First post, words of wisdom needed

[Valeska19]

I am just wondering if the DBing principles still apply when you are dealing with a partner that is extremely depressed and has PTSD? I am so scared to detach because I feel like she really needs me right now and if I am not there she will find someone else or resent me for it in the future. One of her complaints about me is that there have been times in the past when she needed me and I was not there.

I understand your fear. I feared it too. But you have to realize the difference between being there vs. trying to save her.

When people suffer from depression or addiction or whatever, the spouse starts out trying to be supportive.. but it's easy to become so supportive that we lose ourselves. And when we support so much, we begin to enable, and that is NOT love.

Realize that people will those kind of problems will believe what they want, resent how the want, feel what they want.. because they have issues and its VERY easy to place blame.

Which is why it is so important for you to look within and realize the reasons behind your actions.

You have to realize when you are doing things out of fear vs. doing them out of love.

You have to realize when you are caretaking or when you are caregiving.

Here is a great caretaking vs. caregiving list.

Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating. Caregiving feels right and feels like love. It re-energizes and inspires you.
Caretaking crosses boundaries. Caregiving honors them.
Caretaking takes from the recepient or gives with strings attached; caregiving gives freely.
Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.
Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem solving capabilities.
Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker. Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
Caretakers tend to attract needy people. Caregivers tend to attract healthy people. (Hint: We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).
Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”
Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their caretaking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.


Realize that you CAN be there for your partner.. and she could completely resent you for that.

That the love she NEEDS may not match up with the love she WANTS.

I know it's a hard concept to grasp.. but I love my w every day. Most of the time she doesn't know how or why, and sometimes when she does.. she gets angry...

... but it's okay because I'm no longer helping her stay in that current state. If she chooses to crawl out of her hole, I will be there to help.. but she must crawl on her own. She must find reasons within herself to never want to go back.

So yes yes and YES, the DB principles still apply because it's all about working on ourselves. We work on ourselves to better love ourselves and to learn to love our spouses.

and IMVHO... DB principles are more important than ever in yours (and my) kind of sitches.