WAW told me she idoesn't want to be married.

[witz10]

Thanks again Rick. Today I really need the boost in morale. I went up to my home and packed up my closet. It is all sitting in my truck right now.
I plan on doing my usual Wednesday night ritual. No therapy tonight that is Friday but I will be hitting the gym for a while. Still down 14 pounds losing my belly getting more defined and I think appealing. Have a bunch of new nice clothes including pants that fit when I bought them now getting big. At least that feels good.
How do I handle a run with her and my kids this weekend then later on that night we are taking my kids to NJ for the Polar Express train ride. So an hour ride in the car. Feel like I should bring flash cards with topics of conversation on them.
When I left today I wanted to go down and beat the hell out of this guy. But I am better then that.
My W wants to talk about the agreement, I want to yell at her, but that won't get me anywhere.

Thanks again.

[Rick1963]

Witz go back to your old thread and re read what Sandi, Mr Bond and Accuray wrote. If you are feeling hopeless go to the threat "another divorce busted" it may calm you down. yelling won't do it, I am a perfect example. The run? I guess you act upbeat and happy. Try and make it really fun for the little ones and yourself. That should be the priority.

[witz10]

Thank you again Rick. Right now I am so furious. She asked me to go and pick up gifts that were in our buildings office. Now granted it is something I ordered for our daughters teacher. But she emails me back OK well if there is anything else you need you know how to reach me, otherwise I am going to stop doesn't seem to be much to talk about right now.
Your right not much to talk about cause I am not allowed to ask you any personal questions about work or anything.

[Rick1963]

witz my W has not called me emailed or TM since this started. You are in a better place. Take that as a positive. Read the 37 rules IS posted for you and follow them. You need to detach and stop persuing or you will push her further away. I know how you feel about the separation papers and lawyers. I recently screwed up also while filling legal documents. You MUST not show any weakness or fear she will sense them. Cooperate with the paper work, I know it makes no sense but you have no control. Hang in there

[witz10]

Rick took your advice and I am looking over old posts.
This was posted by Juststunned way back when I first joined.
"If you have not been emotionally available to her in the past and have now decided to change that (180) she will likely need to see that change consistently over a long period of time. It will need to be a real change, not something tried to Band-Aid the R. It is likely she will perceive it as a Band-Aid (tactic) at first even if it is real. That is why you need to be consistent and patient while waiting for even the smallest positive."

So my question is since we didn't talk or have conversations and such. Now when I see her should I try this or leave it be for now. Considering she doesn't want to talk about personal things other then kids, finances and holidays.

[Rick1963]

You must let her initiate any R talk any talk unless it is about the kids and urgent. If you talk about the R or M she will feel you are persuing so don't do it. Let her start and if she does all you should do is listen and validate.

[witz10]

I had my neighbor look over my agreement. He is divorced and his wife went after him. He noticed somethings on mine that I should talk over more. For example I pay half the health insurance plus give her a set amount of money each week. I thought the money I was giving her would include health insurance? Any changes I make to this do I worry about getting her further angry or upset with me?

I realized I never posted my goals in my previous thread.

Work on getting a new job
Lose weight and get more fit
Be a better Dad to my kids
GAL Go out with friends, movies, dinners sports
Stop being moody
Work on being a better person/(husband)
Don't let my W walk over me
Stand up for myself with W and family

[witz10]

I am looking over the Another Marriage Saved section per Rick.
I have to say it is uplifting but there are still questions and concerns I have. For example it seems that a good bit of the ones I am reading the couples didn't separate. They lived with each other everyday. My case I am out of my house so she doesn't see the changes and with the OM in the picture how can she miss me?
Now I did read that the OM is a band aid right now for her to go to when she is depressed. Believe me there is no future with this guy.
I have a question regarding 180 now when I am with my W and kids I do the customary/gentlemanly thing of I get the food or drinks etc. This weekend with the race we are doing and the train ride do I still do this or would this be the 180 and don't. To me its just being polite. I can just get the kids something and let her get her own? Not sure I would be able to do that. Not the way I was brought up.

[witz10]

HELLPPPPP!!!.
Went and spoke with my attorney. He looked over the "Separation Agreement" and said it was more of a Property Agreement giving up all rights to my condo and that the language in the doc is more of a D Agreement. He also said we can be separated w/out a agreement in the state of PA. If I sign the document she emailed to me I am making it that much easier to file for Divorce, which I don't want. I can sign a support agreement. He also told me I can put in for mandatory counseling, but the only thing that will do is stare at her watch when we go in. I will get upset and she will just sit there and tear up. I don't think it will help. But I will if I have too down the line in the D papers.

Now that I have all this information when do I talk with her. This Saturday is a race we are doing with our kids and Saturday night is the train ride. Then of course next week is xmas. I think I will push this back to after the Holidays.

I really think she has no desire to work on our Marriage any longer. I was at my condo after picking up some shirts and saw her engagement ring sitting on her jewelry chest.

I cried more yesterday then I did in a long time. I had to go buy a plastic drawer set for small clothes to make room for what I brought from home. I threw out clothes. Tried on pants that now fit. They have not in a few years. She already put things in my side of the closet.

I am trying to keep positive especially around her. Just difficult as hell. Saw my W is reading a life help book that goes day to day. Its a make me more powerful and happy with myself book. I really wish she would read DR or DB.

Very rough week can't wait for therapy tomorrow night. At least I have my kids tonight. Helps some

[Michele Weiner-Davis]

^