Well, I'm back...with bright red face.

[Psych77]

Well, life is getting really fun, now! Our marriage is like living on a roller coaster, and I am trying to stay anchored on solid ground instead of hanging on for the ride.

Last Sunday night W woke up late and told me that she had a bad pain in her abdomen, right around her navel. She asked me to look at it. I did, but then I tried to touch it to determine its consistency. BIG mistake. She blew up, said, "I just told you...oh, f*** it, forget it!" And she stormed out of the room. After giving her a few minutes, I tried to come out and apologize, but she told me I was "the last person I want to talk to now." Well, I at least know enough about W to realize that when she says "Go away," she means it. So, I went back to bed, while she sat up.

The next I heard from her was on the phone. She was calling from the hospital. She had driven herself to the ER to be checked out, and they admitted her with (we would find out later) was an abdominal hernia. Right, for a pregnant woman! She's only second trimester, and not even showing. She was calling me to tell me I needed to stay home from work and take care of the kids, since she (obviously) couldn't. When she called later with the diagnosis, I asked if there was anything I could do for her. I threw myself (and the kids) into getting the house cleaned up, giving her as little work to do as possible, as she couldn't be lifting anything.

W has a "gift" for getting injuries while pregnant. Slips and falls, twisted hips, other major pains that limited her mobility. And in the past, I have failed to take care of her, pick up the extra housework and other needs, when she has been less able. I knew this was wrong, but this time I resolved to do it right. I was going to rally the kids, organize them so that each would have a reasonable amount of work to do every day, and, ideally the house would "run itself" for W.

Well, I worked like a nutcase that day, addressing exactly what she was complaining about. While I haven't nearly got things organized enough for the house to run effortlessly for W, I have made strides.

W came home that afternoon early, having not slept all night (anyone who has been in a hospital for a stay can understand why). Her manner toward me was softer than it had been for a while, and she was visibly tired. I encouraged her to go to bed, I cooked dinner (had been working on that between my housework I had tackled, so it was in the crock pot), and took the kids out of the house to finish their Christmas shopping, so there would be no disturbances. When she woke up dinner was set, and we ate.

W remained softer toward me, although there was no affection between us (I can't believe how hard it is not to seek that, once we got a few times where it got better), for a few days.

Then, yesterday, W started to become cold and sharp again. S10 is in a school band, and had a concert last night, so we went. Before we even left I could hear the difference in her voice. Same son had also really gotten on board when I tried to get them to help with housework, and as we drove there, I told W how helpful he had been and how he had thrown himself into doing his part. W agreed that he was usually a good helper, and then, in a lower voice, in a sarcastic tone, "Yeah, it's amazing how the kids rally when you actually decide to help me...when you co-parent instead of leaving me to be a single parent for 18 years!" She said it low enough that the kids couldn't hear her, but I heard.

I know that she is having issues trusting a change she has been looking for over the years, and she is probably confused as to "why now?" Doesn't know when the other shoe is going to drop, waiting for me to drop my efforts. I know she is struggling with her own issues and pain. It's just painful for me to meet coldness at best, and hostility at worst, when I am trying to make changes to make things better for both of us.

I guess I am getting payback. There have been a lot of times when I made a token effort during crisis times and gotten rewards back immediately, only to lose the resolve later when the marriage crisis passed. I probably deserve this now. But it's still sometimes discouraging.

One good thing that has come out of this is that I am finally getting to the point where I am OK wherever things are. I really want our marriage back, but now I am realizing that if she doesn't love me anymore, I will live. I am a big boy, and will not fall apart. My life will not lose all meaning. I will live my life. I will pick up and carry on. It would not be my preference, but I can take it regardless of how W responds to me.

Thanks for listening.