I couldn't agree more with 25! Problem drinking affects the whole family. I regret that I didn't find Al Anon when my H was drinking because it helps to understand so much of what I was thinking and feeling and my reactions to H even after the drinking was no longer a problem. But I did finally find it and it helped me become a better person.
In large-medium size cities I know there are AA meetings almost all day, everyday. Go online and find one.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Again thank you very much 25 for the help. Loads of great advice. Last night I went to her parents to pick up S. W asked me to do this because she was feeling really sick. She also asked me to bring her mail with me. When I got there she was curled up on the floor with a blanket. She seemed pretty cranky as she stated she couldn't get any sleep. She then complained about their dogs barking non stop. I hung out for a bit and talked to her and her parents. I gave her her mail (her new phone) and she seemed in a better mood once she started to talk to me. She is no longer on my phone account. She said she was feeling really sick and showed me inside her mouth how her tonsils were really swollen. I just listened to her, had a good conversation with her family, then took S home. This morning she showed up, said she had a rough night trying to sleep. She continued the conversation with me I just listened. She said about taking the TV from the bedroom with her today, I told her I didn't mind, it is hers anyway. She told me she was hoping at her doctors appointment she could get the referral she needed to see the specialist. She said seeing the specialist would really help her. I told her I had to get going to work, SHE said "have a nice day", and I told her "Hope you feel better". Crazy day at work wasn't sure what was going to be the verdict when I got home. I usually tell my friends how the "Sherwood Bandits" rob my house while I'm at work. When I got in the door, she was sitting on couch and we greeted each other. SHE ASKED ME "How was your day"! I was almost in shock, but calmly told her "Crazy!", and explained to her my day. She was actually asking me stuff about my work and day. I asked her about her day and she told me she was feeling a little better. She said it felt nice to actually spend some time with S and not have her parents or sisters around. She said she couldn't wait to have her own place "up and running" (bummer!) Then she had to go to her doctor appointment. I thought this was another great conversation and it felt great to tell her about me. She told me she took the TV and some more of her hygiene items because its that time of month. She said she would see me tomorrow morning. I know I can't let this go to my head, because maybe tomorrow she will realize that she asked me about my day, and be a little more protective or even cold. I will continue to go with the flow and not jump the gun here on anything. I noticed she still has long term plans of living on her own and I will respect that. My goal right now is to become her "boyfriend".
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
If not, it does seem to crop up with a lot of women later in life, like an unmet need they repressed for too long.
Keep up the good work. you may need to ask her sometime, if there's something you can do for her, like "get some soup"? ASK her, as opposed to fixing...make sense?
(((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
curious, has she ever lived on her own? If not, it does seem to crop up with a lot of women later in life, like an unmet need they repressed for too long.
She lived on her own, but not really sure how long. She lived with her XBF after they broke up (so not really on her own) then on her own a few months before we started dating.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Keep up the good work. you may need to ask her sometime, if there's something you can do for her, like "get some soup"? ASK her, as opposed to fixing...make sense?
Not really sure how to go about this. Everytime I offered, I was shot down. Maybe I wasn't going about it the right way? or right time?
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Well I already had a backslide. I was working out on the stair climber (I use my iphone to listen to music) and W called. I answered (should have let it go to message). She did ask what I was doing (maybe a little bonus there for her knowing I was working out?) then she asked me if she could borrow money for gas. At first I told her I wasn't sure if I had the money (should have stuck with that) and she was like oh ok, but then I asked how much she needed. She said $15-20. I said I should be able to give you $15. Then she said her credit card wasn't working for some reason, so she had to use my debit card to pay for her doctor visit and her prescription (yes, I still never got those bank cards back). She told me she would repay that. I had another out, but still had to rescue her and tell her it was okay to use the debit card. I don't know why I can't tell the woman "no". She said thank you. I asked her if she got referral and she told me she is getting the run around again (the stupid doctor did this last time 3 or 4 years ago when she wanted to see a specialist). We talked a little more about that, and I told her that I would talk to her in the morning. At least I ended conversation.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
well you two are still married, legally, and you want to remain so. Therefore how wrong is it for you to help with gas or medical care?"
What's with cutting her off? I'm probably forgetting something but I dont' really get it. Does she spend wildly?
