I'm feeling a little...I guess... weird. I don't really know how to explain it because I'm not really sure what it is. I don't think that I have felt it before.
I'm not even sure if it will last.
Last night there was a Christmas party for my Church community. I went over early to touch base with my pastor. He's my age and although we don't talk too much. I really enjoy the time spent with him.
He has helped me deal with the abusive aspects of my relationship with my w. He has helped me realize that I am worth something and how unhealthy it was for me to have all my self-worth wrapped up in one person's opinion of me.
We talked about the increase of w's interactions. He mentioned about how w has always controlled me and now that I'm breaking free, she feels like she is losing control.
Not making her out to be a bad person, but this is how our dynamic has always been... and now I'm actively changing it.
He brings up valid points.
He agreed that I may not be ready to be in her life right now and vice versa.
Anyway, sitting there having a great time and I get a text asking about if I took a certain ornament. I don't remember taking it as I was an emotional wreck the day I cleaned out my stuff from the storage unit.
But reason would be that if it's not in her stuff.. that It was probably put in my ornaments.
When I saw the text, I immediately went back to enjoying the party. I use the word "weird" because usually I look at them and give it more than a 2nd thought, how I should respond, what is the meaning behind her madness.. etc.
This time, I looked, and was... "Eh" and went back to my party. I don't really have a good answer for her question.. but more importantly I didn't really feel like talking to her. Not in a sad or depressing way... but because I was GALing and enjoying life with my church family.
I was laughing and enjoying life and in that moment....my w.. or her text message had no place in what I was doing.
From the Christmas party I went to a bar to have drinks with friends. I'm meeting a ton of new people and really enjoying all the new relationships I am building.
Went home. Put in a Christmas Movie and fell asleep instantly.
Woke up this morning. Usually if I don't respond to a text, I get nervous... that she will think that I was avoiding her or she will use it to not talk to me.
And I won't deny that the fear still exists deep within... but I still don't really want to respond.
Not because I am angry or because I am scared, but I have a life to live....
... and although the fear exists, the will to live my life is stronger. The will to move forward is growing.
... at least for now.
I don't know what is going through w's head right now. Sometimes I'm not sure what is going through mine.
But as weird as it feels, I just want to live life right now. My problems are not over, my struggles with my w not done.. but currently I just want to take time and enjoy all the good things that have come into my life.
I want to focus on where I am heading, not where I have been. Building upon the relationships that I have, vs mourning over ones lost.
Maybe.... just maybe .... I'm starting to get a small taste of detachment.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
