WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... Had a brief email from W this morning... actually, it was pretty clear she was annoyed with me. She texted me yesterday asking what else the kids need for Xmas and she was going to go shopping on Wed or Thu to finish up. Since it wasn't a priority I didn't reply to the text. Then I just flat out forgot about it so I never got back to her. So this morning I get a polite, yet edgy email asking the same set of questions. I let it sit until the afternoon and emailed her back.

Her tone in email and text while I've been gone has been very formal and cold. No idea why... detaching, confused, who knows. But today's emails, after I got back to her in the afternoon, had little inside jokes in them. She confuses me.

Last night was really good... My assistant is the first person, besides my boss, that I've told about my sitch. And my boss isn't the type you really talk to about this much. Anyway, as I said last night my assistant is in the middle of her own D. So it was just good to be able to share with another person in the flesh as it were.

I can't really decide how I feel right now. The last few days I've been fine most of the time, really great for a while, and then despondent. The sadness seems to come in waves and I can't really figure out why. By this point in a week-long work trip I'm always ready to come home, miss the kids, miss my house, and miss my W. And all of that is still true... but part of me has liked not having to deal with W every day. Just torn I guess. I ended up at a street fair today where they had all sorts of gifts for sale. So many tents had jewelry and things my W would love. But this is the first trip I've taken where I won't be bringing anything home for her. I've debated whether that's the right tack, but I think it is. The gifts would just be seen as pursuing so only the kids get gifts this time. Which also has me bummed... the hunt for just the right something for my W was always one of the highlights of my trips for me.

I also have found that I need to keep reminding myself that I'm very early in this process. While it's just past 3 months since she dropped the bomb that's still really nothing in the timeline. It feels like I've been doing this for years already, but really it's a long road and I'm only just starting out.

I have to say right now that I see no chinks in her armor and nothing but a full head of steam from her heading towards D. The brain part of me knows that she won't show me any second thought anyway, so looking for them is pointless. I just need to keep living my life and getting on with it.

I do have to say that this weekend might just be the end of me... a little poor planning on my part Tomorrow I have class all day, then travel back home through airports for six hours, have to drive 2 hours from the airport to my house, then head to my volunteer gig because I long ago volunteered to chaperon an overnight lock-in for the older youth. I'll get home probably noonish on Saturday (after having been awake for 30 hours) and I'm quite sure S will want to spend time with me since he hasn't seen me for a week. Then S and I are going to spend all day Sunday together and go bowling, out to lunch, and in the evening we have a special church service where he is signing in the all ages choir.