But this...I mean it's not her bar bill...just saying...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
No I don't want to cut her off, but some people recommended that if she wants to be on her own, that I should cut her off so she can really have a taste of what it is like without me. I just find it so hard to do. We have had many arguments about me being too controlling with the money. I am still paying the her car payments (my loan, her car). Once in a while she was using debit card to by her lunch or cigarettes, so maybe that is why people said to cut her off, still I don't have it in my heart to do that to her. So is it a big deal? Is it a backslide?
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
This morning I was waiting for W to get to house so I could go to work. As it got close to time I had to leave I gave her a call to see where she was. I must have just woken her up as she fumbled the phone and hung up. She called me back, said she was on her way, her alarm didn't go off, and would be here in 15-20 minutes. I said (a little anger in my voice) I am going to be late! Hurry! End of conversation. As she was pulling up to house I hopped in my SUV and sped off for work. So no talk at all today. I was a bit upset as I waited, but once the day got going I pretty much forgot about it. The old me would probably give her the silent treatment for a day or 2, but the new me doesn't let something like this bother me. When I see her tomorrow, I won't bring it up, and if she does, I will tell her straight up, no worries, it happens. I am really feeling good about myself these days, and even with the ob and my situation I am defiantly not feeling like someone who might have depression. My new way of thinking and exercise is really helping me. Tonight I am going out to eat and a minor league hockey game with a friend. Going to be first "real" time out since I quit drinking. Should be a fun night, I will prove to myself I don't need booze to have fun. Tomorrow I have church, going to try out a Methodist Church here in town this time.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Good for you, CO. I do tend to see a few similarities in our respective situations. I would also like to think that after a lot of soul-searching, I am building a new me as well. I find myself not reacting to my W in ways that I used to. It's almost as if I have slowly started to establish a modicum of control over some of my old, bad habits. Granted, I still lose my sh*t when I get notes from her L or have to confront hard issues - but I keep that to myself or vent to friends. All that the W sees is level-headed and unemotional, which is a nice switch for her.
No I don't want to cut her off, but some people recommended that if she wants to be on her own, that I should cut her off so she can really have a taste of what it is like without me. I disgree with this^^^^ a lot b/c of what my DB coach said. "Doing something to 'teach them a lesson' or to 'show them the consequences of their choices' is NOT the spouses job.
Life does that for them."
Anytime you wonder about a course of action or comment - ask yourself where it is really coming from. Is it coming from a place of love and light in your heart, a wish to comfort support or empathize?
OR is it angry or coming from a place that down deep...wants to punish.
IMO some of the advice you are getting is NOT DBing, it's punitive.
Finally, if she says you were controlling about money and IF you were
then it's idiotic to fuel the negatives she has. Your job right now is to COUNTER the negatives with positives...
Hence the term "180."
I just find it so hard to do. We have had many arguments about me being too controlling with the money. I am still paying the her car payments (my loan, her car). Once in a while she was using debit card to by her lunch or cigarettes, so maybe that is why people said to cut her off, still I don't have it in my heart to do that to her. So is it a big deal? Is it a backslide?
It's not a big deal if she's not ruining your credit or hurting the kids...the issue here for NOW is
what your goal is and how to get there.
Do you actually think she had some valid reasons for wanting out? (I know you do)
so how on earth would cutting her off help the situation?
like I said though, it's different if financial things are going to hell. I don't see that yet though.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was working out on the stair climber (I use my iphone to listen to music) and W called. I answered (should have let it go to message). She did ask what I was doing (maybe a little bonus there for her knowing I was working out?) then she asked me if she could borrow money for gas. At first I told her I wasn't sure if I had the money (should have stuck with that) and she was like oh ok, but then I asked how much she needed. She said $15-20. I said I should be able to give you $15. Then she said her credit card wasn't working for some reason, so she had to use my debit card to pay for her doctor visit and her prescription (yes, I still never got those bank cards back). She told me she would repay that. I had another out, but still had to rescue her and tell her it was okay to use the debit card. I don't know why I can't tell the woman "no". She said thank you. I asked her if she got referral and she told me she is getting the run around again (the stupid doctor did this last time 3 or 4 years ago when she wanted to see a specialist). We talked a little more about that, and I told her that I would talk to her in the morning. At least I ended conversation.