Hey Crimson- I'm new here but have been trying to read up on as many threads as I can to learn, and get inspired.
First, I'm glad to hear your son is going to be alright.
Second, I hope you're right about 'cracking the window'!
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Crimson - there's not much to add to the amazing advise these good people have shared with you. I've been away from your post from a few days. It's amazing how so much can happen in such a short time.
Whatever happens with your family and marriage I can't help but see what a strong moral person you are. It takes such strength to admit that you're hurting and need help, to admit your role in the problems in your marriage and have the guts to face it, and seek improvement in the face of this incredible pain without any guaranty of ther outcome you pray for.
I don't know if this will help you, but it works for me. I pray every morning and at night at the end of the day. I just let it all out to the universe - what I feel, what I need help on to improve, acknowledge my mistakes, say what I hope will happen, ask for help for others incl the W, etc. I'm not trying to be some sort of preachy guy here but look, there is a divine aspect in everything and everything happens according to plan. After praying in the morning you can spend the rest of the day living in the present, listening for the divine whisper, facing your thoughts & feelings clearly. Then at night when you pray, you can drift off to dreamland and if you review your dreams you will often find answers. I really don't want to come off as some new age hippie, but the if you ever needed to be connected to the divine world it's now.
As for the practical part of this, the people here have offered you some incredible advise.
R89, I have been praying over this for months now. I pretty much have gotten the message loud and clear that this is going on for a reason and right now that reason is to figure out myself and reevaluate my priorities. Where it ends, I don't know.
I am still wrapping my head around yesterday's encounter at the hospital. The timing was just so odd.....I was so ready to give up and be done just hours before.
W is dropping S off tomorrow AM early and leaving for Los Angeles for the weekend as mentioned in a previous post. She's going to drive. In a sense, I think 6 hours on the road one way might be a good thing.
I have not mentioned the trip at all since she brought it up earlier in the week. It has taken a lot for me not to ask about it. If she's driving alone.....what she and her friend are going to do while she's there. I also want to check her car, tell her to be safe and to call me if she needs anything. HOWEVER thanks to some reading, deep introspection, and some great posters on this board I'm not doing any of that. At this point in WAW world I would strongly suspect that she wants her independence and wants to prove she can do things without me - so I am taking a big step aside and getting out of her way. I don't think I'll say as much as "have a good trip". Not that I don't care - I care a lot. I just want her to not feel the least bit smothered or "fathered" by me. It's really hard to do. But again, I a, committed to this.
Accuray - So I was reading a response you made on another post a thought I'd ask about it here instead of hijacking.
I am intrigued by the glimpses of your story that I have seen. I was reading your response to a poster where you were sharing the experience of not moving too fast when you see signs of "thawing". You shared the story of how your wife held your hand one minute and then wouldn't speak to you once you got home. In looking at your signature, one would assume that you had 1 month of turmoil before things began to turn the corner for you. Is that really the case? (sorry to pry, just curious). What exactly do you call a "positive" interaction that could show progress? My mind is still processing the encounter with my W at the Children's Hospital a few posts ago this week. Would love to get your take (or anyone else's for that matter) on it. I doubt if the encounter will change my actions, but here I am a few days later and I don't know what to make of it. It's not that I am trying to get in my wife's head - rather, I am trying to see if what I am doing (or not doing) in having an impact. If so, I will keep it up. It is just hard to tell.
Accuray - So I was reading a response you made on another post a thought I'd ask about it here instead of hijacking.
I am intrigued by the glimpses of your story that I have seen. I was reading your response to a poster where you were sharing the experience of not moving too fast when you see signs of "thawing". You shared the story of how your wife held your hand one minute and then wouldn't speak to you once you got home. In looking at your signature, one would assume that you had 1 month of turmoil before things began to turn the corner for you. Is that really the case? (sorry to pry, just curious). What exactly do you call a "positive" interaction that could show progress? My mind is still processing the encounter with my W at the Children's Hospital a few posts ago this week. Would love to get your take (or anyone else's for that matter) on it. I doubt if the encounter will change my actions, but here I am a few days later and I don't know what to make of it. It's not that I am trying to get in my wife's head - rather, I am trying to see if what I am doing (or not doing) in having an impact. If so, I will keep it up. It is just hard to tell.
Crimson
I too was intriguied by the one month timeline, and would love to hear the answer. I figured I would have to set aside one evening to read all his threads!
SO Crimson...... I have had sick kids, much hospital time between my two with asthma. You always pull together in times of crisis. Don't let this make you change your plans too much. Write down what changes you expect to see from her before you believe things have changed. Because who knows what she is thinking.
At the beginning of this mess with my H we had that Tsunami hit Hawaii. We had a long eventful night taking the boat out to sea, being stuck out in the harbor 'til they cleared for all to re-enter..... I would have thought from my H's actions that 24 hour period that all was well again. But 2 days later he retreated even more from me. And boy was it like being hit with a brick.
Take care of yourself!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Tiki - Nah, it hasn't caused me to change my plans too much. I am still locked in to what I am doing. I had just hoped that maybe she saw a little change in me when we were there together. She DID mention me not being on my BlackBerry and that made me feel kind of good. I knew there was nothing particularly "magic" about that incident. My hope, or feeling, was that it gave her something to think about.
In general, switching topics, I feel like I have done a fairly decent job at detaching these days. Physically, anyway - I do not reach out just to say "hi" or check in. And I never call. Emotionally detaching is the harder game - but I am working on it. It suxx that I am still attracted to her as much as I am.
I will also say this - if there has been one benefit, one MASSIVE 180 that has come of all of this, it has been with my son. I have always loved him - but my W was always the primary caretaker and did everything with him. Three or four months ago (still being a new father) I was scared to take him out on my own, didn't do diapers very well, didn't manage his meals, the list goes on. Now I kind of feel like Mr. Mom in a lot of regards and I like it. He calls for me, falls asleep on me, brings me books to read to him - it's been awesome. We are a team. I take him to daycare and pick him up, buy his clothes, the two of us go to dinner together - it's a total 180. I am a better dad than I thought I was ever capable of being. Well, I should say I am BECOMING a better dad than I thought I was capable of being. In return, he has given me so much love and joy without even knowing it that I get choked up thinking about it. I can only hope that this situation will eventually grant me an opportunity to be a better husband to my wife one day as well.
Way to go Crimson. I have the same 180 going for me with my S. W was always the primary caretaker as well and I too never really took him anywhere on my own, but now that W doesn't live at home and I have S by myself I find myself doing everything I should have been doing in the first place. It makes me feel really good. I am defiantly a better father and I love all the time I now have alone with him. Also keep up great work with detaching. I am not emotionally detached from my W either. I am still so much in love with her (more so than I was 3 months ago). I do not call her at all unless it has to do with S, and I leave it at that. I honestly think being emotionally attached isn't that bad, as long as you can control yourself around her, and you do not let not being with her ruin your GAL. Keep it up!
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
