever you just did on your phone' but again that goes back to detach and no expectations. I really need to stay out of my own head, what I imagine can get pretty crazy sometimes
On a good note, my exercise and AD's are really working, my mood has been improving dramatically.
Like I tell my mom on her tough days, fake it till you make it.