Our story

[kolja]

Well, like most of you, I never thought I would be here. But I'm glad a place like this exists.

My wife and I have only known each other for about 2 1/2 years. We've been married 16 months. It moved fast - at the time I had suggested we go a little slower, but this is what she wanted. And to be honest I knew she was the woman I wanted to be with so I went along with her timing - and still don't regret it. It's the second marriage for us both.

Initially after getting married things were good between us. She seemed increasingly unhappy at work - but then, lots of people are. In retrospect, stressed with my job myself, I was not as supportive as I could have been. But when, early last December, she asked if she could quit, I readily agreed in order for her to be happy. And for a few weeks she was - grateful to me in private, and telling everyone what a great husband she had for allowing her not to work.

But soon enough she was unhappy again - only with no job to blame, I was evidently the reason. There were other factors of course. Differing attitudes toward alcohol have had a huge impact - even though we both drank when we dated, as we settled into a more domestic life things got different. I come from a family where mom has a glass or two of wine almost every night; dad has a beer or two, OR a mixed drink or two, most nights. No one ever got out of hand, nothing bad ever happened. This was how I was brought up. But, after we'd been married 5 months, my wife said that although she had tried, she just couldn't get comfortable with it.

She comes from a different background - her birth father left when she was an infant, and as I recall hearing, was a bad drunk. Her mother had some dysfunctional relationships while she was growing up. There was a grandfather who was a bad, and abusive drunk, and her first husband had severe issues with all sorts of substance abuse, was physically abusive, and eventually got another woman pregnant while they were still married. Perhaps due in large part to this sort of experience, what for me was normal, casual enjoyment of a beer or two on a day to day basis (and yes, occasionally a few more) was to her a sign of a problem. After she told me this in January I scaled way back, almost never drinking at home and not going out nearly as much as I used to. But she was already starting to withdraw and withhold affection.

One Friday afternoon in February I suggested we go out that night. She said to go ahead, she wasn't feeling well. I said if that was the case, we could stay in and rent a movie. That's when she said she just didn't want to hang around me. It was a tough pill to swallow, and I was already frustrated by the way things were starting to go, so I went out to dinner myself. No, it wasn't a wicked bender. I had a few beers with dinner and a couple more at another joint - 4-6 over about 5 hours. And got pulled over on the way home.

She was of course not pleased but there was no talk of leaving or divorcing.

In March, she came down to Las Vegas when I was there for work. We had a good time, and were even intimate for the first time since December. But when she looked at our account (joint), she was convinced I had spent too much the REST of the time I was there, and that this was further sign of a problem (after my arrest, I was screened and found to have no sign of a pattern of abuse). I was also to find out MUCH later (9 months later) that an intimate conversation before she made the trip to join me had actually crossed a comfort line for her that she never told me about.

At some point in the late winter and early spring our sporadic sleeping in separate beds (as we tried to find a mattress we BOTH liked - and she doesnt sleep well anyway...) became permanent. After getting back from this trip, she ranted about the money (it didn't put us in extremis or anything, but in retrospect she was justified - I DID spend too much on that trip) and said she had briefly thought about leaving. Note that she never mentioned any other problems other than spending too much on a trip and thinking I had a drinking problem. Although in retrospect, all this time, I was still bringing stress home with me from work and was probably not as emotionally available as I should have especially given all the challenges I seemed to be doing a really good job of inflicting.

Instead of leaving she consented to go to counseling. We had two couples' sessions. In one of them (as well as in a conversation at home), she mentioned she thought she had some depression issues. She was referred to an individual counselor as well - and to my knowledge made 2 visits there as well. I DID learn a few of the other things that had been bothering her that I could start to work on, at least.

In late May I was sent to Alaska to help run an exercise. We seemed to keep in touch alright, though I was to find out she thought I STILL spent too much going out to eat there, even though I thought I had scaled it back. I was home for all of two days (during which I was criticized for my Alaska spending) before being sent to Italy for a deployment related to the non-war in Libya that only rarely made the news. We kept in touch fairly well, with only one disagreement coming over a new lawn mower we bought that I didn't think we needed.

