She seems to recognize my real change but seems to be reluctant to embrace it as real and lasting and worth taking a risk on.
Exactly, b/c she had already made up her mind to take steps at changing her future. The thought of taking the gamble at giving the M another chance is scary and she thinks (IMO) that if it fails again, she may not come out the second time as emotionally strong as she is now. IOW, she's come this far, and to take a risk at having to go through that pain again is about too much. Remember that this is how I think the WAW sees it.
I think the more she sees you becoming the man she fell in love with, the more she's going to feel frustrated. She may lash out in anger, but don't stop working on improving. Just remember what I told you about how you waited so long and now her plans may have a stumbling block......that being, the new and improved "you". It will be frustration and irration peppered with anger. I believe that some of those feelings are due to her experiencing feelings for you that she thought was over. That could spoil a girl's day! [/quote] This is very insightful. Thank you Sandi. My W had said the same thing to me a week after she left and this makes a lot of sense. So anger and frustration out of the blue may be a good thing?
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
This is very insightful. Thank you Sandi. My W had said the same thing to me a week after she left and this makes a lot of sense. So anger and frustration out of the blue may be a good thing?
Dont know why my quotes didnt work :P
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
So anger and frustration out of the blue may be a good thing?
Not trying to read her mind, but yes, IMHO, her overt signs of anger & frustrations, moodiness, sadness, and other emotions, usually means that her previous plans of getting a D and starting over.......well....it isn't going like she thought it would. She is beginning to see the man she fell in love with and it stirs up feelings that she was certain was dead. She doesn't want all of that to happen b/c it goes against her well-thought-out plans.
So, bear that in mind whenever she shows these signs and you have no clue "why or where" it came from. Take it as a positive step toward progress....
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Im still new to this DB community, but I'm going through a similar situation (except my H wants out, not me.) I've been comforted my reading your story and seeing other's suggestions and advice- they have given me something to think about
My H has been wanting a D for about a month. He's recently been showing more signs of being angry and frustrated about the process of separating... I wonder if he's realizing how hard this will actually be... the above posts have given me a new perspective
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I wonder if he's realizing how hard this will actually be
Possibly, but as a LBW, you cannot afford the luxuary of pointing out these things to your WAH. In fact, without any assistance from you...especially verbally, the better the spotlight is shown on his true source of the frustration.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the kinds words, 2. They are absolutely accurate in my case and I will re-read them often and will take them to heart, even though it is becoming more difficult to be patient. I am working my tail off and, although W has occassionally acknowledged my efforts (a small, positive sign), our R dynamic has changed very little.
The R continues to be up and down. Two days ago, my W invited me to join her and the kids in looking at Christmas lights. It was a short, fun trip. I took it as a positive. Later the same night, however, W brought up Christmas and said that spending several days together "as a family" felt "forced" and "awkward" because "of the situation between us" and that she feels "trapped" in the house. W said we don't talk about things. I said that I thought that is what she wanted. She said that is what she wants. W then said that I can do whatever I want but she has to take care of the kids. (This statement is totally false: W has been doing dinners and taking time whenever she wants and I have been fully supportive.) I validated but I could see in her eyes that she was very angry. (She rarely makes eye contact with me when we talk now and often is doing something else like watching TV or looking at the newspaper.) I told her that I cared for her tremendously and that Christmas is supposed to be a good time of year and that I was willing to set up the holidays in whatever way she wanted. I also told her I was willing to give her space to figure out the "situation between us" for herself (probably some backsliding there). I asked her to keep an open heart about the process. (More backsliding).
On the one hand, W has not mentioned D in several weeks. She sends me TMs with pictures of the kids, has been very encouraging about the possbility of a new work opportunity, and has noticed a few of my efforts around the house (I have addressed/fixed many things that in the past she said bothered her). On the other hand, she has not said anything indicating that she is thinking positively or at all about the R/M. Her heart seems closed off to me.
Since the S I have begun to excavate the real me. While my emotions are all over the place, mentally I am feeling as good as I have in a while. (W even commented on liking my attitude and seeing me be more confident.) The thing I am having such a hard time with is the slow pace of the process and being patient. I want to ask my W if all the work I've done means anything at all. (I won't, of course. Although I did say recently that all her complaints about me are pre-S. She didn't say anything in response.) I understand that any physical contact is no where near being on the table at this point.
Great advice regarding disappointment! Absolutely correct. I am doing these things for me. You're also correct that I am doing many of the things I am doing for my W (whether she notices or not). Regarding my new work opportunity, I have said that it is for me and the betterment of our family. Should I drop any comment regarding the second part?
So, bottom line, knowing that she is angry and frustrated about how long it has taking me to make many of the changes that she has requested, is there anything other than continuing to make changes and GAL that I can be doing to enourage her to keep an open heart to the R/M and not bolt? (Remember she filed for D a few weeks ago and then withdrew the filing without telling me, and she still hasn't told me. I have no idea if anything I have been doing caused her to reconsider or if there is a "sinister" motive.) Thank you again.
Thanks, Sandi. I believe you mentioned that you were a WAW at one point. If I may ask, at what point (I know it is not a precise thing) does the WAW want to engage the LBH in a conversation about the state of the R/M? (Meaninng both the present and the future.) Perhaps a better way to ask it is this: if a WAW is wrestling with the idea that she may want to consider giving her H/M another chance, how does that diaolgue get created and what role, if any, does the LBH play in the conversation?
In my case, my W never discusses her feelings about the R/M with me other than to say (as previously posted) things are "awkward." At times, I sense that she wants to try a S in two different residences but she does not know how to set it up to her satisfaction.
I know she is surprised by the changes I've made as a result of the S. I just don't if they are enough to get to reconsider a D. I'm looking for any wisdom you are willing to share. Thank you.
I hope all is well with you. For the LBS, this process is so difficult. In my case, my W told me she wants/wanted a D. She has/had an idealized version of how D works: get it done quickly. She met with a L and told him that there was nothing to fight about. Then she talked to me and her ideas about what was fair and mine were not the same. She got upset and accused me of wanting to make things difficult. I told her that I only wanted equal access to the kids and if we could not agree on that then we would not be able to settle and the case would have to go to trial. She got frustrated because she said her L told her it would take one year to get a trial date. In short: the way she thought a D would work (quick and easy) is not the way it will work unless she agrees to make concessions that she does not want to make. She is also angry and frustrated because I have made a series of changes that she has been asking me to make. She has asked me "why did it take you so long?"
As several wise posters have written, the breakdown of the M did not take place overnight, so the rebuilding will not take place over night. Work hard on your 180s and GAL. Be patient. Fight for your M. Good luck.
Sandi, let me ask a possibly very dumb question: what can a LBH say (verbally) to a WAW? I know a LBH can speak with his actions, for example, 180s, etc., but is there ever a time when he can say something to attempt to get a WAW to focus on his changes or the improvements in the R/M? (Something like, hey, I'm working my tail off her and I've made some real progress. Does that make any impact on you?)
It will be 
[/quote] 