elsewhere you asked about dating. You said you are sure you want your m to work out. You also said it felt good to know that another person cared and I think you mean it feels good to know OWs find you attractive. Yes
I get that. You are lonely and needy. YES!!!!!!
But you have a goal in mind AND your w has some real problems she's getting help for. She feels pretty bad about herself. I cannot see how dating OWs in your situation would be a good idea at this point GIVEN the above.Yes this makes good sense. I am lonley and the subject of another relationship came up through a close female friend. I was sharing my thoughts with the DB crowd seeking input, and confronting this issue for the first time really.
Originally Posted By: rickb89
My W is going through a huge crisis and breakdown. I won't go into the details of what lead to this major crisis as I have outlined them in previous posts, but know that she has major childhood trauma in her life that is erupting in a big way now and she is doing her best to face it yet still completely controlled by it. Her leaving me but still living together is where the DB'ing comes into play.
She's like an unpredictable tide that come in and out, but you don't know when or how big of a tide or what state it will be in. I'm not a psychiatrist nor do I have any training in this so it is very hard to know what to do, all the while DB'ing because of our living together separated status. I am just letting her be, do whatever she needs to do, and quietly there for her, all the while GAL, DB'ing, raising three sons, running a real estate company, writing a novel collaborating with a girl in London with a publishing deadline, am part of an amazing yoga group. rick your life sounds like it did before and that's fine. But you almost seemed to be complaining here, as if your life is worse b/c of your w---and I know you are hurt but--[color:#33FF33]what is happening here ^^^ that would not happen with or without your w? Other than feeling rejected, which I'm not making light of, how is your life worse for this?
I was more just journaling and sharing here. Nonetheless my life is very different since the bombing and now I'm complaining! It is worse since the bomb for me in ways other than the practical. Regardless of the issues we have pre-bomb and after I miss sharing my life with her so much. I miss the constant sharing our days and it being part of our life together. I miss sharing the day to day stuff - the things we have in common, sharing the kids, our long talks, our history, things together - movies, books, music, travel, etc. Regardless of the tough issues we were living with, I shared my soul with her all along. For me, I remember the good despite the tough and while there were issues all along, there was good all along too. I feel like I might if I were widowed, and her ghost is in the house and I can see it all the time.
true-As a father your sons are hurt and bothered and I get that. But practically speaking you are pretty much going ahead and living your life the same as before, right? Did I misread this?
On the surface I am doing just that, but with taking on the duties my W used to do as well. So, it's gotten more complicated in terms of logistics but I've figured it out. On a more comical note learning to cook was quite an adventure, but when I started relating it to carpentry which I'm good at, it all started to fall into place.... measure twice, cut once. You are right that practically things are going on steadily. The emotional part and soul level stuff are parts of my life needing a lot of work in this sitch.
Maybe you are counting your blessings. I could not tell...just curious.
I was just letting people know where I am, and that I am GAL. Funny you should say counting my blessings. I just heard a beautiful song in which the singer said " I need no blessings, but I'm counting mine...". A great reminder for me!
[/color] When my W talks to me she can literally experience an amazing range of emotions in one sentence - kind of like the four seasons all at once. She's been in suicide phase through this, escapism, depression, euphoria, rage, you name it. Today she said that I should find someone else because she is no good to anybody anymore, that she has lost everything.
the OM is probably out of the picture and she thinks she's done too much damage to your m to "come home."
[color:#33CC00]I wish! Meaning, the OM out of the picture. As far as I can tell, and I don't stalk the situation anymore, he's still in the picture.
Your stability is crucial now more than ever. Being light hearted around her will demonstrate that ALL IS NOT LOST...you two CAN come back from this. Maybe rent a comedy, or do/see something she enjoys. Nothing heavy. Get her endorphins up. A back massage with no strings attached? Laughing, playing a game with sons, bowling--whatever SHE loves doing. [/color] I have really been able to be stay lighthearted for her, and yes I can see my stability is so crucial right now. There is some big earthquake going on inside her right now. For example, she burst into my home office yesterday screaming loudly that she needed me in an emergency. I dropped what I was doing and went to her aid which as it turned out was she was in a hurry to complete something for her job and needed me to show her how to backup pictures to a memory stick. The emotion she displayed was as if aliens had landed in our front yard. All the while screaming at our poor dog for barking at her (he was freaked out by her too), and telling me how I am last person she should be asking for help because of how horrible she is to me.
I told her not to worry about me, that I know what I am doing, and that she should keep working on herself right now. I said that's she's lost right now but she has not lost anything. From a DB point of view I think I played it pretty cool, but still showing support.