When I got home (having missed our first anniversary), I asked if she had kept up with her individual counseling and she said she had only gone a couple times. I asked if she wanted to resume couples counseling and, despite the fact the first visit at least made what I thought was a noticeable improvement, she said she didn't think it had made any difference.

She was more withdrawn. With her closest friends or her family she still seemed OK, smiling laughing and all that, but at home she slept in late, stayed up late, and seemed to spend almost all her time just watching TV. She often had migraines. She DID take up horse riding and I was hopeful this would help her happiness. Concerned that the counseling had not helped her depression and that it might be more serious, I once asked if in any point when talking to doctors about her sleep problems she had asked about depression, and she reacted angrily, suggesting that I get counseling myself since I was the one who was all fouled up (she didn't say 'fouled' exactly).

Meanwhile, over the summer, her spending went kind of wild. Shopping, mainly. Eating out with friends. Spending the same amount of money every month that she had gotten so angry at me over when I was in Vegas.

In what I've subsequently learned was a mistake, my response to her distance and occasional hostility was to try to be more affectionate. She even TOLD me that was pushing her away, but it made no sense to me (still intellectually doesn't make a lot of sense to me yet), and was so ingrained - having always been under the impression that you should still be able to kiss your wife goodnight and tell her you love her even if the two of you are mad at each other - that it was hard to turn off.

In late October she made a girls trip to Vegas. She didn't communicate much. In pictures her friend posted, she was out in the clubs without a ring. She posed for pictures with male show dancers, standing closer than she's stood to me for months, smiling like I USED to get to see. Pictures with random dudes at the hotel pool. I don't THINK any physical cheating actually happened but it was tough to see. Especially since she was spending money I was earning.

When she came home, I told her how I felt her doing all this shopping, traveling, partying and publicizing it - posting it for everyone to see when everyone knows she doesn't work - without so much as a 'thanks!' for earning the money to make it all possible was a little disrespectful. We had a bit of a blow out when she came home over the sleeping arrangements, as I had grown tired of my banishment to the guest bedroom.

In late November and early this month I was in Las Vegas again for work. After wishing me a happy birthday on the 30th and telling me we'd celebrate when I got home, on the 5th she emailed to say she wanted a divorce, would be out at the end of the month and gave a brief explanation. The first thing she mentioned was the DUI (which was resolved months ago as reckless driving) and that she still thought drinking was a problem. She then unearthed our intimate discussion from March and suggested that I may not know exactly what I want. She said she hadn't told her family just yet because of the holidays and her sister's upcoming wedding, but that she wanted it to move fast. She said she wouldn't take me to the cleaners, but when I inquired as to how much support she thought she would want, she initially said $1600 a month for a year or $20,000. We talked about that for quite a while - and the demand sounded so outlandish that I consulted an attorney just to wise up on the laws here (at least I'm not THAT exposed to risk if she goes all the way through with this).

When I came home last week, she headed out Saturday, saying she was doing some errands and then was going to stay with a friend. I had my first coaching session with Chuck Monday morning, learned a bit about the last resort technique (the copy of DB I ordered hasn't shown up yet - too bad I couldn't find it as an e-book). He was a great help and I already look forward to the next one. At his suggestion, I put the question of where I would go for the holidays and her sisters wedding in her hands. Turns out I won't be around for either - but I AM going to go visit my folks and sister for Christmas, and am looking forward to that. I've done well at minimizing contact, letting her initiate it, but being polite when she does. She's tried to restart the spousal maintenance argument via email (she prefers to communicate with email or text message), but without passion, argument, or accusations I relayed what my attorney told me - without telling her I'd actually seen an attorney, and suggested she might really want to consult someone to see just how realistic and reasonable her expectations were.

Well, I've rambled a bit. I'm sure the new-person-post-reviewer has their work cut out for them. I've already perused the success stories thread, which was great for refreshing me after the wrenching attorney consultation. I look forward to hearing what you all have to say - I have a few near term questions to throw out to whoever listens and has a couple cents to throw in (at least till I can ask Chuck again). And I definitely look forward to getting my hands on the book!