I hear you antlers/Drew - I guess I just don't want my son and I to lose the house and I can see where that could become a strong possibility. Like I said before, you work a lifetime to build these things - to share them with someone you love, and then they can just get wiped away in one fell swoop. It's hard to take.
Sorry I am being so negative. This is about the worst I have been in a few months. The odds of her slowing down seem pretty slim.
Here where we live, it's a 'no-fault' state, so nothing matters except that one person wants out of the marriage. Nothing else matters. The person who wants to end the marriage is able to benefit tremendously financially by doing so. The person who wants to save the marriage can get tremendously financially punished. That was the case with myself and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it except take it square on the chin. I hired an expensive attorney, one who was known locally as a 'go getter'. It didn't matter. The law is the law. I got my ass kicked up between my shoulders. And it was done by someone who once professed undying love for me. It plain sucked! On the other hand, I'm sure she felt justified. She had a lot of pain for a lot of years. I had promised to love and cherish her, and many times I didn't treat her like I did. I believe that often we are not aware of the amount of pain that we cause them. And when they have an opportunity to really kick our ass...they do!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I'm not as eloquent as many folks on this board, but you sure are getting some great help.
Reading this made me realize how the legal process is the part that scares me spitless. I spoke with 3 different lawyers, am prepared if my H ever does file. Hoping I never have to contact any of them again ;-)
My thoughts and prayers are with you now.
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Thanks everyone for your support, encouragement and kind words. Yesterday and today have been very tough and have made me feel like I have made ABSOLUTELY NO progress in my attempts to DB and/or save my marriage and family. Worse yet, it has slapped me square in the face with regard to the financial implications that may arise if this goes through to the end.
My L has drafted a retort that adds a bit more perspective and I am thankful for that. I am trying to calm myself back down and get back to a better place. I guess that this was just a cold bucket of water on my hopes that maybe....just maybe I was making a little bit of progress with my situation. In actuality, seems like I am not better off than I was on D day. Maybe, maybe not - I guess I am too wound up to offer a clean opinion right now. Is it worth it to keep DB'ing or am I just plain screwed right now? My heart it totally sunk right now.
All I can tell ya' right now is I understand the hurt that you're feeling, I'm sorry for you, I've been there, and I genuinely want things to get better for you...regardless of whether or not your marriage survives. Do the things that you're being told here. We know you don't want it, and so does she. She's not thinking about you. YOU have to think about you Crimson. All you can do right now is take care of you and your assets the best you can. You've been told what to do regarding taking care of you...that has not changed. You still need to do that no matter what. But realize that this thing is moving forward as of right now and there are certain steps you have to take and certain things you have to go through if it continues. You can control you, your actions, and your reactions...nothing else. Control what you can.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks everyone for your support, encouragement and kind words. Yesterday and today have been very tough and have made me feel like I have made ABSOLUTELY NO progress in my attempts to DB and/or save my marriage and family. ---
My L has drafted a retort that adds a bit more perspective and I am thankful for that. I am trying to calm myself back down and get back to a better place. --- I guess I am too wound up to offer a clean opinion right now. Is it worth it to keep DB'ing or am I just plain screwed right now?
how can Dbing not be worth it?
This marriage is not over by a long shot. 1/3 of divorces filed in this state don't ever get completed.
And btw, how does DBing hurt you or your cause? Why would you stop it? To give up? How does that help you at all?
You still protect yourself financially and legally, but you also DB your ass off.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well friends, followers, fellow DBers and 25yearmlc - Today has been the strangest 24 hour period since the bomb dropped in September. By a long shot.
First there was the lawyer letter that dropped the hope that I had been secretly harboring. "Secretly" - WTF am I kidding? Anyhow, my anger and sadness hit an all time high. Then my lawyer crafted a retort that made me feel a little better, but is more like a counter-measure. Then I discover W has not been paying condo fee and wants to foreclose on it. Good-bye solid credit rating. Though the rent we collect covers the mortgage - so I hope logic prevails on that one. And just when I think I can't feel any farther away, any angrier, any less important to my W - the unthinkable happens. She texts me to tell me she is taking our S to the Children's Hospital Emergency Room. He was having extreme intestinal pain all day and it was off the chart. I dropped everything at work and left for the hospital.
During the drive, it hit me how uncomfortable this might be given recent events - but then it hit me harder that my son needs his daddy right now - and I don't care if W has to be there, too - I was going to be there for him. Period. Always.
