Adventures in GALing

[AntoniaB]

For my latest adventure in GALing...a report of something I learned from my psychiatrist/something I'm intructed to work on, from my appt. y-day.

My conception of "maleness" is bound up in a few words: protector, insultator, buffer. Therefore with the loss of my XH a long time ago and the loss of my boy cat over a month ago she says my sleeplessness is coming mainly from anxiety related to being without a male in my life, at least on an intimate or "see you most days" basis. The problem is that I have been fed what she is calling a myth about gender, from parents, a mainly patriarchal society, friends, etc., that I've ingrained so much that I believe it, and I have to reverse my thinking and disbelieve it.

There is nothing wrong with believing maleness is synonymous with "protector", but there IS if one cannot also associate "femaleness" with "protector" and that's MY problem. So I feel very vulnerable that I am at last, a woman living with only women (animals, but still) and that I'm their protector, and it's making me hyper-vigilant at night in case anything happens, because I'm their only line of defense (and MY only line of defense). Hence, sleeplessness.

She says I'm also carrying this into my interactions with men in that I don't WANT them to be protective of me or have power over me, because that's the old dynamic with XH, and so I'm pushing them away and making this self-protective armor against them.

I don't have this rel. with women at all, in fact I have a very healthy rel. with women. She thinks that I need to explore (through research, reading) matriarchal societies and the idea that women in some parts of the world really tap into their own power and do not see men as saviors or protectors, but the opposite, which she called "woman as protector of man" or simply an equal sort of footing on this particular issue.

She said there is a phrase she often hears women say, which is "a woman can handle anything as long as she has a man in her life" and she said this is simply a myth, that I do not need a man to handle anything, I can do it all myself.

I guess paradoxically the more I realize this, the less I "need" a man emotionally, the more I am "ready" for a relationship with one should that transpire ;-) I don't feel like she is counseling me away from a relationship but counseling me away from one where I repeat my old codependent patterns.

She also said I need to learn to revise my meaning of "true love." She said "it's my opinion that we are not "here" on this earth to find a true love. That's not our mission. We are not here to mate PRIMARILY. We are here to learn lessons, to pass through people's lives when they need us most and when we need them most and to learn and be taught by many people. Those that we have the most intimate relationships with are our kindred spirits or soulmates. They can be male or female, romantic or not romantic. Maybe we never even meet them IN PERSON but through other ways. When these connections appear in our lives, this is "true love". There are many types of true love and romantic love or sexuality is not greater than the other types."

I thought that was a really interesting way to look at things...because I used to say things like "I'd give up my entire book writing experience just to have XH back, but I wouldn't say that anymore, and there have been moments of discovery and happiness and pure joy and excitement in the writing of the book, and if I think of the book as an interaction with a type of "true love", well no, I woudn't want to lose that for a dysfunctional rel. to come back into my life.


So I don't know if this helps any of the women here or not, because I feel like some of you came into your sitch more independent by far as a woman than me. I was a complete princess in need of rescue, but that came from a well-meaning but HIGHLY patriarchal father whose mantra was "don't you ever worry about anything, little girl, I'll fix it." But I posted just in case it might.