Quote: The problem is I have tried all of the languages and they do not seem to make a dang bit of good.
How long have you tried each one? The book has a scenario in Loving the Unlovely where a w if dealing with an h that actually hates her. She wins him over. Have you read this section of the 5 Love Languages?
Quote: Like I said before if she doesn't get what she wants she gets mad. Says that im not doing this and doing that and the such.
What kind of things does she say you are NOT doing?
Well gee...let's see, I'm the Higher sex drive partner, CJ and I are by all accounts doing very well...but we haven't ML since SEPTEMBER!!!
OMG Lee! It IS important to me, but right now I'm focussing on all of the other pluses. Now we WILL have to work something out, this cannot be forever!!
One thing that made my sex life better when the M was better, was when I started helping out around the house more. I started doing the laundry. The more I helped out, the more she felt appreciated, the less she had to do after work, the more energy she had at bed time. See where I am going with this. We have 4 kids so there is always something to be done after work.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Quote: She said that this is the same old thing that she is the way she is and if I want it more go and find someone else on the side
Lee, what I think this means is that you haven't won her heart yet and it is a reaction to the pressure you are placing on her. I would recommend that you investigate the work of David Deida and get yourself a copy of The Way Of The Superior Man. I get the feeling that when you sense rejection from your W, that you are shutting down your heart. Women pick up on this and if you are leaving it shut for a period of time, it turns to resentment from the perceived distancing. It is a relevant theory which explains why your sitch is where it is at.
One of the suggestions I got from the book I recommended was to plan a romantic weekend and give W 15 minutes to pack her bag. The book says that under these circumstances, women act purely on love. At first my W seemed kind of angry but quickly settled in for the adventure. It was the first time in 19 years I saw pure love in my W and she wanted it all day long.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
You have gotten some excellent advice!! Here is my story:
In the past from dating to bomb, H always wanted sex. I could wake him up in the middle of the night. Anytime, he would NEVER say no. I said no alot. I felt loved that he wanted to ML to me all the time/anytime. We avg. about 2x/week.
Because of all of this I felt very secure in our R. I felt, as long as H gets it, it doesn't matter if he has to "beg" me.
Boy was I wrong. I think H was grasping at straws to keep his love for me. H later told me how rejected and unloved he felt. I NOW understand what he meant. I never got it before. I was truly being selfish and not meeting his needs. It was not intentional, I was just ignorant.
Now I am the HS drive person and he is the LSD one.
Some of the reasons I was not really interested in ML are: if he made me mad, I was feeling fat and didn't want him to see/feel the fat, I valued sleep more than sex, I did not want to put in the effort/focus it takes to have an "O."
Lee, Sometimes women control sex because they can. I agree with Soup. Fill her love tank, back off, whatever. Michelle has some things to try in DR. Act completely uniintersted.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well all I have found out some information. About 2 weeks ago I guess my W decided to stop taking her synthroid medication and it has throughly screwed her up. She has been sleeping 14 hrs on days I dont work and just being completely unlikeable. I will tell you all that If this keeps up with her going on and off like this with mood swings and all I really don't know if I can stay around for my own sanity.
She did send me a text message this night to tell me she was very sorry for not taking the medcine and asked if I would forgive her. I said yes. I feel much better now about what has transpired in the last month now knowing what was going on.
I'm kind of worried that I am going into the WA mode. I am having a very hard time keeping my heart open to all of this. Its very diffecult thinking that everytime you try and open your heart up that it will be stepped on. The more it happens the hard it is to open up again. So I am really fighting with that.
The scary thing is, Is that i'm really starting to lose intrest in my W sexually. It like a wall that I have just hit in the last couple of days. I have been trying to get the wonderful sex life we had back before our D was born for the last 7 yrs and now I think the battle is really starting to wear me out. So I go on but I don't know for how much longer.
When I stop to think about this it hurts but that it may come to this even with all of the hard work that I have put in for the last 11 months.
I am not ready to throw the towel in yet but I do feel that last straw coming.
Quote: I am having a very hard time keeping my heart open to all of this. Its very diffecult thinking that everytime you try and open your heart up that it will be stepped on. The more it happens the hard it is to open up again.
I am so pleased to hear that you are maintaining awareness of the need to constantly bear a loving and open heart. When I started to practice this myself, I had mine stomped on too so I know how hard it is to take.
But you know what, I fought on just like any other DB mission and after a several stompings, I learnt to take them and for the first time learnt what it was to have a loving heart. That was my biggest change in myself in this whole DB process.
I had decided that a new R with my W could not possibly ever succeed if we both shut down at times when love should prevail. It was up to me to make that decision to leave my heart open and where I am today, I will never, ever regret that decision. It will be 20 years M for us in a few weeks time. W was a serial shutter down. Now she always greets me with an open heart. Lee, it's the key to the secret.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Lee - just curious - why did she stop taking her meds? Did she think something about them was not making her feel well (unlikely, since she clearly wasn't too high if she sank so low so quickly after stopping) or did she start forgetting? I've often thought how difficult it is - someone who is really low thyroid probably shouldn't be entrusted to remember their medicine every day because we can get so forgetful - and then if you forget to take it, you get more forgetful!!!! My guess is her dose is probably still too low for her - do you know how much she's taking?
Suite, well I really do believe that is a huge problem with us. The problem is figuring out how to change that habit. I have been trying to just leave the heart open but it is so very difficult. I will have to think about this and see what I can come up with.
Ellie, I just think she got complacent with it all just forgot once and then it happened again and then bam. It has been 2 weeks and she is all over the place with everything. That comes to the root of the problem if I can't get her to get better then what?