I got to the ER and and made it back to the room to find my son in his diaper clinging pitifully to my W as she sat in a chair. With an ounce of apprehension, I walked in. I picked up my S and he wrapped his arms around me and put his sweet little head on my shoulder - he was not feeling well at all. Right as I arrived, it was time for him to get stomach x-rays. So while I was holding him, the plopped me into a wheelchair and walked us down a few halls - W right behind me. I had already said "hi" to wife and asked how he had been doing....really, really, bad constipation.
The x-ray tech wrapped W and I in lead smocks and neck guards, we both comforted our S for a bit and then had to put him on the x-ray table. Odd, we were working as a team. We held him in place as they took the pictures. He cried openly and bitterly during the whole time - we did the best we could to reassure and comfort him. I scooped him up off the table and held him to calm him down - once he was settled, my wife took him and we all wheelchair'd back to his room. I was upbeat, positive and engaging with the staff during the time - didn't want to spook my kid or let W think I was freaking out (about HER or the baby). Then - the waiting in his room begins.
We took turns holding him and talking about what was going on with his constipation and diet.....how he had been doing in general, and so on. I was the most time we had spent in one place without arguing about R and D since September. I made eye contact, and was confident, relaxed and honest. Then something really weird happened.
W: "Funny, I'm used to you being on your BlackBerry all the time"
Me: (faint smile) "Well, I'm over it".
She didn't say anything about it after that. But I really had no desire or drive to whip out my phone and start screwing around. We kept talking. She asked how my dad's recovery from colon cancer was going, she asked how my mom was dealing with the stress of my dad being sick, she asked about my (her) niece and nephew (who both LOVED her). I took off my winter coat and then she asked me how work was going for me. I told her is was going unbelievably well (it is) and that the product that I recently launched is selling well and will be appearing in national ads on major networks at the end of the month. I told her I had been work with our ad agencies in Los Angeles, doing some neat things, and getting a lot of exposure and recognition. Then she said - "that sounds awesome, I know how important being successful is to you". I looked at her and said "I have learned that there are things that are much more important than my career." She said "isn't it funny how when you realize that the career starts getting better?". I just agreed. She then said, "well it's good that something good is happening in a bad situation", clearly referring to "us" - that sorta brought me down a bit.
In that moment, and I am actually getting choked up here a bit, it was like normal again. And my soul breathed a deep sigh of much needed relief. It that moment, it was like we were a family again. She and I taking care of our son together. Comforting him when he is in pain. Changing his diapers, stroking his hair and letting him rest on our chests as he fell asleep. And I knew it would not last. I knew that when it was all over, when the conversation ended and we left the hospital - we would be back to the mess we're living in. But for that one moment, I had hope - and I got to be a husband and father again and I knew, I felt how much my heart has missed it - and wants it back again.
We went out into the hallway and reviewed his x-rays with the radiologist - he's gonna be OK. We asked a few questions - made sure he was OK, and went back into the room and packed up our stuff. I carried the baby and she actually grabbed my backpack and handed it to me. We walked out together, baby in her arms, and went our separate ways. As I was walking away she look at our S and said "give daddy a kiss!" - I walked back and claimed my little prize from my son and that was the end. She turned and walked away.
I tried to present as best as I could, I interacted lovingly with my S (she hasn't seen how much we've bonded over the last 3 months), I was upbeat, I avoided ALL relationship/"us" talk, she noticed I didn't even touch my BlackBerry and made a comment, I tried a subtle 180 ("I've learned there are things more important than my career" - "I'm over it" re: my BlackBerry), I didn't touch her at all, and I did not ask about her life. I also didn't go into a lot of detail on mine.
I guess what I am saying is that I hope that maybe she saw that I am trying to make some meaningful changes based on what she didn't like. Maybe for a second she missed her husband, and her family being together - even though in a negative (yet loving) circumstance.
I don't know where everyone is with God, and maybe he had nothing to do with it. But on a day when I thought nothing could be worse between us and we are heading off the rails at the speed of light - this happens. And we have the first "talk" we've had in months. Doesn't mean that we are "OK" or better than we were yesterday, or walking away from the lawyers......but maybe this happened to get us both to see each other and think a bit. I know I am. And I hope that maybe she is a little too.
Addendum: To clarify, it was still fairly obvious that W was keeping some of those stone cold walls up. But it felt like maybe she cracked a window just a bit. There were some periods of silence where we both just focused on our S.
I won't use this as a platform to "storm the castle" with calls, texts, and any other pursuing behaviors. Quite the opposite. I figure it would be best to stay pulled back and continue to work on me. Continue to try not to let lawyers and the D process send me into a panicky spiral of hopelessness. Continue to give her ample time and space. And continue to hope and pray that I can restore my family.
