Hey Crimson, sorry about your sitch. It suxxxxx. Here's the thing. You must stop letting W and her L affect your emotions. It is NOT helping you in any way to wallow in that.
Negotiation is a game. Imagine if your L spent extra hours agonizing over each counteroffer, giving himself an ulcer and wailing, how could Other L say that about my client? What is he thinking? Why doesn't he see my side of things? Boo hoo. Five minutes of reading, five days of agony. Ridiculous, huh?
They are simply doing their job. Unfortunately their job makes this ugly thing that's happening even uglier. You do not have to add to it by creating additional drama in your head and trying to interpret it. (I'm sorry, this hurts, it's awful, but don't make it harder on yourself.)
First of all, truth is what is documented. Now you know that. So document what you have paid for so far and going forward. Keep receipts. If you give her cash, document it or get a receipt, not in a punitive way. When L says "you aren't contributing enough" don't get mad or emotional, or wonder WHY he's saying that, just return a spreadsheet that demonstrates that you are or aren't. That's the truth. Does you no good to get mad or sad.
Second, this is a game. Not to you, not to W, but to the lawyers their job is to UNEMOTIONALLY get the most and best for their client. If you're going to react emotionally every time they move a chess piece you are going to give yourself an ulcer and for no good at all.
You will probably be able to handle this better if you look past the wrangling and just try to survive through it. Breathe. Let it happen, and document the truth - expenses, pickup times, dropoff times, activities, whatever might be needed. It suxx but there it is. You're in the process of a divorce.
Might she change her mind at this point and come back? It's not impossible. There are people who've even gone all the way through divorce and come back later. It's not looking right now like she'll change her mind about getting this divorce. You don't have to agree with it, but fighting over costs and custody is NOT going to stop it. Be your best you in each moment as it comes. Stop trying to interpret lawyer's words as trying to hurt you. It's a business transaction to them, nothing more.
Give your W the benefit of the doubt, for your own sake. Whether she put the lawyer up to this latest garbage or not, what is your emotion going to change? Do yourself a favor and assume it's the lawyer. It is not his job to be fair, or to recognize how hard you tried or how sorry you are, or any of that.
Document the truth so you can just hand it over when needed.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I know I am going to have to try to differentiate between W and L. It's just a bit difficuly because I don't know who exactly is running the show.
I have not spoken with my L yet, but left a message for him this morning. Hope to hear back from him before the day is over.
As noted, she has not been paying the condo fee on our rental property (where she used to live). That has always been her responsibility, but she stopped paying it and did not tell me - both of our names are on it. I attempted a civil text exchange
M: I don't think the condo association has been getting your payments - got a nasty letter from them.
W: I can split the cost. Community property, your responsibility as well. If you remember correctly, you decided to hang on to that property despite my objections.
M: Half is perfectly fair. Good suggestion. The total balance is X, I will send over half of X today. If you can send the other half that should put this to bed. The good news is the cost dropped for 2012.
W: I don't have the money
M: I understand, I am running a little thin myself, too. Let me know if you will have it after your next pay period.
She never really responded and went on to say how she is prepared to foreclose. I handled it the best I could. I feel like I am going to be tossed over the edge of financial ruin.
Can you get financial/legal advice on what to do about this? You can't make her pay it; can you buy her out? Can you pay her share and document it as a loan? I don't know the answer but I hope there are things you can do to protect yourself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
What difference will it make, other than emotionally to you, who is running the show? She hired him and he's doing his thing on her behalf. I think once the lawyers get involved it amplifies the nastiness, so you could blame the lawyer.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
sorry 25mlc if you're reading this, no offense meant
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I think you handled it just fine. Your concerns are certainly legitimate. There is NOTHING you can do to stop this...understand that. If she's prepared to go forward with this...it's gonna happen. So don't bother trying...don't put ANY effort into trying to stop it. Feeling like you do is fine and understandable, but reality is hitting you in the gut...so you've gotta put your guard up. What I mean by that is...take care of YOU first and foremost in EVERY way from this point on...no matter what. She knows how you feel...believe me, so don't bother telling her.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
We live in a market that got slammed during th housing crisis, so the condo is quite under water right now. Buying her out is not a possibility. She has stated she is fine just foreclosing. In the span of a few hours its looks as if EVERYTHING that I have worked for - family, financial stability, solid credit, a wife - is all about to decay. I just have a hard time accepting it. You work your whole life for those things and I don't want to have to start from scratch again.
It's just incredibly discouraging to try to change so much on my end and still get this as a result. This odds of saving my M from where I am sitting right now look pretty bad. She seems to be going full steam ahead. No second thoughts, no regrets, no positive thoughts about M. I know there is nothing I can do sto stop this. I just hate sitting amd watching everything that I had crumble like this. Right now, I wish I never would have married.
Look, you can "what if" this and "what if" that all you want...
The truth is, you need to talk with your Lawyer and find out exactly what your rights are.
And I will tell you, that most Lawyers have a way of putting the brakes on these types of things if you tell them that is what you are looking to do.....(wink, wink)
Most of what happens, happens through a series of mediation meetings with each of you and your attorneys gathered around the table, addressing each of your issues.
What you need to do is think about the things you will not bend on, the things you will not bend on , and the things you will offer outright.
The things you will not bend on, protect yourself on those issues.
The things you will bend on, think about what you can offer to meet a reasonable agreement.
The things you will offer, then think about a reasonable way to offer them.
Letting your brain run around on a Hamster wheel is going to get you nowhere, pretty fast.
Quote:
M: I don't think the condo association has been getting your payments - got a nasty letter from them.
W: I can split the cost. Community property, your responsibility as well. If you remember correctly, you decided to hang on to that property despite my objections.
M: Half is perfectly fair. Good suggestion. The total balance is X, I will send over half of X today. If you can send the other half that should put this to bed. The good news is the cost dropped for 2012.
W: I don't have the money
M: I understand, I am running a little thin myself, too. Let me know if you will have it after your next pay period.
This is part of the emotional ties she has to you. Her emotions cannot separate the difference between what is rational, and what is emotional.
Don't look for this to change in her for quite a while.
I would recommend one of those decisions , to be a decision about this issue.
Look dude, I understand exactly how you are feeling.
I understand the anxiety that you are dealing with.
And I can tell you, that is DOES get better.
We go through this time of our lives , and make the MOST IMPORTANT decisions of our lives. I have been around too many people , that have made those decisions out of fear and anger, only to have them look back on them and realize that they could have done a whole lot better.
If you make decisions out of fear and anger, then you will live with the consequences made out of fear and anger. I want you to make decisions that you are proud of, even through a time that ripped you apart at the seams.
One thing that I have learned about one's character....Is that we never really know the depths of it, until we are up against it. That is part of dealing with this with Dignity, Honor, and Grace. Those are the actions that will carry you forward into your future. Those are the things you will teach your son.
No regrets Crimson.....
When you lay your head on your pillow at night, No regrets on how YOU handled this...
I understand, believe me I do. But when you get hit with the reality of these things as hard as you do...you'll come to accept it. It won't be overnight either, but it'll happen. I remember finally realizing, when I was in the same place you are, regarding the financial and legal matters, that "it's not going to kill me'. And that alone made it more manageable...not less painful, but more manageable. And then as that bad stuff (legal and financial matters) continued as it inevitably does, that realization alone helped me tremendously. Your feelings are completely understandable, legitimate, and typical.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
