What do I do next? Part 3

[Accuray]

it's really hard to be positive around my W because of what she's putting me through

YES! It's crazy hard. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. DB is NOT intuitive, it requires you to go AGAINST how you're feeling, and that's why it's hard! It sux so very much. BUT, it's better than getting angry, bitter, and resentful and stewing in that. It's shifting your mindset to rise above, to be the better man. The divorce is like a freight train, you can't do a thing about it right now, so you need to surrender to the process and trust your lawyer. That is all you can do, and wasting your emotional energy worrying about it will only make you feel worse. Luvhurts, your position is brutally hard, and no one will tell you that it isn't. Remember, YOU are deciding to embrace the DB approach, because it's better than anything else you could be doing right now.

But I really don't think that my W feels unhappy right now. I mean, she has her OM, she's feel to do whatever she wants, she's convinced that's she made the right decision, and she's convinced that we will both be better off apart.

You know she's unhappy based on how she's treating the kids. If she were happy with herself, would she be acting that way? The OM relationship is not real, it's based on a fantasy. I guarantee you that's starting to crumble by now. The stuff that she thought was cute before is now getting annoying, it's raising doubts, and that is going in both directions.

In addition, she's being mean to you. Think back in your life, were you ever happy with yourself when you were being mean to someone? Even if you felt they deserved it, if you saw that they were in pain, deep down didn't that evoke some feelings of guilt?

You've said that she's saying crazy things like you're trying to take the kids away from her when you've done nothing to suggest that. I'm SURE she realizes deep down that she's making you out to be the villain when you are not, and that makes her very uncomfortable. That's a fantasy that she's clinging to -- she's probably starting to realize there are some holes in it, and she doesn't like that.

If she didn't care about you, she wouldn't bother to be mean to you -- you wouldn't even be on her radar screen. If she were truly done with you, she'd probably treat you with compassion -- why not?

The way she's treating the kids and you should tell you more than anything else that she is not at peace -- she's in crisis. Who wouldn't be in her situation?

If you can shift your perspective and see her as someone who is hurt, scared, and trying to keep it together the only way she knows how, you may get some comfort by interpreting what she says and does differently.

What if you told her "I can imagine this is very difficult for you, if there's a way I can work with you to make this process easier let me know what it is. It's important to me to continue to be a father, and I would like you to continue to be a mother. I would not try to take the kids away from you, and I would hope that you feel the same. How can we make this easier on both of us? We both want to be happy."

Then *listen* to what she has to say, validate it, and see if there's something there you can work with. If she comes at you with something crazy or spiteful, be the better man -- "I can see you're in pain right now. Why don't you give it some thought and if you want to discuss it later we can."

Think about how you would have interacted with her before, the things that drove her nuts, and do a 180 -- don't talk over her, don't keep arguing until you're "right", demonstrate that you are not the man she expects.

Accuray