Well friends, followers, fellow DBers and 25yearmlc - Today has been the strangest 24 hour period since the bomb dropped in September. By a long shot.
First there was the lawyer letter that dropped the hope that I had been secretly harboring. "Secretly" - WTF am I kidding? Anyhow, my anger and sadness hit an all time high. Then my lawyer crafted a retort that made me feel a little better, but is more like a counter-measure. Then I discover W has not been paying condo fee and wants to foreclose on it. Good-bye solid credit rating. Though the rent we collect covers the mortgage - so I hope logic prevails on that one. And just when I think I can't feel any farther away, any angrier, any less important to my W - the unthinkable happens. She texts me to tell me she is taking our S to the Children's Hospital Emergency Room. He was having extreme intestinal pain all day and it was off the chart. I dropped everything at work and left for the hospital.
During the drive, it hit me how uncomfortable this might be given recent events - but then it hit me harder that my son needs his daddy right now - and I don't care if W has to be there, too - I was going to be there for him. Period. Always.
I got to the ER and and made it back to the room to find my son in his diaper clinging pitifully to my W as she sat in a chair. With an ounce of apprehension, I walked in. I picked up my S and he wrapped his arms around me and put his sweet little head on my shoulder - he was not feeling well at all. Right as I arrived, it was time for him to get stomach x-rays. So while I was holding him, the plopped me into a wheelchair and walked us down a few halls - W right behind me. I had already said "hi" to wife and asked how he had been doing....really, really, bad constipation.
The x-ray tech wrapped W and I in lead smocks and neck guards, we both comforted our S for a bit and then had to put him on the x-ray table. Odd, we were working as a team. We held him in place as they took the pictures. He cried openly and bitterly during the whole time - we did the best we could to reassure and comfort him. I scooped him up off the table and held him to calm him down - once he was settled, my wife took him and we all wheelchair'd back to his room. I was upbeat, positive and engaging with the staff during the time - didn't want to spook my kid or let W think I was freaking out (about HER or the baby). Then - the waiting in his room begins.
We took turns holding him and talking about what was going on with his constipation and diet.....how he had been doing in general, and so on. I was the most time we had spent in one place without arguing about R and D since September. I made eye contact, and was confident, relaxed and honest. Then something really weird happened.
W: "Funny, I'm used to you being on your BlackBerry all the time"
Me: (faint smile) "Well, I'm over it".
She didn't say anything about it after that. But I really had no desire or drive to whip out my phone and start screwing around. We kept talking. She asked how my dad's recovery from colon cancer was going, she asked how my mom was dealing with the stress of my dad being sick, she asked about my (her) niece and nephew (who both LOVED her). I took off my winter coat and then she asked me how work was going for me. I told her is was going unbelievably well (it is) and that the product that I recently launched is selling well and will be appearing in national ads on major networks at the end of the month. I told her I had been work with our ad agencies in Los Angeles, doing some neat things, and getting a lot of exposure and recognition. Then she said - "that sounds awesome, I know how important being successful is to you". I looked at her and said "I have learned that there are things that are much more important than my career." She said "isn't it funny how when you realize that the career starts getting better?". I just agreed. She then said, "well it's good that something good is happening in a bad situation", clearly referring to "us" - that sorta brought me down a bit.
In that moment, and I am actually getting choked up here a bit, it was like normal again. And my soul breathed a deep sigh of much needed relief. It that moment, it was like we were a family again. She and I taking care of our son together. Comforting him when he is in pain. Changing his diapers, stroking his hair and letting him rest on our chests as he fell asleep. And I knew it would not last. I knew that when it was all over, when the conversation ended and we left the hospital - we would be back to the mess we're living in. But for that one moment, I had hope - and I got to be a husband and father again and I knew, I felt how much my heart has missed it - and wants it back again.
We went out into the hallway and reviewed his x-rays with the radiologist - he's gonna be OK. We asked a few questions - made sure he was OK, and went back into the room and packed up our stuff. I carried the baby and she actually grabbed my backpack and handed it to me. We walked out together, baby in her arms, and went our separate ways. As I was walking away she look at our S and said "give daddy a kiss!" - I walked back and claimed my little prize from my son and that was the end. She turned and walked away.
I tried to present as best as I could, I interacted lovingly with my S (she hasn't seen how much we've bonded over the last 3 months), I was upbeat, I avoided ALL relationship/"us" talk, she noticed I didn't even touch my BlackBerry and made a comment, I tried a subtle 180 ("I've learned there are things more important than my career" - "I'm over it" re: my BlackBerry), I didn't touch her at all, and I did not ask about her life. I also didn't go into a lot of detail on mine.
I guess what I am saying is that I hope that maybe she saw that I am trying to make some meaningful changes based on what she didn't like. Maybe for a second she missed her husband, and her family being together - even though in a negative (yet loving) circumstance.
I don't know where everyone is with God, and maybe he had nothing to do with it. But on a day when I thought nothing could be worse between us and we are heading off the rails at the speed of light - this happens. And we have the first "talk" we've had in months. Doesn't mean that we are "OK" or better than we were yesterday, or walking away from the lawyers......but maybe this happened to get us both to see each other and think a bit. I know I am. And I hope that maybe she is a little too.