Spend more time listening and less time correcting her perceptions...do you get that
[color:#66FF99][color:#66FF99]I'm not sure then. The more you share with me I think I am starting to get it but I will say that this is tough. Pretty much anyone who shares some issue with me I immediately think of how can I help fix it, or offer thoughts in that light. I think I am going to have to stop myself from responding as per habit. Maybe a mental count till three or something before speaking. This one is really hard for me, but I have to get this. I even do this to myself. Fix this, fix that. Seriously, my earliest memories were thoughts on how I could fix the world. It's been with me all along.[/color]
Men tend to think when we women express pain, we must want it fixed. Usually we do not. I've got to get this!!!!!! We want to express our emotions and then process them and this is how we do it. If I say "I feel sad b/c I gained 10 lbs and feel fat and dread seeing my old friends" and you say "Don't feel bad b/c you look fine", you have also just told me I don't have the right to feel bad b/c I should not and that the topic doesn't even warrant more discussion. Why are M and W so different this way? Honestly, if you hadn't told me I would never think this is how it works for women.
God I need the 2" * 4" for this! However, and you will be glad to note she did bring up this exact topic this morning, i.e. she feels fat and out of shape. I resisted, put the tongue brakes on and told her I feel sorry that she feels that way. In my mind I could hear her thinking..."Hey you didn't deny it, you do think I'm fat!". In the past I would have said my typical responses... you look beautiful, come back to yoga with me and you'll feel great, etc.
See, that can feel like you are telling us what to feel, which does nothing to change how we feel so in effect our feelings are dismissed and the topic gets changed. In a way you never meant, it's the net effect of saying "Shut up, you are wrong"...
Jesus, I didn't mean it that way!!!!!
I hope you can understand what I'm saying and not get defensive. It's an observation about your situation and your w and your desire to control things so much...I may be repeating myself but you know, it's fine to ask her what she needs from you. I not feeling defensive at all so thanks for your excellent input. Control things? It sounds so creepy this way, but you have me thinking. I think given my background (very tough in ways equal to my wife's) I do think I think of everything in terms of making something work or as some sort of challenge, i.e overcome this or it overcomes you. I'm thinking out loud here. Need to think about this.
"How can I help?" Instead of denying what she just finished saying... [/color] Okay. I will try this out.
I thought about whether her knowing from me that she has not lost anything may not be the best DB approach but this stuff happens at light speed and I'm responding to her wild swinging emotions at the time. well you are human and that's fine. But I would say you need to listen a whole lot more and not worry so much about correcting her perceptions. Her doctor is there for that. Also, are her suicidal ideations being reported to him or are those old feelings?
[color:#33CC00]I think these are old feelings but I worry that she might be hiding it if she feels it now. You see, last time she was public about this (August) she really had a hard time with knowing that others knew it. She's caught in a dilemma. She is seeing that how she kept everything buried in her hurt her so much, so when she let her thoughts on suicide out it was very foreign territory for her. She actually disappeared for four days that time and it was a very stressful time. She has expressed her feelings to her psychiatrist. What's tough for me is that what goes on between her and her doctor is confidential. What I know I know by her telling me. This is difficult because she plays out some of her issues on him too - the sultry siren who has that special connection to men. I hear this guy is very good and from what I get from her he is doing well with her issues. In fact he wants to see her daily but she can't do it practically. Just the fact that she is going to anyone is an amazing thing for her so I pray for time to do its healing.
Have you read 9lives thread? His wife took her life. Check his thread out sometime. [/color]
I will, but am apprehensive given the ending.
On one hand maybe the fear of losing everything may be the impetus for her to work her way back to me and family, but on the other hand she was so incredibly down that I didn't want her to feel like she blew it all.
it won't motivate her, it'll overwhelm her.
Make sure the road home is paved and smooth. Make sure she is getting the help she needs.
Did you watch the Marilyn Monroe movie? (See it but Do not take your wife to see it, imo)
I haven't seen it but will find it and watch it alone.
good luck Rick
and btw, don't do any dating soon. Your w sounds unstable to me.
SIDENOTE
did anyone ever confront the cousin? Does he say it's all innocent and that he was simply a shoulder for her to cry on?
I spoke to him once very early on and he sounded very innocent of any wrongdoing at the time. That was after my W got caught lying to me about being with her friends for a weekend and was really with him. He said he did not know she had lied to me and that in his view her coming to his place was just a way for her to get away from it all. That sounded reasonable to me but that was before someone hacked her email (I still dont' know who did this or why)and sent me emails from him to her that I could not in any way take as just being friends. That was before the hundreds of secret phonecalls, the mystery birth control of hers, the secret meetings in NY, and some other stuff. I'm just saying... that if they have gone this route of deception, the evidence certainly supports an affair. If one of my cousins wive's started showing up at my house I would talk to my cousin, i.e hey are you okay, what can I do, are you okay with this, etc. I wouldn't send her romantic emails, and hide hundreds of calls to her behind his back. BTW, his brother learned of this without my input and really confronted him, about a month ago. My cousin in Penn said that there is no PA, but was very defensive about the amount of contact they have, i.e we talk once in a while (reality - up to three hrs/day). Maybe this is really just two people in dire need finding help in each other. He's currently suffering from his second wife leaving him, custody battle, etc so the altrustic part of me says this might be just this only.
I bet that is how it started. He seemed safe in part b/c of his youth. We're the same age!
Innocent, idealistic and not capable of using someone...(in her eyes that is)
